Mickey Mouse: An Interview About That Beastly Thing That Is Narnia

It looks like you're going to have several more years of Narnia. Do you worry that the Lion might overshadow you?
This is business. It's cut and dry—survival of the fittest. I got a whole posse of animals to take that lion down if he gets too much attention, or steps out of line. I'm not worried—he's not the first beast I've battled. There were concerns early in my dynasty that Pluto might try and stage a hostile takeover. I just learned to keep him on a short lease. And let's not forget what happened to Steamboat Willy. That little mouse was one of my first corporate kills.

The Lion was asked a similar question in a recent interview. He cited the classic fable 'The Lion and the Mouse,' and explained, "Even the strong sometimes need the friendship of the weak." How do you respond?
Let's not forget that the real moral of that fable is without the mouse, the hunters would have slaughtered the lion. I let the lion live. He owes his life to me, and one day I'll call upon him to grant me a favor.

It's true that the mouse saved the lion, but it was the lion who first had the grace and mercy to let mouse live. He could have eaten mouse alive. So isn't the mouse really the one who owes his life?
Here's something you don't know about that story. It was I, the mouse, who ordered the hunters to set the trap to kill the lion. It is I, not the lion, who showed grace and mercy.

The Lion has a lot of followers out there. There's some who are saying this lion's going to wage a holy war. It will be a hundred year war and the world will end as we know it after this. What do you say to that?
I say bring it on.

Do you think the lion could come and bring holy war?
I don't know where people get these silly notices.

Well some people see the lion as an allegorical symbol of God.
Oh yes, of course. I've heard about that.

How do you see the Lion?
I see the lion as a dollar sign. If he's making me money, then I'll show him the love. He can wage all the holy war he wants, just keep it out of my magic kingdom—religion and theme parks don't equal good profit margin.

But do you see the God-like similarities that people see in the lion?
People see what they want to see. A lot of people compare me to God—-and maybe I am God, who knows. I want world peace and global domination—couldn't that make me God? A part of me really relates to the lion. I know what it's like to have all these people wanting to worship you. I've had a cult-like following of damn hippies ever sense I did Fantasia.

What was it about the Narnia series that attracted the Disney Corporation into adapting it into a film?
I think it was the wicked witch.

The wicked witch?
Indeed. There was something about her qualities that just seemed so natural and pure. The way she could freeze people—I've always wanted to do that.

But the wicked witch turned out to be—-well wicked. That didn't turn you off to her character at all?
I saw her as a victim. The whole Narnia story is something common in the world. There are often two great leaders like the lion and wicked witch. And they both have two marvelous ideas about how we should rule the world, but eventually those two ideas conflict and only one can survive. It's not about good or bad, wicked or kind-—it's about whose the strongest in the end, and just because they're the strongest doesn't mean they have the best idea. As it happens, I found the witch's plan for domination more of a reality than the lion's silly plans for harmony.

Is harmony so bad?
You're twisting my words. Of course harmony's not a bad thing. It's just not practical. There needs to be dictatorship in this world. People want to submit. Harmony sounds real peaceful, but people get bored with it. The lion's plan just isn't very realistic in the real world. It's a bitch, but that's just life. Fiction looks good on film, but it just can't transcend into reality no matter how you look at it. Let's face the facts, in the real world Beast wouldn't get Beauty.

So why make cartoons were harmony and peace are such frequent themes. Why do you want to make them if you never could see that happening in the real world?
I make what sells. If I made films about dictatorship and global domination I'd be labeled some sort of Nazi. I don't like labels, and I'm not a Nazi—I'm just a cute little mouse, who likes to smoke and drink on the weekends like all the other cute mice.

I guess you do indeed know what sells in this world. Considering that, what's next on your plate?
Well we've optioned another C.S. Lewis work, The Problem of Pain and we're talking with Will Ferell to take the part of Pain. Then of course there's the latest Mel Gibson project.

What's Mel up to these days?
Well, after The Passion we basically let him do whatever he wants. It seems once Christians like you there's not much you can do to turn them away. Christians are loyal little servants. Last time I talk to Mel he said he had created his own language, and was using it to film a documentary on the paperclip. There's also going to be lots of frontal nudity, but he refuses to say why.

And how about Pixar?
They will have a series of flops, and then go bankrupt.

They've done okay so far. What makes you so sure?
They did okay before because they were somewhat independent of the Disney Corporation. Now we're taking them over, and we're going to devour them. That's always been our strategy. Lure them in, and then eat 'em up. We did the same thing to professional hockey.

How did you get all this power? I mean you literally have talking dogs, flying elephants, mermaids-—even Tarzan-—all bowing at your feet. You're just a little mouse—what's your secret?
It's really quite simple. I don't let my people get into situations where they realize their own strength. As far as they know, the mouse is the mightiest of all animals. People are manipulative that way. Didn't you ever wonder why my films have so little actual fighting? I also fill them up with all sorts of mind-altering drugs each morning.