Steve: The “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Apostle No One Ever Talked About

A group of gay bishops this month caused controversy—-not for marrying their partners, but for going public about their belief in Steve “The Other Apostle.” Steve has been around for years, but until this month he was a secret only known by members of the gay Christian community.

“Steve,” quoted Bishop Carl Carrey in an interview with the press, “was the quiet apostle. He had adoring eyes and a luscious figure. The other apostles often made fun of Steve because he didn’t like to stick his hands in fish guts, and would sit along the shore and write poetry whenever the other apostles fished. The other apostles begged Jesus to kick him out of their spiritual club, but Jesus insisted that they keep him around because he always found the most comfortable sandals.”

Thomas Levin, a homosexual antique dealer who is now a deacon of an Episcopalian church in Ontario, discovered the alleged Steve in Jerusalem ten years ago. Thomas was browsing through the paintings of a street vendor when he caught the eye of a handsomely painted portrait of a man holding a single sandal in one hand and a scroll in the other. “Who is this?” Thomas asked the vendor. “That’s Steve.”

Thomas bought the painting, brought it home, and showed it to his partner Dr. Anthony King, who had studied theology at Claremont University. “Could this be the missing link we’ve been looking for?” Thomas asked. Anthony studied the painting for several minutes before concluding, “Yes. Yes, this is indeed the other apostle that we have always dreamed of.”

Thomas and Anthony, believing that most Christians were not yet ready for Steve, kept the painting a secret to people outside the gay community. After finding several art galleries anxious to feature what is now called, “The Steve,” gay Christians across the world have finally decided it’s time.

When asked by reporters why Steve is not mentioned in the Bible, gay authorities on Steve say it is because after the persecution of Jesus, apostles decided Steve should be sent to evangelize across the world to San Francisco, and nobody ever heard from him again. Gay authorities went on to say that although, “the other apostles did not get along well with Steve, they did have tremendous respect for him. When Paul converted to Christianity and became known as an apostle, he was asked to change his name from Stephen to Paul, because there already was an Apostle Stephen (Steve).”

Historians have concluded that Steve was a great ancestor to the Steve of Genesis creation story who is often misinterpreted as Eve in most translations of the Bible. Authorities on the history of Steve allege that originally God created Adam and Steve, but got bored with them because they got along too well and God wanted more drama; so God sent Steve out of Eden to start a gay paradise, and forced Adam to love woman, which was obviously a relationship with a lot more spectacle and entertainment. God was well pleased with the tension that man and woman created.

Supporters, haters, and questioners of Steve will all get a chance to see the painting up close when “The Steve” begins its three year tour of art galleries across the country next month. An inspired brand of sandals appropriately named “Steve” will also go on sale across North America later this year. Steve inspired cups, doormats, t-shirts, bumper stickers, and pillowcases are being developed by Steve-O, a non-profit organization set up to help fund further research on the Apostle Steve.