eSinner.com: An Interview With Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Founder of eHarmny.com

For five years, Dr. Neil Clark Warren has helped thousands of couples find true happiness through his dating website eHarmony.com. But helping Christians find soul mates just wasn’t enough for Dr. Warren.

Dr. Warren, tell us about your new project.
It’s called eSinner.com. It’s a new matching project, only this time I’m not trying to help Christians find soul mates. I’m trying to help them find sinners.

Why sinners?
Well, not long ago I was having dinner with Larry and Terri, one of the many, many couple friends of mine who were successfully paired through my website. They told me that they sometimes felt guilty because they didn’t have a single sinner friend to work on converting.

That’s horrible.
It gets worse. I began asking other friends, and quickly learned that this wasn’t an isolated condition. Christian’s from all over the country were telling me that it just wasn’t easy finding good sinner friends anymore.

Fascinating. So tell us how eSinner.com works.
I’m so glad you asked. Using my patented Seven Dimensions of Compatibility, Christians are paired with sinners based on interest, location, gender, skills, habits, bowel movements, and favorite color.

Well I guess the question on everyone’s mind is does it work?
You betcha! The praise has been flooding into our offices! Take Michael Warcowsky from, Anaheim, California, for instance. He writes, “Dr. Warren, your website has changed my life! Thanks to eSinner.com, I have been paired with a new sinner friend! We’re great together. And you should see the way my other Christian friends look at him! There’s envy in their eyes—they want a sinner too! I’m telling all my friends that eSinner.com works! It really does!

It sounds like you’re really changing lives.
Am I ever! And Michael from Anaheim was not the only one to send us a letter. There’s more!

More?
Absolutely! Take Sarah Reinhart from Colorado Springs, Colorado. She writes, “Dr. Warren, my husband and I were suspicious when we heard about your website. We had been looking for a sinner friend for years, but they just never came to our church, and when they did all the popular couples always got them before us. Thanks to eSinner, we now have a sinner to call our own. Thanks eSinner.com!”

Sarah sounds like a lucky gal! Are there more?
So many more that my voice would give out before I could finish reading all of them.

Tell me, why do you think it’s so hard for Christian to meet sinners without your inexpensive and proven methods?
That’s a fine question—let me answer you by telling you about Richard. Richard is a friend of mine who, after reading one of my many books, went on eHarmony.com, and met two of his wives. He’s been happily married twice now through the eHarmony.com method. Now Richard is like many Christians: white, successful, handsome, witty, and sometimes drives his car a little fast. The trouble Richard always had was sinners never showed up to the places he went. That’s where eSinner.com comes to the rescue. We find the sinners so you don’t have to.

How do you find these sinners?
It’s a complex method involving Christians in suits that have received college degrees from the finest online colleges around the world.

Can you tell us more about these Christians in suits?
Certainly. These highly educated men go to bars, hockey games, strip clubs, prisons, and dumpsters to talk to worthless sinners willing to be matched with a Christian in exchange for money, which they in turn use to buy liquor, drugs, and prostitutes.

It sounds like a pretty shameless group of sinners.
They are. But they’re more willing to be part of eSinner.com because of how desperate they are.

So tell us what happens when a Christian is paired with a sinner?
Safety is very important at eSinner.com. That’s why we don’t allow Christians to meet their sinner until they have talk several times through email.

Then what happens?
After exchanging photos, names, and friendly discourse, we arrange for the Christian and sinner to go out on a play date.

And if the play date doesn’t work?
Oh, they always do. If the sinners aren’t on their best behavior they don’t get paid.

Sounds like you’ve thought of everything. But tell me, isn’t it true that many sinners cannot read or write? How can the sinners send emails?
That is true. That’s why are highly trained, educated staff writes the emails for the sinner.

You mean the sinner just dictates what they want to be said?
Heavens, no! I can’t imagine what the emails would look like if we let the sinners dictate what they want the email to say. No, what happens is we have a series of template letters on hand, and we randomly send them to the Christians only changing the name of the sinner at the end of the letter.

Wow! It’s no wonder why eSinner.com is changing lives. It was great talking to you Dr. Warren.
It was great talking to you. And remember at eSinner.com we have more sinners per match then any online service. Oh, and also remember to buy my books.

Investigating Hell: An Interview With Filmmaker Michael Moore

Michael Moore has slammed the auto industry, the gun industry, the healthcare industry, and the President of the United States. In his new film he takes on satan. He was kind enough to sit down with me for a lovely interview over tea and biscuit where he opened up for the first time abut his new film Way Hotter then Fareheiht 9/11, which is about what goes on behind the scenes of hell.

Why hell?
I like evil. I like to expose it, exploit it, and exaggerated it. Can’t get much more evil than hell, right?

I suppose, but really what can you expose? With your other films you took something that claimed to be innocent and showed how it was evil. No one has ever claimed that hell is anything but evil.
Everyone knows its evil, but I think people are still nonetheless fascinated by its back story. People want to know what makes satan and his people tick.

What do you think people will be most surprised by?
I think people will be surprised by how human satan is. He’s a good guy. I spent several days with him, and I really felt for him. I mean his soul is so tormented. What’s sad is he’s a good guy. He cooked dinner for me every night, and even tucked me in at night and read me bedtime stories.

Perhaps he was just trying to deceive you? I hear he’s pretty good at that.
That’s just a stereotype. This is the prince of darkness—if he wants to be an evil jerk to me, then who’s to stop him? One of the reasons he agreed to do be interviewed on camera was because he wanted people to see once and for all that he was an all around good guy.

So why’d did God caste him out of heaven? Seems like a funny thing to do to a nice person.
That was nothing more than a bad poker bet. Apparently satan thought he had a good hand, so he bet God his salvation. Turned out God had the better hand. Life’s a bitch that way sometimes—in fact that’s also the story behind the “Life’s a Bitch” t-shirt.

And that whole Garden of Evil bit? Was that just a misunderstanding?
Can you blame the guy for tempting them? He was lonely. He just wanted to get some humans into hell so he’d have someone to hang out with? He was especially open about this period in his life. He admitted that it was bad on his part. He was just immature, and he’s sorry for screwing up that whole freewill thing for humans.

I read that you became an atheist shortly after filming the documentary. Is that true?
It was actually before the film wrapped.

Why the transformation?
Well I had a lot of good talks with satan about theology, and I agreed with him on most of his points. Ultimately, I decided that I’d have a better time hanging out with satan for eternity than worshipping God.

So are you actually saying you don’t believe in God or that you don’t follow him?
At first I just didn’t follow him, but now I have lost all belief in him. As satan told me, ‘if there was a God, then why is there all the suffering?’

How can satan exist, but not God?
Seems like a paradox, no? One thing this film shows, however, is that satan is really God.

But I thought you were an atheist?
I don’t believe in that God.

But…
Don’t go there. The films going to answer all your questions.

Fine. Maybe we can go a little into the actual production of the film. How did you gain access to hell? It’s been pretty much off limits to everyone but Dante.
Dante’s a real jerk. He totally portrayed hell unrealistically. Basically what happened is I went to the Weinstein brothers, and I told them I had the idea for a movie about hell, but it wouldn’t work unless I could gain access into the dark kingdom. They thought it sounded like a great idea, and it turned out they were distantly related to satan. They made a few phone calls, and before I knew it, I was in.

What were your first impressions upon seeing hell?
Well I didn’t actually get into the real hell. Apparently you have to actually die for that. So what happen is satan took me to Yosemite, which, he says, is almost identical to the real hell. Basically he walked me through the national park and pointed out all the similarities.

So no burning lakes of fire?
Nope. Hell’s truly a paradise.

And you have no concerns that he was just trying to trick you? As an investigative reporter of sorts isn’t the first rule of journalism getting real evidence?
Why would he lie?

What’s he have to lose?
That’s just arrogance right there. He’s a good guy. When people see this movie they’ll finally know.

Can Cell Phone’s Use Hinder God’s Blessings?

I was at a lecture not to long ago listening to a missionary tell his amazing tale of the spiritual presence he felt while living in a remote village in the Southern Philippines. I’m always hearing amazing stories like that from missionaries—from villagers who had dreams in which they saw the exact missionary who would come and save their village to healings of dozens of people from deadly diseases.

On the way home from listening to this missionary, I asked God, “What’s the deal here? I live in America—the strongest, richest, and proudest land of them all. How is it that this powerful nation is not getting the spiritual blessings of other, less fortunate ones?” By the time I was done talking to God, I was pretty ticked. And on top of that a little bit jealous.

Then it hit me. Maybe it was the Holy Spirit or maybe it was just because I have a very gifted mind that’s always coming up with creative fantastical ideas. I’m inclined to believe it’s the latter, but that’s not important. What is important is I discovered a groundbreaking theory of why God does not perform in America these supernatural blessings that poverty-stricken countries get on a regular bases. The reason in two words: cellular phones.

My reason is not ungrounded or uncalled for. I have in fact researched it quite extensively, and in doing so have discovered that this is not a far-fetched idea—it’s a real possibility. Just hear me out.

In case you didn’t know, a cell phone is nothing more then a really smart walkie-talkie and uses the same type of technology found in a household radio. Okay, I know what your thinking, ‘but radios have been around for over a hundred years, so why should we say that cell phones are the reason God’s not answering prayers? Why not radios?’ Well just pipe down for a minute or two so I can tell you.

It used to be cities only had a handful of radio towers. Now there are literally hundreds in larger cities. Because there are so many, radio waves are now everywhere—in fact if you’re reading this outside, there’s probably 16 radio waves going through your head right now (just reflect on that fact for awhile).

While other radio waves have a range of only a few miles at best, cell phones go on forever. Consider this for a moment: most walkie-talkies have one channel to communicate on, a CB radio has about 40, but a cell phone has more than 1,664 channels. That’s a lot of channels in case you’re wondering. In terms of range, a walkie-talkie has a good mile at best, a powerful CB can get maybe five miles, but a cell phone, well to bring in a very old cliché, a cell phones range just keeps going and going and going and going—nothing out lasts the range of a cell phone.
Say your driving in your car talking on a cell phone—what’s basically happening is the radio waves are directed to a cell tower, when you pass that tower the waves are directed to another tower until you hang up the call. This is no big deal until you realize how many other people are talking on their cell phones while you’re talking on yours.So now that you get a feel for how the cell phones are working and all the invisible waves it’s creating let me get to the meat of all this. After detailed analysis of cellular radio waves, I discovered that there is so many radio waves created from cell phones that a giant force field around America and other countries where cellular use is high has been created.

Under this theory, what essentially is happening is prayers are being offered to God, but shortly after ascending from your lips they are blocked from going all the way into heaven where they are processed and reviewed by God for consideration. There are exceptions to this theory of course, as every once and awhile, God does answer prayer in America, but there is a reason for this as well. What happens in these cases is two things: one, the prayer is recited in the night when cell phone use is lower, or two, the prayer is recited in a rural area of the country where there aren’t quite as many cellular users. Even in these cases, there’s not a guarantee that God will be able to answer the prayer recited, because the force field works two ways. What will happen in many cases is when God tries to answer these prayers they are blocked by radio waves before reaching American soil.

There is more to my startling discovery. According to further careful research there was as many as one to two million blessings a month in America before the 1980’s when the first cell phone was just a prototype. This number went down dramatically in the 90’s. Today the odds of getting a prayer through to God are less than 1% depending on where you live and when you pray).

If you are serious about having prayers answered, my research shows the best place to go in America is Iowa, North Dakota, or Montana. The best time to pray is between 1:57am and 3:04am. And never, ever, pray on a night that America Idol is showing on TV—research has led me to believe that only a half of a prayer is answered on these nights, because cell phone use is so high with all the people casting their votes for their favorite idol.

If you are devoted to leading a monastic life of prayer and are now concerned with living in America and are considering leaving the states, then you better keep reading. You might have a few years of prayer life in a third world country, but their time is coming also.

As cellular use continues to grow in remote third world countries, the amount of blessings is decreasing. It is estimated by 2007 God will only be able to perform 167 blessings a year. By 2053 the force field will be so strong that the rapture and apocalypses will have to be postponed while God creates a nuclear device capable of wiping out all cellular use.

So next time you kneel to pray, remember that because of that dumb cell phone in your pocket there’s a chance God will not be able to hear you.

Steve: The “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Apostle No One Ever Talked About

A group of gay bishops this month caused controversy—-not for marrying their partners, but for going public about their belief in Steve “The Other Apostle.” Steve has been around for years, but until this month he was a secret only known by members of the gay Christian community.

“Steve,” quoted Bishop Carl Carrey in an interview with the press, “was the quiet apostle. He had adoring eyes and a luscious figure. The other apostles often made fun of Steve because he didn’t like to stick his hands in fish guts, and would sit along the shore and write poetry whenever the other apostles fished. The other apostles begged Jesus to kick him out of their spiritual club, but Jesus insisted that they keep him around because he always found the most comfortable sandals.”

Thomas Levin, a homosexual antique dealer who is now a deacon of an Episcopalian church in Ontario, discovered the alleged Steve in Jerusalem ten years ago. Thomas was browsing through the paintings of a street vendor when he caught the eye of a handsomely painted portrait of a man holding a single sandal in one hand and a scroll in the other. “Who is this?” Thomas asked the vendor. “That’s Steve.”

Thomas bought the painting, brought it home, and showed it to his partner Dr. Anthony King, who had studied theology at Claremont University. “Could this be the missing link we’ve been looking for?” Thomas asked. Anthony studied the painting for several minutes before concluding, “Yes. Yes, this is indeed the other apostle that we have always dreamed of.”

Thomas and Anthony, believing that most Christians were not yet ready for Steve, kept the painting a secret to people outside the gay community. After finding several art galleries anxious to feature what is now called, “The Steve,” gay Christians across the world have finally decided it’s time.

When asked by reporters why Steve is not mentioned in the Bible, gay authorities on Steve say it is because after the persecution of Jesus, apostles decided Steve should be sent to evangelize across the world to San Francisco, and nobody ever heard from him again. Gay authorities went on to say that although, “the other apostles did not get along well with Steve, they did have tremendous respect for him. When Paul converted to Christianity and became known as an apostle, he was asked to change his name from Stephen to Paul, because there already was an Apostle Stephen (Steve).”

Historians have concluded that Steve was a great ancestor to the Steve of Genesis creation story who is often misinterpreted as Eve in most translations of the Bible. Authorities on the history of Steve allege that originally God created Adam and Steve, but got bored with them because they got along too well and God wanted more drama; so God sent Steve out of Eden to start a gay paradise, and forced Adam to love woman, which was obviously a relationship with a lot more spectacle and entertainment. God was well pleased with the tension that man and woman created.

Supporters, haters, and questioners of Steve will all get a chance to see the painting up close when “The Steve” begins its three year tour of art galleries across the country next month. An inspired brand of sandals appropriately named “Steve” will also go on sale across North America later this year. Steve inspired cups, doormats, t-shirts, bumper stickers, and pillowcases are being developed by Steve-O, a non-profit organization set up to help fund further research on the Apostle Steve.

Mickey Mouse: An Interview About That Beastly Thing That Is Narnia

It looks like you're going to have several more years of Narnia. Do you worry that the Lion might overshadow you?
This is business. It's cut and dry—survival of the fittest. I got a whole posse of animals to take that lion down if he gets too much attention, or steps out of line. I'm not worried—he's not the first beast I've battled. There were concerns early in my dynasty that Pluto might try and stage a hostile takeover. I just learned to keep him on a short lease. And let's not forget what happened to Steamboat Willy. That little mouse was one of my first corporate kills.

The Lion was asked a similar question in a recent interview. He cited the classic fable 'The Lion and the Mouse,' and explained, "Even the strong sometimes need the friendship of the weak." How do you respond?
Let's not forget that the real moral of that fable is without the mouse, the hunters would have slaughtered the lion. I let the lion live. He owes his life to me, and one day I'll call upon him to grant me a favor.

It's true that the mouse saved the lion, but it was the lion who first had the grace and mercy to let mouse live. He could have eaten mouse alive. So isn't the mouse really the one who owes his life?
Here's something you don't know about that story. It was I, the mouse, who ordered the hunters to set the trap to kill the lion. It is I, not the lion, who showed grace and mercy.

The Lion has a lot of followers out there. There's some who are saying this lion's going to wage a holy war. It will be a hundred year war and the world will end as we know it after this. What do you say to that?
I say bring it on.

Do you think the lion could come and bring holy war?
I don't know where people get these silly notices.

Well some people see the lion as an allegorical symbol of God.
Oh yes, of course. I've heard about that.

How do you see the Lion?
I see the lion as a dollar sign. If he's making me money, then I'll show him the love. He can wage all the holy war he wants, just keep it out of my magic kingdom—religion and theme parks don't equal good profit margin.

But do you see the God-like similarities that people see in the lion?
People see what they want to see. A lot of people compare me to God—-and maybe I am God, who knows. I want world peace and global domination—couldn't that make me God? A part of me really relates to the lion. I know what it's like to have all these people wanting to worship you. I've had a cult-like following of damn hippies ever sense I did Fantasia.

What was it about the Narnia series that attracted the Disney Corporation into adapting it into a film?
I think it was the wicked witch.

The wicked witch?
Indeed. There was something about her qualities that just seemed so natural and pure. The way she could freeze people—I've always wanted to do that.

But the wicked witch turned out to be—-well wicked. That didn't turn you off to her character at all?
I saw her as a victim. The whole Narnia story is something common in the world. There are often two great leaders like the lion and wicked witch. And they both have two marvelous ideas about how we should rule the world, but eventually those two ideas conflict and only one can survive. It's not about good or bad, wicked or kind-—it's about whose the strongest in the end, and just because they're the strongest doesn't mean they have the best idea. As it happens, I found the witch's plan for domination more of a reality than the lion's silly plans for harmony.

Is harmony so bad?
You're twisting my words. Of course harmony's not a bad thing. It's just not practical. There needs to be dictatorship in this world. People want to submit. Harmony sounds real peaceful, but people get bored with it. The lion's plan just isn't very realistic in the real world. It's a bitch, but that's just life. Fiction looks good on film, but it just can't transcend into reality no matter how you look at it. Let's face the facts, in the real world Beast wouldn't get Beauty.

So why make cartoons were harmony and peace are such frequent themes. Why do you want to make them if you never could see that happening in the real world?
I make what sells. If I made films about dictatorship and global domination I'd be labeled some sort of Nazi. I don't like labels, and I'm not a Nazi—I'm just a cute little mouse, who likes to smoke and drink on the weekends like all the other cute mice.

I guess you do indeed know what sells in this world. Considering that, what's next on your plate?
Well we've optioned another C.S. Lewis work, The Problem of Pain and we're talking with Will Ferell to take the part of Pain. Then of course there's the latest Mel Gibson project.

What's Mel up to these days?
Well, after The Passion we basically let him do whatever he wants. It seems once Christians like you there's not much you can do to turn them away. Christians are loyal little servants. Last time I talk to Mel he said he had created his own language, and was using it to film a documentary on the paperclip. There's also going to be lots of frontal nudity, but he refuses to say why.

And how about Pixar?
They will have a series of flops, and then go bankrupt.

They've done okay so far. What makes you so sure?
They did okay before because they were somewhat independent of the Disney Corporation. Now we're taking them over, and we're going to devour them. That's always been our strategy. Lure them in, and then eat 'em up. We did the same thing to professional hockey.

How did you get all this power? I mean you literally have talking dogs, flying elephants, mermaids-—even Tarzan-—all bowing at your feet. You're just a little mouse—what's your secret?
It's really quite simple. I don't let my people get into situations where they realize their own strength. As far as they know, the mouse is the mightiest of all animals. People are manipulative that way. Didn't you ever wonder why my films have so little actual fighting? I also fill them up with all sorts of mind-altering drugs each morning.

All-Christian Baseball Team

World Series Fever is in the air; it seems appropriate to give my picks for an all-Christian baseball team:

Name: Brain Welch
Off Season Occupation: Former Korn guitarist
Position: First base
Pros: His new faith makes him pure and idealist; has yet to be corrupted by
commercial Christianity.
Con: Still a baby Christian, and might go back to the dark side.
Outlook: He's still a baby Christian and can be easily manipulated to believe steroids are okay as long as you pray before using, which will make him an excellent slugger.

Name: Tim LaHaye
Off Season Occupation: Author turned the punch line of many bad jokes
Position: Second Base
Pros: His freaky face can distract opponents.
Cons: Is upset that he's playing second place, because he thinks this makes him ..2 and not ..1. He hasn't talked to any of the players ever since he was Left Behind at the stadium on accident during their last road trip.
Outlook: Has a natural ability to turn crap into an epic best-selling novel; if he can transform this knowledge into baseball by turning a crappy player into an all-star player, great things will happen.

Name: Scott Stapp
Off Season Occupation: Former lead singer of rock-band Creed turned solo act
Position: Shortstop
Pros: Can belt out power ballads that will lift the team's spirits.
Cons: Kind of an attention hog. Has a tendency to run all the way out to center field, knock over his teammate, and catch the fly ball just so he can hear people cheer his name.
Outlook: Quick on his toes. Unlike many of his teammates he's still young enough to run.

Name: Jerry B. Jenkins
Off Season Occupation: Author
Position: Third Base
Pros: Willing to be someone's bitch if it means having a bestseller.
Cons: He may be a better player, but LaHaye's the name brand. He's bitter about this and it shows in his game.
Outlook: He's out to prove that he's a better player than LaHaye, and it shows. Co-wrote the Orel Hershiser biography, and he tells all the players that Orel gave him 'secret knowledge' about the game.

Name: Jerry Falwell
Off Season Occupation: Pastor
Position: Right field
Pros: Feisty for his age.
Cons: May boycott the team citing...come on people! This is Jerry Falwell! He doesn't need a reason to boycott something.
Outlook: His views are so far out in right field this position seams like a natural fit.

Name: Franklin Graham
Off Season Occupation: Evangelist
Position: Center Field
Pros: Has great genes.
Cons: May get injured by Scott Stapp tackling him to the ground so he can catch the fly ball.
Outlook: If he listens to his dad, he'll have an excellent career. While his dad was a better player back in the day, Junior still has a chance to come into his own.

Name: Robert Schueller
Off Season Occupation: Questionable pastor
Position: Left Field
Pros: Has the bling, bling appeal that every team needs.
Cons: He's a little vague when people ask if he's a Christian. Last guy picked for the team, and it was more of a pity selection. Just because he calls his show 'Hour of Power' doesn't mean he's a power hitter.
Outlook: His leftist viewpoints make him a natural fit for left field. If you pay him enough money, he can do just about anything, and even make you believe it's God's will. Plus the old folks really seem to like him.

Name: Pat Robertson
Off Season Occupation: Nobody's friend
Position: Catcher
Pros: Great trash talker.
Cons: Not exactly a fan favorite, but this could work into a pro, as people will turn up at games just to hear him trash talk the other team. Turns out The 700 club has nothing to do with homeruns or baseball.
Outlook: Will mess with opposing batters minds when they step to plate to bat by telling them they're going to hell, and God isn't on their team's side because they're sinners.

Name: Phillip Yancey
Off Season Occupation: Author
Position: Pitcher
Pros: Can come up with catchy and marketable titles for all of his pitches.
Cons: May be too busy thinking to notice the pop-up that's heading right for him.
Outlook: He thinks before he speaks, and uses this same philosophy when he pitches. Every pitch has a certain meaning to the cosmos of the world.

Name: Billy Graham
Off Season Occupation: Evangelist
Position: Designated Hitter
Pros: Has had his share of Grand Slam moments. Has plenty of wisdom to pass along.
Cons: Age
Outlook: While Graham may be too old to play any defensive positions, he still throws a good offensive punch, and has more spirit than the entire team combined. He'll work well as a role model for the team.

Name: Rick Warren
Off Season Occupation: Mega-church pastor turned best-selling author
Position: Coach
Pros: The Hawaiian themed uniforms he chose will really boost morale.
Cons: May be too busy finding his purpose to help the team find there's.
Outlook: Great motivational talker. Can make the team believe they actually are good, and that they have a real purpose on the team.

Name: Kirk Cameron
Off Season Occupation: Actor...if you can call that acting
Position: Cheerleader
Pros: Doesn't have a problem being the underdog.
Cons: The guy actually thinks "Left Behind: The Movie" had a great script.
Outlook: This guy has horrible taste, and will have no problem believing that a bad team is actually good. If he can get back that bad boy image he had during the early seasons of Growing Pains (the ones with his lovable friend Bonner), and not the later seasons were he was suddenly the good boy, then his natural cheerleading abilities really have a chance of sexing upthe team.

Name: George W. Bush, Jr.
Off Season Occupation: President
Position: Umpire
Pros: You don't have to actually score more points to win the game when he's the ump.
Cons: Frisking players as they come to bat to check for weapons of mass destruction gets a little annoying, and really slows down the pace of the game. The secret service agents can really get in the way.
Outlook: Will certainly side with the Christians on certain 'questionable' plays.

satan’s “Out of office” auto-email reply

I am currently out of the office. I am attending the Touch by An Angel fan convention that’s being held in Colorado Springs. For urgent matters (urgent matters include, but are not limited to: you can’t get the thermostat to properly heat the deepest layer of hell, Jim Morrison keeps asking all the new occupants if he can light their fire, Mark Twain claims to have found a loophole to get into heaven, or the cable went out) you can reach me at the Hilton, room 667 (apparently, room 666 is always reserve for Paris Hilton)

I will be checking my email between the hours of 3:22am and 3:27am, but will only reply to those emails that warrant urgency as defined in the paragraph above. Also, the system administrator has informed me that he will be performing a routine system update between the hours of 3:00am and 4:00am., and Internet access will not be available during this time.

Should my monthly copy of “Good Housekeeping” arrive early, kindly text message me the recipe for bread pudding, which the editor has informed me will appear in this months issue.

If there are any inquiries about upcoming The Concert for J.D. Salinger inform them that an email was sent out last week regarding its cancellation due to the fact that he has once more managed to escape death.

There’s a rumor floating around that Michael Moore is trying to sneak into hell to film an expose on life in hell. Do not talk to him; do not let others talk to him; do not let him film any areas of hell. Politely inform him that his time is coming, and I’ll be the first person he’ll get to interview after his initial scourging and mutilation.

Please refer all publicity matters to my agent at ICM.

Upon my return to hell, we will be having our weekly staff meeting. If you have anything you’d like to add to the agenda, please get it into my secretary tomorrow. Dr. Sigmund Freud will be discussing how MySpace.com is corrupting our children, and why, in his opinion, it should be blocked on all computers in hell; please be prepared to discuss his recommendation.

In my absent, Hunter S. Thompson will be performing all torturing of souls. Be kind to him, as this is his first time. I look forward to torturing each personally upon my return.

XOXO,
The Prince of Darkness