Oldest Church Member Found to be Fraud

As Stated Earlier, I'm going to begin posting some of my old Door stuff on this blog; the below parody was the first thing ever excepted with the magazine. My inspiration for it was a Methodist church in Anaheim that I attended as a kid.

(Originally published in the January/Febrary 2004 (Issue #191) of The Wittenburg Door - http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/)

ANAHEIM, CALIF.--Elders of the First Presbyterian Church yesterday announced the sad news that Michael C. Epsons, the church's longest and most loyal member, was not a Christian.

Epson had been with the church for 70 years, and never missed a Sunday, except for the three years he had served as an Army Chaplin overseas in the Second World War.

"We suspected it 14 years ago," church elder Ed Loren said. "Ever since he (Epson) said, 'I do not believe in God' afer he was asked to tell God something he was thankful for at a Thanksgiving dinner. At the time we thought this merely meant he did not bleieve in God, but he believedin Christ. We felt it was a harmless comment and that is was better not to make waves and confront him on the issue."

The discovery came late Tuesday night. Epsons, who is 76, was asked by the youth pastor to be part of a question and answer discussion for the church's youth group. Epson agreed and was asked by one of the students why he believed in Christ. Epson answered, "I don't."

Espon came to the church when he was six after his parents had moved to Anaheim from Los Angeles. He explained that in the 70 years he had been at Presbyterian Church, Christ had "never come up."

"I honestly did not know that I was going to a Christian church, or I would have stopped a long time ago," he added, "The pastor is a nice enough fellow, and gives us good advice for our lives, but I just never knew it was that kind of church."

Epson admits that he does know what to believe when it comes to faith. He believeds there is something, although he lost faith in God after the war.

In a phone interview, the pastor of the church, Rev. Rick Tyson, said he was, "shocked and saddened" by the news. In his sermons, Tyson said, he always, "tries to give Biblical principals to his congregation.

"However, I do not like to use the Bible because I think it takes away from the authority of the sermon."

Asked if he was going to consider changing the way the church presented itself, Rev. Tyson said, "It's always a sad thing when we discover one of our members doesn't know he is a member of a Christian church, but it happens. there's nothing more we can do to prepare for these circumstances."

When asked if he would still attend the church, Epson nodded absently. "I've been going to church for 70 years, and it seems silly to stop on account of a minor technicality," Epson said, "If I were a younger lad, then yess--yes I'd probably leave and find something else to do on my Sundays. But I'm an old man and almost all my friends go here. It wouldn't be right to change churches now."

Southern California churches have reported hundreds of similar incidents in recent years, but all have taken place in the recently embattled Episcopalian denomination.