But I'm Still Hungry...

Timmy DeSota, a nine-year-old boy from St. Paul Minnesota, admitted to his mom that he left church still feeling hungry even after eating two communion wafers in church. DeSota, no stranger to communion, further admitted that he had never felt so unsatisfied in his life, and that the church should consider switching to a bread that contains more fiber.

His mother, Nancy DeSota, is a former third grade Sunday school teacher, and was no stranger to the theological questions that her son's unsatisfactory feelings imposed. She explained to Timmy that the bread was symbolic for Christ's body and should never be taken to satisfy a physical hunger, rather only to satisfy a spiritual hunger.

Timmy was not happy with this answer, and went to great measures to change the system. After a meeting with the pastor, Timmy was able to convince him that the church indeed was not satisfying the hunger of their congregates, and that they should therefore switch to a multi-grain communion bread.

In a telephone interview, the pastor of the church Charles Webber, acknowledge that a hungry church was less likely to listen in church, and thus would not be fed spiritually.

The Jesus Pill

Amphetamines, Inc., a pharmaceutical drug company in Seattle announced this weekend that they have created a pill to make people “more Christian.” The pill, code named “Jesus drops,” allegedly will make any person want to pay attention in church, give churches ten percent of their money, and shake the hands of the people in the pew next to them. The company also believes the pill makes people speak in tongues, though admitted that they may be mistaking people speaking in tongues for people having seizures (which is a possible side effect of the drug); a more thorough study is underway.

Norm Heller, director of Amphetamines, says the company accidentally developed the drug while trying to make a sexual arousal drug. “We noticed,” Heller said, “That the men who were initially given the drug during a clinical trial, were more excited about prayer and worship, than making love to their wives.”

Heller noted that in most cases the drug lasted for four to five hours, but in some cases worked for longer than ten hours. This may be a problem for some pastors who are used to preaching for ten or fifteen minutes, and then going home to watch golf. “People taking ‘Jesus drops,’” Heller said, “tended to get violent when their pastor gave a quickie sermon.” To satisfy church members, Heller believes pastor will have to preach for at least two and a half hours.

Several churches have already put in advance orders for the “Jesus drops.” Said one pastor of a Texas mega church, “I’m excited about the drug—we’ve tried giving out free coffee before and between services to wake people up, but it just doesn’t do the trick.”

Not everyone is as thrilled as the pastor noted above. Said one pastor, “You start giving away drugs at church, and you start bringing in those damn hippies with their flip flops and long hair.” The pastor added, “And a two and a half hour sermon? Where am I supposed to find enough corny jokes to fill that much space? I’m not Jeff Foxworthy, you know.” Another pastor expressing his concerns said, “I once preached an entire sermon on the aesthetic importance of cartoons like Kim Possible, and it didn’t matter because no one in the congregation was awake or paying attention. If this drug goes through I’ll have to actually use Biblical application in my sermons—it will raise the bar for what people expect of their pastors.”

Some Christian powerhouses are still undecided about the drug; notably the Catholic Church. Vatican officials say the drug sounds promising, but they don’t think this new pope’s going to last long enough to approve anything, so they’ll just have to wait for the new guy. One official of the church did comment that lately with any current hot church topic that has come up, they’ve been asking themselves, “WWHJPD—or ‘What Would Have John Paul Done.’”

Still to be determined are the side effects. Heller commented that the only consistent side effect was men getting sexually aroused when the communion plate was passed. Other side effects may include: muscle spasm, vomiting, uncontrollable urge to kill rabbits, dehydration, ingrown toenails, condemning attitude towards the world at large, drowsiness, inadvertently shouting out ‘cool beans’ during prayer, death, and in the most extreme cases, double death.
The company says all the positive feedback from churches has made them consider starting a line of drugs just for churchgoers. “We got this really cool hallucinogen,” Heller said, “that makes you think you’re walking on water.”

The drug is expected to go on sale sometime next year.