Signs Your Church Is a Rainbow Shy of a Gay Bishop

In recent years, there has been a rise in the number of denominations that have elected or are considering electing gay bishops. These decisions have often created great uproars within the church. Most of these uproars are usually by members who have been caught off guard by the news. If church members are simply more ready for a gay bishop, then there is likely going to be less shock and scandal within the church. What follows are signs that your church might soon be getting a gay bishop.

Your church, because of recommendations made at the general conference, is exploring innovating ways to get people more religious and less spiritual.
Many churches considering gay bishops find themselves engaging in questionable activities, such as soccer camp, gay rights parades, and an annual church rodeo picnic. In all cases, churches will cite that this is okay because it gets people more “religious” and less “spiritual.” “Spirituality,” one gay bishop was quoted saying, “gets less involvement and commitment than religiosity does. Therefore, in all activities, a church should try to be more religious then spiritual.”

Female deacons begin dressing like men and refuse to where deodorant.
Unlike many fine gay citizens who smell clean and look pretty, female deacons questioning theirs and their churches sexuality begin acting like slobs. An explanation of why this is has always been vague. It starts with simple things like not brushing their hair, more casual blouses, and sneakers instead of heals. Before long, however, Sunday attire is a XXXL Broncos t-shirt, baggy jeans, and armpits that smell like the streets of Calcutta. While many of these woman remained straight slobs, many will in fact go on to be gay slobs—some even gay bishops themselves.

There's a love offering for the gay community.
The offerings are usually sincere enough (wanting to help non-Christians), but the real reason for these love offerings is to start a fund for hiring gay lawyers who will protect the rights of the church when members try to protest the denominations activities. Ministers will sanctify this offering with words that hide the true meaning behind them.

A gay singles group is started and it’s clear that it’s not the happy/Fred Flintstone gay kind of gay.
When the “Gay Singles Group” appears in the church bulletin with a paragraph that says, “We're planning a gay ole time” they don't mean “gay” in the happy sense. The word “gay” is clearly being used to confuse older members into thinking the group is for happy people. While it may be true that many people in such groups are happy, there will be several more who are lonely and looking for homosexual romance.

Minister stops’ using the Bible and nobody seems to notice.
One church minister had been reading cartoons from the New Yorker for his Sunday scripture reflection for 3 years straight. Another had taken to reading to the church congregants the daily Snoopy and Garfield strips. Both of these churches are now lead by the same gay bishop. By the time the minister stops using the Bible and you don't notice, you probably already have a gay bishop and have made all the proper justification in your mind that having one is indeed the right thing for the church to do. Kudos to you and your church.

Organist and choir are creating new hymns out of The Village Peoples lyrics.
The Village People songs are difficult to play on the church organ and also bad for the organ pipes. Despite the lyrics emphases on pro-YMCA and Navy themes, these songs are actually clear signs that a gay bishop will quickly follow. A recent study by one anti-gay bishop alliance showed that having the Village People and in some cases Queen will turn straight bishops into gay bishops. They cite the Village Peoples perky lyrics and wardrobe as a reason for a bishop’s sudden gayness.

News/media is hanging around your church asking members their reaction to the denominations decision to consider having a gay bishop.
Media is always a good source of information. Many times they will have the answer before you. If you notice an unexpectedly large number of journalists from local news outlet asking for a comment, then there are probably just rumors of a gay bishop; if press members include members of the national syndicated press, the rumors are confirmed; and if you see Barbara Walters lingering around, then you can expect an announcement by lunch.

Churches stages a performance of Our Town
No explanation need.

Pastor encourages congregants to buy and support Barbra Streisand.
There really is no logic to this, but it has been proven time and time again that gay bishops rise up in denominations that support Barbra Streisand. Many heretical Christians who like gay stereotypes believe it is because she chooses such bad films and gay people have bad taste. Said one openly straight gay hater, “All gay people talk funny and must therefore like bad movies.” Gay rights advocates do admit that Streisand does have horrible taste in her acting roles, and go further to say that she lacks the musical talents of most modern punk rock groups, but they go on to say, “Gays do not have bad taste.”

When you tell people where you fellowship they respond, “isn't that the gay church?”
People’s perception of a church is usually more accurate then your own. If a friend asks, “Isn't that that gay church?” You should not be afraid to question why. In 84.2% of all churches that have received gay bishops, 72% of all members had a friend who asked if they were going to the local “gay” church.

If your church matches any or all of the signs then let the truth sink in slowly. It takes time for many church members to come to terms with getting a gay bishop, but just sit back and let it happen—it will all feel better once you get used to the idea. Understand that your church has made all of these decisions in the interest of the church, and if they say that change is for the best, then understand that it is for the best. The church makes these decisions on your behalf so you don’t have to challenge your thinking.