Harry Potter Meets Jesus

Originally published in the SoMA Review (http://www.somareview.com/harrypottermeetsjesus.cfm)

Dear Mrs. Rowling,
For several years the Christian Book Coalition (CBC) has been debating about what to do with “Harry Potter.” Even though your books are evil and you have obviously been sent by the devil to write them, the CBC has noticed that the sales of just one of your books outnumber all four of our Christian bestselling series: the Left Behind books, the Jabez Prayer books, the Case for Christ books, and the Purpose Driven Life books. It therefore seems appropriate to do business with you—in Jesus’ name, of course.


The CBC is all about strategic planning. We’re already thinking 10 years down the road. By this time you should be finished with Demon Boy and ready to do something else. What the CBC would like to propose is a new line of books about Harry tentatively titled the “Harry Meets Jesus” series. This would feature an 18-year-old Harry Potter who has a born-again experience, and is on a conquest to fight evil through the secret power of Jesus. We have come up with several potential titles and plot points that we feel could make “Harry Potter Meets Jesus” the biggest blockbuster series of all time.


Harry Potter Meets Jesus

The opening book finds Harry in his miserable room at the Dursleys, doing witchcraft and accidentally conjuring up the Virgin Mary. She bawls him out for dabbling in satanic playthings and says that his true purpose in life is to be a warrior for Jesus. Then, Mary leads Harry in reciting the sinner’s prayer and he is born again. Sobbing hysterically, he rushes downstairs and begs forgiveness from the Dursleys, announcing he is now a Christian and begging forgiveness for his wicked ways. The Dursleys join him in joyful weeping, welcome him into the Muggle fold, and bring him to church the following Sunday. There, in a deeply emotional scene, Harry ascends the pulpit and formally renounces his wizard past and his acceptance of Christ.
To make up for his evil deeds, Harry agrees to 20 more years of indentured servitude for the Dursleys, to be executed with complete submission and humility. In return, Mr. Dursley generously guarantees Harry lifetime employment as his fat, disgusting son Dudley’s “gentleman’s gentleman.”


When Harry’s demon pals Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger hear of Harry’s conversion, they rush to save him from making “the biggest mistake of your life!” They enlist the aid of Dobby the House Elf, who does all sorts of mischief, turning Mrs. Dursley into a rapper, Mr. Dursley into a screaming drag queen, and Dudley into a banana plant, all the while making it look like Harry is the culprit. When Dobby trashes the church and makes the pastor do a strip tease during the Sunday sermon, Harry is banned from the church. The Dursleys also throw him out on the street. With nowhere to go, Harry turns to prayer.


Suddenly Jesus appears before him and tells Harry that now, with Christ in his heart, he no longer needs a wand to do magic: his prayers will instantly manifest his desires. Together, Jesus and Harry go back to the Dursleys, where at first Mr. Dursley refuses to let them in, mistaking Jesus for one of Harry’s Hogwarts classmates. But Jesus makes Himself known, the Dursleys fall at his feet, and He exposes Dobby and vouches for Harry’s purity. The book ends with Harry’s baptism and the end of Hogwarts, which mysteriously goes up in flames.


Harry Potter and the War on Terror
If there is anything a righteous Christian likes more than reading about end times, it’s reading about Christians fighting terrorism. In this series, Harry will discover a conspiracy in the English monarchy between Queen Elizabeth and Osama Bin Laden, who is her lover and has not been captured because he has managed to remain hidden under her bed for the last four years. Harry defects from the United Kingdom and is granted political/religious asylum in America, in return for which he agrees to become a spy. He disguises himself as a Fulbright distinguished professor teaching theology in Afghanistan, where he fights terrorism by converting the nation into Christians. Harry will also have to fight the evil Lord Voldemort, who has joined forces with al-Qaida, changed his name to Mohammed Bin Bad, and created the most powerful terrorism network in the world.


Harry Potter and the Tribe of New Guinea Man Eaters Who Learn Their Ways Are Very Bad and Convert to Jesus

In this book Harry becomes a missionary and travels to New Guinea to convert a tribe of cannibals. Harry uses his magical witchcraft powers to impress the tribe’s witch doctor. He will then explain that this kind of magic is in fact evil, and that there is a greater power than witchcraft, which is prayer. He gets down on his knees and prays loudly to Jesus, who appears before the terrified tribe in a burst of blinding light. The terrified savages prostrate themselves before Harry and accept Jesus on the spot. Harry and Jesus shake hands and agree to become the “Dream Team for God.” This book can also go into detail about the exciting world of linguistics and Bible translation, illustrating how translating the Gospel of Luke into a native language can be fun and easy. Harry might also fall in love with the island chiefs’ daughter and learn the do’s and don’t’s of interracial courting.


Harry Potter and the Wrath of Hollywood
For years, Christians have been trying to take Hollywood away from the Jews. Harry Potter might be what everyone is praying for. This book might be considered the Christian “The Last Tycoon.” Harry will leave England for Hollywood to start a Christian production studio named “Left Behind Productions,” which the mean Jewish producers dub “My Left Cheek” and “Up My Behind Productions.” Harry will regularly engage in battles with overweight Jews and their demon-possessed Hollywood starlets. He might also team up with his old nemeses, Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape, whose greedy natures will help him to better understand how to successfully distribute and market Christian films to a secular world. Harry could also teach Christian actors how to act, Christian directors how to direct, and Christian screenwriters how to write. In one moving chapter, Harry teaches some gangsta rappers the evil consequences of violence and foul language and instantly converts them to Christianity. At the book’s end, all the Jews flee Hollywood for Texas, which they annex into a second Israel.


Harry Potter and the Olsen Twins
As you are probably aware, the Olsen twins are a franchise. Their franchise, however, is slipping, and is already developing a Christian angle for the purposes of better marketing. Why not have Harry join forces with Mary Kate and Ashley? Their adventures might include, among other things, sailing on the high seas and converting pirates; pony back riding in rural America and converting crazy mountain men who help them find lost gold; babysitting a bunch of South Park-crazed kids and converting them before the night’s end; starting a modeling business for Christian pretty people; uncovering sinister plots against the country and teaming up with Team America (whom Harry and the Olsens have converted) to solve them; and convincing Paris Hilton to renounce her evil ways and join up with Jack and Rexella Van Impe to travel to Africa and start a movement called “Starving for Jesus.”


Harry Potter and the Curse of the Queens
In this book, Harry’s best friend Ron Weasley announces that he is gay and has affections for Harry. Shocked and repulsed, Harry tries to convert Ron to Jesus, who will take the gayness out of him and replace it with healthy heterosexual testosterone. But Ron refuses to convert and instead moves to West Hollywood, where he becomes a hustler and falls in love with Brad Pitt. Harry has no choice but to condemn Ron (now Rona) and abolish their friendship. The entire ordeal leaves Harry so depressed that he is tempted to go back to witchcraft. Ultimately, however, he realizes that he can use his pain to educate others. He decides to help the world understand more clearly why homosexuality is evil, and he begins an anti-homosexual ministry, touring the country and giving lectures on how to ostracize homosexuals until they choose to go straight. Harry visits homosexual communities with a bevy of Supermodels and his team of “Jocks for Jesus,” dressed in skimpy bikinis and displaying anti-gay Bible verses in suggestive places on their bodies. Meanwhile, Ron has organized a Screaming Queen Rally in Hollywood to fight Harry. The Queens confront Harry and tie him to a tree with pantyhose. They are just about to dye his hair blonde and give him a Marilyn Makeover when Jesus appears and strikes them dead, all except for Ron, who escapes and plots his revenge.


Harry Potter and the Beast of Beelzebub
Since End Times books are the “it” thing in the Christian publishing world, we at the CBC believe that a Harry Potter apocalypse book is just what you need, Ms. Rowling, to get the attention of Christians worldwide. In this book, Harry realizes that he has been Left Behind™ during the Rapture, and immediately accepts the grace of God in dramatic style (there should be lots of weeping, shouting, and moaning on Harry’s part). Harry will have to fight Ron Weasley, his former best friend turned gay, who turns out to be the Antichrist. Hermione Granger will marry Ron and have his baby, but then she, too, will discover he’s the Antichrist and will run off to join an elite special-op Christian group that Harry is heading, where she will fight with Harry’s force in James Bond style (note that by James Bond we mean a sexless James Bond, of course). As for her baby, it will be a good/evil half-breed possessing both satantic and Christian genes. It will destroy everything in its path and then feel bad about it afterwards, until it is baptized by Harry, at which point the satanic gene will be disabled and the child will be pronounced the Second Christ.


Harry Potter Meets and Conquers Lust
In the final book in the series, Harry realizes he’s having unlawful lust for Hermione Granger, who, even though she fought with his forces against her Antichrist former husband, Ron Weasley, has not yet quite made up her mind to convert. Harry tells Hermione that while he loves her, they could never court unless she becomes a Christian. Weeping with joy, Hermione replies, “Oh, Harry—I love you, you stud muffin. Of course I’ll become a Christian for you!” Harry then goes to Hermione’s parents and receives their blessing to court. Harry and Hermione then time travel to Colonial America, where Harry will be a husky farmer and Hermione will be a pure girl of poor but devout stock. The two court during hardships (i.e. small pox, revolutionary wars, and other farm life trials). Harry will go off to fight a war and die, and Hermione will never marry again, remaining a beautiful Christian until her lonely but virtuous death, when her child from her marriage to Ron reappears as the Second Christ, saves the world once and for all, and takes her up to heaven.


Ms. Rowling, even if you yourself do not become a Christian, we urge you to consider the possibility of writing the “Harry Potter Meets Jesus” series and donating your share of the proceeds to worthy Christian causes like the CBC. Meanwhile, we are very excited about working with you in the future, and continue to pray for your salvation every night when we tally up our sales receipts.


Praying For Your Soul,

The CBC

Choose Your Own Bible Adventure (The Story of Genesis: From Adam to Abraham)

Page 1: God creates Adam, the first man. Things are going pretty good until he decides Adam has too many ribs, and he’s going to rip one out of him to create another person, who he calls woman but Adam calls Eve.
Go to page 4 if Adam decides Eve is a pretty special lady because she makes him feel sort of funny down there for no logical reason, and so he asks her to go study.
Go to page 6 if Adam decides he’d rather leave the Garden of Eden than spend the rest of his life hearing Eve’s constantly nagging him to put the toilet seat down

Page 2: well that’s just great…he’s dead! Fortunately the crazy man in the ark got to live, and so did a bunch of animals
Stop here if you’d like the hero to accept his destiny in hell, and spend eternity living it up with his new best friend torture
Go to page 10 if you’d like to see how his life could have turned out had you chosen the luxury cruise with Noah (sorry, but he’ll still have to return to hell when the adventure is over, but at least he’ll be in good company—I hear Frank Sinatra and Kurt Cobain have a pretty good band that plays in the third realm of hell on Friday nights)

Page 3: Dude what’s your problem? He could have just closed his eyes and pretended it was someone else. If you had chosen that nobody would have remembered what he did 200 years down the road and he would have lived to be like 800. But you didn’t and now his adventure on Earth must end and a new life of damnation in hell begins.

Page 4: Things are going pretty good with Adam and Eve. Adam has even started thinking Eve might even be the one until she gets curious and starts asking questions about a fruit tree that God has told Adam that he can never eat from. One day Eve tells Adam that a snake said it would be okay to eat from it.
Go to page 16 if Adam decides that talking snakes are just a little weird, and if God says not to eat from the forbidden tree then it would be a good idea not to eat from it
Go to page 12 if Adam decides the snake seems pretty cool, so why not trust him just this one time

Page 5: Lots of time passes. A splendid tower in Babel is built, which turns out to be not really splendid at all. Finally we arrive at a guy from the line of Noah named Abram who has a brother named Lot. Abram and his brother live it up and get rich together.
Go to page 7 if you want Abram to believe brothers are brothers are forever and no amount of money can come between them
Go to page 22 if you want Abram to believe money destroys everything (even brotherhood), so it’s best to part ways

Page 6: It seemed liked a smart move at first, but then he gets lost and refuses to ask for directions. Now he’s dead—better luck next time.

Page 7: Abram is living in a dream world. Lot thinks he’s trying to stage a corporate takeover of his cattle ranch and sends hit men to take out his entire family. Because Abram is his brother, he spares him and makes him a servant until at last he dies at the ripe age of 814. Abram’s death is painless, and his last word is “Rosebud.”

Page 8: Sarai hates Abram, and says that the reason she can’t get pregnant is because he doesn’t really love her. She kills Abram, and marries an uncircumcised man, who also cannot get her pregnant.

Page 9: See that wasn’t so bad…okay fine, it was disgusting. The good news is his brother decided to sleep with his other sister so now his kids only have to begat their cousins.
Go to page 5 if you think his life could be a whole lot worse, and at least Noah gave him a donkey to reward him for his offspring
Go to page 11 if you think what he did has left him with a feeling of disgrace and sadness, and to escape it all that’s left for him to do is leave his family and all his belongings behind and begin a new life.

Page 10: Congratulations he survived the worst flood the world has ever seen, and now it’s his duty to sleep with his sister and repopulate the world.
Go to page 9 if he decides to get it on for the sake of humanity
Go to page 3 if he decides humanity or not it’s just too freaky

Page 11: He could have at least brought that donkey Noah gave him, but alas he brought nothing.
Go to page 5 if he decides this is pretty much the dumbest idea he’s ever thought of, and he decides to turn around and return to his family
Go to page 6 if he decides to keep on trucking and hope for the best with a new life

Page 12: It turns out Adam shouldn’t have trusted the snake. God is really mad, and the apple wasn’t even that good. He throws Adam and Eve out of the garden, makes them ashamed of their nakedness, and tells them that because of what they did, he will one day unleash a horrid bloodsucking beast unto the world that people will call Paris Hilton
Go to page 17 if you think Adam should suck it up and make the best of his sin
Go to page 22 if you think Adam should give God a piece of his mind

Page 13: God’s happy but Eve is forever ticked. Even worse, the talking snake is on Eve’s side, and bites Adam on the rear, and releases venom into his body. He dies.

Page 14: God forgives him, and he makes it up the next time. God gives him a sister as a wife, and tells him to sleep with her and fill the Earth with his offspring
Go to page 3 if you think he should decide sleeping with his sister is just plain wrong and he’s not going to do it.
Go to page 15 if you think he should decide God knows best and he sleeps with her.

Page 15: Cain’s sister tells him on their honeymoon that she always favored Abel, and always dreamed one day that she’d marry him. Cain totally spoiled her childhood dream, and she kills him before he even has a chance to knock her up. Cain’s last thought before he dies is, “Why does everyone favor Abel?” Better luck next time.

Page 16: Well now Adam has done it: Eve won’t talk to him. Adam quickly realize it’s a no win situation. He either doesn’t eat from it, and have Eve on his case for the rest of his life; or he does it and risk God smiting him down.
Go to page 13 if you think Adam should just listen to God
Go to page 12 if you think Adam should take the risk

Page 17: Life sort of stinks: Adam has a beautiful woman at his side, but she’s too ashamed to see him naked to give him any.
Go to page 29 if you decide Adam needs to talk to Eve real sweet and see if he can convince her to sleep with him so he can bring some kids into the world who might not mess it up so bad.
Go to page 6 if you decide Adam shouldn’t have anything to do with Eve, and abandon her to start a new life.

Page 18: Did Cain really have to kill him? What did that prove? Now he has nobody to play tennis with, and God’s super mad at him.
Go to page 23 if you decide that Cain is sort of a jerk and you’d rather see life through another son of Adam
Go to page 32 if you decide Cain is sort of a jerk but his life makes for a good Soap Opera

Page 19: Not a bad choice, but this is where his adventure on Earth ends. Thanks for playing.

Page 20: You think Cain was bad? That was just for starters. After him the world pretty much was one giant Orgy, so God decides he needs to destroy it and try and make it a little better.
Go to page 22 if you decide there’s no point in living sense people are just going to drowned, so why not kill the hero off?
Go to page 30 if you decide he should start taking swimming lessons.

Page 21: Things are good for Cain. He’s got pretty nice parents, a great job working the soil, and God seems to be pleased with him overall. To reward God for this sweet life of his, Cain decides to give a little something back, so he puts together a really nice fruit basket. Unfortunately, his brother Abel has put together a plate of animal fat and God likes his offering better.
Go to page 14 if you decide Cain messed up, and you think Abel deserves the glory.
Go to page 18 if you decide Cain should kill Abel for stealing his limelight.

Page 22: Good call. Lot doesn’t have the best moral judgment. Abram, meanwhile, forms a covenant with God, and life seems good. About the only thing that gets this happy goose down is he just can get his wife to begat him a child. His wife Sarai was pretty bummed out about this so she said, “Hey, I know, why don’t you have sex with my maidservant Hagar so she’ll become pregnant,” but she sternly warned, “But don’t enjoy the sex, or else.”
Go to page 8 if you think Abram should remain true only to Sarai because she is only testing him
Go to page 24 if you think Abram should bang Haggar like a cheap gong on Chinese New Year, and not enjoy a minute of it

Page 23: Abe knocked up Eve again and she gave him a son whom they named Seth
Go to page 20 if you’d like to see what happens to Seth’s children
Go to page 25 if you’d rather read an abridged filmography of Seth Green

Page 24: Sarai hates Abram for what he did, but she hates Haggar even more. She throws here out of the house with her son Ishmael.
Go to page 26 if Abram should chase after Haggar and confesses his love, then move out on Sarai
Go to page 27 if Abram should give Sarai a great big hug and promise to never sleep with a maidservant again

Page 25: An amended list of Seth Green movies: Austin Powers; The Italian Job; Scooby Doo 2; Without a Paddle; The Best Man

Page 26: Abram buys beachfront property, and raises his new family by selling timeshare plans to locals. Sarai, in the meantime, hires a private investigator who tracks down Abram. She kills him and his entire family, thus killing off the chance of three religions.

Page 27: The hug was good enough for Sarai to forgive Abram, but God was pretty mad about the way they treated Haggar. Nonetheless, he tells Abram that Sarai should now be called Sarah, and she will bare him a son even though she is ninety.
Go to page 28 if you think God is just messing with Abram, and will send in someone any second to say he had just been Punk’d
Go to page 33 if you believe in miracles, and see no reason why Sarah shouldn’t have a kid at the age of ninety

Page 28: God smites Abram to the ground for doubting him. His adventure ends.

Page 29: Looks like your smooth talking got Eve back in the bedroom, because she just keeps popping kids out. He’s led a good life, but now he must die.
Go to page 21 if you’d like to continue to play by seeing the life of Adam’s children
Go to page 19 if you’d like to just forget his kids and have him die

Page 30: While practicing his swim, our hero meets this guy named Noah who tells him he’s building an ark to escape the flood. He tells him to come along and bring a sister.
Go to page 2 if you believe Noah’s crazy and he should seize the day while he still can
Go to page 10 if you believe Noah may be crazy, but at least he gets to go out in style with that luxury cruise he’s offering, so he should join him

Page 31: Good choice Abram lived happily ever after—except he had to change his name to Abraham, but that’s just a minor detail.

Page 32: Cain has a bunch of kids with his sister, and inspires a John Steinbeck novel called East of Eden, which Oprah selects for her book club, which totally makes Steinbeck’s Nobel Prize in Literature a mere footnote. Cain dies and his adventure ends.

Page 33: Sarah becomes pregnant, and has the most painful delivery ever. Age has made her bones brittle, and several break as the baby makes its way from the birth canal. When it’s over she screams to God, “This is why 90-year-old women should not have babies.”
Go to page 6 if you think Abram should totally freak out and ditch his wife and kids
Go to page 31 if you think he should rejoice about the birth and name the kid Isaac

Signs Your Church Is a Rainbow Shy of a Gay Bishop

In recent years, there has been a rise in the number of denominations that have elected or are considering electing gay bishops. These decisions have often created great uproars within the church. Most of these uproars are usually by members who have been caught off guard by the news. If church members are simply more ready for a gay bishop, then there is likely going to be less shock and scandal within the church. What follows are signs that your church might soon be getting a gay bishop.

Your church, because of recommendations made at the general conference, is exploring innovating ways to get people more religious and less spiritual.
Many churches considering gay bishops find themselves engaging in questionable activities, such as soccer camp, gay rights parades, and an annual church rodeo picnic. In all cases, churches will cite that this is okay because it gets people more “religious” and less “spiritual.” “Spirituality,” one gay bishop was quoted saying, “gets less involvement and commitment than religiosity does. Therefore, in all activities, a church should try to be more religious then spiritual.”

Female deacons begin dressing like men and refuse to where deodorant.
Unlike many fine gay citizens who smell clean and look pretty, female deacons questioning theirs and their churches sexuality begin acting like slobs. An explanation of why this is has always been vague. It starts with simple things like not brushing their hair, more casual blouses, and sneakers instead of heals. Before long, however, Sunday attire is a XXXL Broncos t-shirt, baggy jeans, and armpits that smell like the streets of Calcutta. While many of these woman remained straight slobs, many will in fact go on to be gay slobs—some even gay bishops themselves.

There's a love offering for the gay community.
The offerings are usually sincere enough (wanting to help non-Christians), but the real reason for these love offerings is to start a fund for hiring gay lawyers who will protect the rights of the church when members try to protest the denominations activities. Ministers will sanctify this offering with words that hide the true meaning behind them.

A gay singles group is started and it’s clear that it’s not the happy/Fred Flintstone gay kind of gay.
When the “Gay Singles Group” appears in the church bulletin with a paragraph that says, “We're planning a gay ole time” they don't mean “gay” in the happy sense. The word “gay” is clearly being used to confuse older members into thinking the group is for happy people. While it may be true that many people in such groups are happy, there will be several more who are lonely and looking for homosexual romance.

Minister stops’ using the Bible and nobody seems to notice.
One church minister had been reading cartoons from the New Yorker for his Sunday scripture reflection for 3 years straight. Another had taken to reading to the church congregants the daily Snoopy and Garfield strips. Both of these churches are now lead by the same gay bishop. By the time the minister stops using the Bible and you don't notice, you probably already have a gay bishop and have made all the proper justification in your mind that having one is indeed the right thing for the church to do. Kudos to you and your church.

Organist and choir are creating new hymns out of The Village Peoples lyrics.
The Village People songs are difficult to play on the church organ and also bad for the organ pipes. Despite the lyrics emphases on pro-YMCA and Navy themes, these songs are actually clear signs that a gay bishop will quickly follow. A recent study by one anti-gay bishop alliance showed that having the Village People and in some cases Queen will turn straight bishops into gay bishops. They cite the Village Peoples perky lyrics and wardrobe as a reason for a bishop’s sudden gayness.

News/media is hanging around your church asking members their reaction to the denominations decision to consider having a gay bishop.
Media is always a good source of information. Many times they will have the answer before you. If you notice an unexpectedly large number of journalists from local news outlet asking for a comment, then there are probably just rumors of a gay bishop; if press members include members of the national syndicated press, the rumors are confirmed; and if you see Barbara Walters lingering around, then you can expect an announcement by lunch.

Churches stages a performance of Our Town
No explanation need.

Pastor encourages congregants to buy and support Barbra Streisand.
There really is no logic to this, but it has been proven time and time again that gay bishops rise up in denominations that support Barbra Streisand. Many heretical Christians who like gay stereotypes believe it is because she chooses such bad films and gay people have bad taste. Said one openly straight gay hater, “All gay people talk funny and must therefore like bad movies.” Gay rights advocates do admit that Streisand does have horrible taste in her acting roles, and go further to say that she lacks the musical talents of most modern punk rock groups, but they go on to say, “Gays do not have bad taste.”

When you tell people where you fellowship they respond, “isn't that the gay church?”
People’s perception of a church is usually more accurate then your own. If a friend asks, “Isn't that that gay church?” You should not be afraid to question why. In 84.2% of all churches that have received gay bishops, 72% of all members had a friend who asked if they were going to the local “gay” church.

If your church matches any or all of the signs then let the truth sink in slowly. It takes time for many church members to come to terms with getting a gay bishop, but just sit back and let it happen—it will all feel better once you get used to the idea. Understand that your church has made all of these decisions in the interest of the church, and if they say that change is for the best, then understand that it is for the best. The church makes these decisions on your behalf so you don’t have to challenge your thinking.