Christi-ana-Meter

Holy
Internet Ministry
Da Vinci Code
“Excuse You” When You Sneeze

Back of the Church
College Ministry
Q Source
“Bless You” When You Sneeze

Tar & Feather
Prison Ministry
Gospel of Thomas
“God Bless You” When You Sneeze

The Lost Headlines of the Spin off National Enquirer Publication: The Christian Enquirer

Chariot of Fire used for Elijah Found on the Moon
The chariot of fire which, according to 2 Kings 2:11, took Elijah into heaven has been found on the moon. The chariot was found five feet in the ground, right underneath a World War II bomber. NASA quickly denied any rumors that Elijah was the mysterious man in the moon or that heaven was the moon. Biblical scholars believe that the chariot to heaven and then was flung into the moon. NASA who has been secretly going to the moon for twenty years with the Russians, dug up the chariot early this year, but have kept it quiet until now.

Man Dies After Discovering the Sin Unto Death
A Virginian man died last month after he, as authorities have now discovered, "committed the sin unto death." The sin, which is mentioned but not explained in 1 John 5:16, has been a mystery to scholars for thousands of years. The man, William Crawford of Claremont, was a self-proclaimed Biblical scholar who had told a friend the night before that he intended to find out what the sin that led to death was. Authorities concluded that the man had died of the sin that leads to death, after finding several of the man's fragmented notes. Crawford died before he was able to write down his findings, and it hence remains a mystery what the sin is.

Baby Born With Tattoo of Stephen
A baby was born an India last week with a tattoo on his right butt cheek that illustrates the stoning of Stephen. Doctors were baffled by the tattoos and do not know how it was possible for the tattoo got there. The parents, both Hindu's, did not know what the tattoo was of until a missionary doctor said, 'hey, that sure looks like the stoning of Stephen.' The parents, when asked what they thought of the tattoo, say it's "bad karma."

Satan Sells His Soul to Devil
Satan, who has had a run of bad luck in recent years, has been forced into selling his soul to the Devil to repay unpaid incurred dept acquired on bad business ventures. Satan, in a statement to the associated press, said that "he didn't use it anyway." Sources close to the fallen angel say he had been considering the move ever sense he produced the mega box office bomb Glitter and Gigli. Accountants say the move should help get Satan back on his feet and profitable by years end.

Elvis's Corpse Found in Noah's Ark
Experts say the remains of a man inside a large ark now being called Noah's Ark, are that of Elvis Presley. It is not known how Elvis got to the Ark, but experts believe that Elvis always had a desire to research Biblical archeology, but he knew he could never pursue this dream with so many fans distracting him, so he faked his own death. Noah's Ark is the greatest known discovery of the late legend. Authorities now believe it was also Presley who discovered The Dead Sea Scrolls to which it is believed inspired several of his songs (including Pink Cadillac).

2-Year-Old Preaches First Sermon
Tommy Tucker, a two-year-old, who only recently learned how to speak, preached his first sermon to a crowd of three hundred on Sunday. The boy, who says he is still decided what denomination of Protestantism that he identifies with, preached a sermon on loving the children. While the child is the youngest to preach a sermon in the history of Christianity, he says he still hasn't decided if this is his chosen career path; last week he wanted to be a fireman, this week he wanted to be a dog. The proud parents of the boy say he's wanted to preach since he was a child.

Organization Sends Missionaries to the Mars
After a report that there may be life on the Mars, organizers for several mission agencies have decided that they would have missionaries on Mars by 2015. The missionaries, now being hailed misstronauts, will be selected based on their desire to translate the Bible to aliens and ability their to fly a space shuttle. Once on the red planet, missionaries will have to determine what species should get to here the gospel; many conservative scholars believe the gospel was only intended for human life forms, while many conservative critics have argued that the gospel is for all species—including parasitic life. A separate missions agency, Operation Galaxy Quest, began earlier this year claiming to be the only first extraterrestrial missions agency in existence.

Prostitute to Have Virgin Child
God has immaculately impregnated an Asian hooker known to clients as, "The Sunset Whore." The woman who goes by the name Star says God impregnated her in a gutter while she was recovering from a hangover. She says she will name the child Momo-Tick-Tock, which she says is street talk for, "God be playing games with me." Star's Sugar Daddy claims she has not been with a man in over a month, and that her claims are real; despite the holiness of the child, he is encouraging her to abort the baby or risk losing her job. Friends of the woman were not surprised by the announcement because she's, "a good girl—very spiritual outside the bedroom."

86 Year-Old-Man Excretes Scroll
An 86-year-old Kansas farmer excreted the remains of ancient scroll at his ranch last month. The remains, known as the "smelly scroll," contain what Jews and Christians both consider apocryphal text of the New Testament. The man's claims that all he had for breakfast was ham and eggs. The scroll will be on display at museums early next year.

Christian Humor News

Yesterday, I started what, for the several weeks, will be a regular feature here on the ChristianHumorist; today I will start one more: Christian Humor News. Each week I'll bring you weird stories, weird facts, and just plain weird stuff in Christian news.

I will still update this site with original material, but it's fun not to be original every now and again.

So with that...Weird Al. What's Weird Al doing on a Christian humor blog you may ask? Well, I'll tell you. Weird Al it seems has a new competitor in the world of parody music, and their name is ApologetiX. The band started a few years back, but are apparently becoming the talk of the Christian town. They have several CDs out and make fun of everyone from Linkin Park to Queen. You can even download them on iTunes!

I listened to samples of a few of there songs, and they're not bad; they're not great either. The only thing funny about them is how few of there songs are actually funny. For a parody band they seemed to take themself very seriously. They kind of remind me of that South Park episode where one of the kids starts a Christian band.

The band is currently on tour on the East Coast. For more information check out: http://www.apologetix.com/

Christi-ana-Meter

Holy
Chronicles of Narnia
Purpose Driven Life
Spoiled Person At Church BBQ
Condemning the Da Vinci Code

Back of the Church
Lord of the Rings
Case for Christ
Spoiled Beef At Church BBQ
Condemning Harry Potter

Tar & Feather
Left Behind: The Movie
Prayer of Jabez
Spoiled Potato Salad At Church BBQ
Condemning Charlotte’s Web

Christi-ana-Meter

I love lists. If you do to, then I hope you enjoy "Christi-ana-Meter." I'll will be posting one of these a week for the next few weeks. In case your confused by what this is, let me make it simple: it's a list of what is hot, what was hot, and what hasn't be hot for quite sometime...enjoy!

Christians Are Slobs…and It May Be Biblical

Not to long ago, Thomas Kimble, a co-worker and self proclaimed Baptist invited me to his home for lunch. I had never been there before, but he was always describing it along with all the improvements he had did or was planning on doing to it, and shared boastful pictures of how great it looked now that he fixed it up.
The home seemed normal from the outside, when I came to lunch that day—much as it had looked in the pictures he had shown me.. It looked well kept. The roof, windows and paint all seemed to be new; the lawn and flowerbed were bright and inviting. Then I went inside.
I was appalled at the mere sight of the inside from the moment that Thomas cheerfully opened the door and welcomed me to his home with a firm handshake. I realized that sometimes people run short on time and don’t have time to clean—that’s all perfectly understandable—but Thomas’s house was…uncalled for.
The carpet, which had to have been installed sometime before Nixon was elected into office, was stained in several places; there was a hole in one of the walls big enough to stick my head into; the dinning room table was covered with dirty dishes, and the couch was missing a cushion. And worse was the smell of mildew that hit you like a gush of wind when you entered the house.
Then Thomas spoke. I expected him to say something along the lines of, “You know how I told you I had no kids? I lied. I actually have fourteen of them—fifteen if you count the ape that frequently visits the place.” But instead he said, completely unashamed of his lifestyle, “Welcome to my humble home.”
I didn’t speak for several seconds, being still stunned by the overt crudeness of the home. I felt embarrassed for him. Had I known that this was the way he lived, I would have offered we eat at a restaurant. Then I remembered that he had offered this, and Thomas insisted that we go to this place to eat—he was proud of it for reason only insanity can explain. Finally I said, “This is…this is quite some home you have, Thomas.”
He smiled widely, “It’s not much, but it gives us shelter.” He looked at the kitchen and smiled, “Well how about some lunch?”
I could hardly imagine where we might eat, but did my best to hide my astonishment. “I’m starved.”
Thomas’s lunch could have passed for something straight out of a gourmet restaurant. He said it had taken him all morning to make, and I believed him. The food on the plate looked like Thomas believed that serving food was a form of artwork. There was chicken glazed in a homemade orange marmalade sauce, a white custard, and assorted fruits; each were proportionally organized on the plate. I was surprised that someone would spend so much time on cooking and so little time keeping the house up. After seeing the house, I half expected to have barbeque rats for lunch.
Thomas led me outside after lunch to his patio, which seemed a haven for bird crap. The entire patio seemed to be a collection of unfinished projects: a half-finished rock pathway that stopped in the middle of dirt, weeds that went past my ankles, a half built firepit, a un-built swing set, a four foot hole in the middle of the yard, and two tree stumps with poles sticking out. It was not a pretty sight, but at least the mildew smell was gone.
As we ate, I heard the front door open and close and Thomas said in a tone that I think was supposed to impress me, “That must be the housecleaner?” “The housecleaner?” I tried not to sound too surprised. I wanted to laugh and mockingly say, “My goodness, Thomas—what on Earth does the woman clean?”
“My wife just doesn’t have time to do it herself. We have a little deal, she can have a housecleaner once a week if I can have a gardener to mow the lawn.”
I watched the housecleaner curiously, trying to understand what her job tasks were. I watched as she dusted, moved the plates from the table to the sink, vacuumed, and wash the windows. I wondered if she knew it would take days to make a single dent in the house.
I wanted badly for Thomas to say something about the disarray of the house. Something to say he at least acknowledged it and felt some remorse that he had let it get this out of hand. Instead he did the complete opposite. He bragged about it. “It’s funny,” Thomas explained, “I used to be a complete neat freak until I became a Baptist.”
“Is that so?” He nodded. “After I became a member, a friend of mine—another Baptist—told me at a little get together we had at our house that him and his wife had been in a Bible study and someone read off a verse that proved Christians didn’t have to clean.”
“Where does it say it?”
“I don’t know, but a few weeks later my pastor quoted it as well. I think he most have been quoting from Jesus.”
“And it’s in the Bible?”
“Honest to God it is—I’m sure it must be a gospel.”
“Really.” I wasn’t a Bible scholar, but I thought my four years studying comparative religion had prepared me for at least some of the insanity that religion tends to throw out. This was complete news to me. I suppose I didn’t really care if it was Biblical or not. If he said it was, then it must be. It sounded like it could be, and he probably knew more about the stuff then me, so I left it at that.
Mom has always been a neat freak. If company was coming over, then not only did the living room and kitchen have to be cleared, but also the bedrooms, the garage, and the attic. There would always be the evil glance if the bed wasn’t made five minutes before the company was slated to arrive. I was always a little disappoint that the company didn’t inspect the bedrooms and garage or even the attic. All the hard work for nothing.
Mom is a Christian, and I always imagined that part of the reason the house was always so neat was because this is what a good Christian wife was supposed to do. Growing up most of my friends were not Christian and I always wrongly assumed had I had a Christian friend their house would be neat, and had I ventured into the attic it would be neat also. I was wrong—dead wrong.
I became ever more curious about the interior design of Christian homes when I left Thomas’s house. I began making a point of making conversation with Christians, and making excuses to visit their homes. “You have a patio room? I’ve been considering putting one in my home for quite sometime—I don’t suppose you’d let me take a peak?” “You had a new kitchen countertop put in? I don’t suppose you’d let me come over and see it’s fine craftsmanship?” “You had your bathroom redone? I just have to see it—how’s Thursday at 3:00 sound?” Some Christians I knew had Bible studies at their house, and I began attending just to get a look inside.
There was Ron Heller, the Methodist, whose home was surprisingly well kept, but at closer look had more dust than a house in the Sahara that had just had a sandstorm come in the front door and leave the back. His wife, Sue, walked around the house with watery eyes and a stuffed up nose complaining about how her “allergies had been so bad lately.” The thought of the collected dust as a reason for this didn’t seem to cross her mind.
There was Linda and Larry Henderson, the Greek Orthodox couple, who decorated every square inch of their walls with file cabinets, bookcases, chairs and plants. I was pretty certain that their walls were painted a pastel color, but this fact could not be verified, as their walls could only be seen in one or two places.
There was Christine Tyler, who went to a non-denominational church twice a week, who seemed confused about colors. Two of the walls in the living room were different colors; the bathroom wall was bright purple, and the bedroom walls had had all the paint scraped off because she was “planning to paint it sometime next year.” Her carpet was no better; it was stained all over and in one place it had actually been lifted up and removed because, “I was thinking of putting in a new carpet, but then changed my mind.”
And of course there was the Baptist, Thomas Kimble. Baptist, I have learned, are the most untidy of them all.
The common theme in most of these homes was the “unfinished project”—the spa in the bathroom that had been put in, but not had the plumbing installed to it; the whole in the ground that was dug out for a pond that had never been put in; the flowerbed with no flowers.
The more homes I visited, the more I started to see trends—not just in Christian homes. It was more specific than that. Different denominations had different degrees of messiness. I got to the point were I could tell what denomination a person was by the mere disarray of their homes. Lutheran’s were pretty neat, but decorated their houses oddly. Episcopalians have lots of clutter; there homes tend to have papers spread out in very odd places (on top of fish tanks, in dog bowls, pretty much everywhere); they also had boxes, shelves, books, magazine, accompanying every spare place on the wall. It seemed the more evangelical a person was, the more messy their house became.
What has kept mom neat even though she remains Christian? I’ve wondered that quite a bit lately, and have come to only one conclusion: no one ever told mom she was allowed to be messy—it is Biblical. She’s one of those rare breeds that never quite fit in. She’s been to messy Christian homes in the past, but I don’t believe she ever put two and two together.

But I'm Still Hungry...

Timmy DeSota, a nine-year-old boy from St. Paul Minnesota, admitted to his mom that he left church still feeling hungry even after eating two communion wafers in church. DeSota, no stranger to communion, further admitted that he had never felt so unsatisfied in his life, and that the church should consider switching to a bread that contains more fiber.

His mother, Nancy DeSota, is a former third grade Sunday school teacher, and was no stranger to the theological questions that her son's unsatisfactory feelings imposed. She explained to Timmy that the bread was symbolic for Christ's body and should never be taken to satisfy a physical hunger, rather only to satisfy a spiritual hunger.

Timmy was not happy with this answer, and went to great measures to change the system. After a meeting with the pastor, Timmy was able to convince him that the church indeed was not satisfying the hunger of their congregates, and that they should therefore switch to a multi-grain communion bread.

In a telephone interview, the pastor of the church Charles Webber, acknowledge that a hungry church was less likely to listen in church, and thus would not be fed spiritually.