This isn't exactly weird news, but it is interesting news (if you like puns you may even say it's Good News). Follow the link below for an oldie, but goodie, about how the Bible business works, and why publishers can't get enough of it.
http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/12/18/061218fa_fact1
Friday, November 30, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Christi-ana-Meter
Holy
Colorado Springs As the Conservative Hot Spot
SpongeBob – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
Born Again Virgin
Sermons On the End Times
Back of the Church
Orange County As the Conservative Hot Spot
TeleTubbies – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
No Sex Before Marriage
Sermons On the End Times
Tar & Feather
London As the Conservative Hot Spot
Barney – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
No Kissing Before Marriage
Sermons On the End Times
Colorado Springs As the Conservative Hot Spot
SpongeBob – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
Born Again Virgin
Sermons On the End Times
Back of the Church
Orange County As the Conservative Hot Spot
TeleTubbies – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
No Sex Before Marriage
Sermons On the End Times
Tar & Feather
London As the Conservative Hot Spot
Barney – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
No Kissing Before Marriage
Sermons On the End Times
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Pirate's of the Caribbean Commentary Track, with Jerry Falwell, Tim LaHaye, and Pat Robertson
Originally published in the September/October 2005 (Issue #201) of The Wittenburg Door (http://archives.wittenburgdoor.com/archives/pirates.html)
FALWELL: Cool beans! Fog. That's a creepy way to start a movie.
LAHAYE: It's very end times-ish. Not bad for a secular film.
ROBERTSON: I heard that one of the assistants to the Director of Photography was a Christian.
FALWELL: That sounds like gossip.
LAHAYE: I agree with Jer on that one ... we better stick to facts.
ROBERTSON: (Snickers) Oh, like you stuck with "the facts" in the Left Behind books...
FALWELL: That song she's singing is very enchanting.
ROBERTSON: I think it's too scary for children under 12. Teens could handle it though—if they're with their parents, of course.
FALWELL: Of course.
ROBERTSON: I never let my children listen to songs with words. Except for John Denver.
FALWELL: John Denver was a very good singer. Of course, he's burning in hell.
LAHAYE: Of course.
ROBERTSON: You know I'm not too sure about this film. It almost seems like that girl is thinking positively about pirates.
LAHAYE: Kids are so wicked today. It's a sign that the end is near.
FALWELL: If it wasn't for those queer little Teletubbies, our kids would be a lot better off.
ROBERTSON: Oh brother—here comes another one of Jer's Telly rants.
LAHAYE: Both of you shut your traps and let's watch the movie.
FALWELL: I'm just saying that kids were a lot less wicked when we didn't have those freaky little puppet fags singing to them.
LAHAYE: And I say drop it. Let's watch the movie.
ROBERTSON: Oh my—now that's definitely not good!
LAHAYE: What? What'd I miss? Darn it Falwell, you made me miss something.
ROBERTSON: That girl—the one that acts like a demon—she just stole the demon necklace that guy was wearing that they pulled out of the water.
FALWELL: They pulled someone from the water?
ROBERTSON: For Pete's sake Jer, keep up—you're so impossible to watch a movie with!
LAHAYE: She definitely stole it all right. Stealing is so wrong. A lot of people don't know that it is, but it is.
FALWELL: This movie reminds me of The Shaggy Dog.
ROBERTSON: The Shaggy Dog?!
FALWELL: You know about the girl who goes to Vegas and becomes a stripper?
LAHAYE: Showgirls?
FALWELL: That's the one. I thought it was The Shaggy Dog.
ROBERTSON: You saw Showgirls?
FALWELL: I had to be able to tell my congregation why it was evil to see it.
LAHAYE: Why didn't you just say it was a porno?
FALWELL: I guess I just didn't.
LAHAYE: Oh no, this looks scandalous. That girl's in bed.
ROBERTSON: Relax, she's fully covered.
LAHAYE: Well, I hardly think we should be imagining any girl but our wives in pajamas.
FALWELL: He's got you there, Patty-boy.
ROBERTSON: I'm not even listening to you. I can't believe you saw Showgirls.
LAHAYE: You know, the girl's dad is wearing a really nice wig.
FALWELL: I had a wig like that once. I read a passage in the Bible that I misinterpreted as saying only bald men will go to heaven, so I cut off all my hair. Then I wore that kind of wig when I figured out that hair was okay with God.
LAHAYE: I can't believe they're showing the girl putting on her dress. Scandalous!
FALWELL: It looks innocent to me.
ROBERTSON: Compared to Showgirls I'm sure it is.
LAHAYE: I suppose since they're not showing anything it's okay for married couples to see. It's better than her prancing around in those pajamas.
ROBERTSON: And it is one of those nice Victorian dresses.
FALWELL: I sure wish women still wore those.
LAHAYE: Now they walk around half-naked in their tight jeans and loose fitting t-shirts. It's a sign of the end. Not that I look at them, of course.
FALWELL : (Giggles) Of course.
ROBERTSON: My son told me a lot of this movie is taken straight from the ride. I'm not seeing it, though.
FALWELL: Ride? There's a ride about this?
LAHAYE: At Disneyland—surely even you must have known.
FALWELL: Disneyland? Do you mean to say that this is a Disney movie?
ROBERTSON: Didn't you see the logo at the start of the movie?
FALWELL: I was making the popcorn. Why didn't you tell me? I can't watch this. I'm supposed to be boycotting Disney movies.
LAHAYE: Roberston and I were talking about that while you were popping the kernels. We thought you lifted the boycott to focus more attention on homosexual awareness of Spongebob.
FALWELL: I did no such thing, and I can watch no more of this.
ROBERTSON: Hey Timmy, ain't that the elf guy from Lord of the Rings?
LAHAYE: Like I'd know. That movie was based on a book by a Catholic.
ROBERTSON: A Catholic? I didn't know that.
LAHAYE: How could you not? All fantasy books are written by either Catholics or witches.
ROBERTSON: He's carrying a sword—this must be why it got the PG-13 rating.
LAHAYE: PG-13? I can only watch G or PG.
ROBERTSON: Wasn't Left Behind: The Movie PG-13?
LAHAYE: I watched the censored version.
ROBERTSON: Well, how about if I just tell you to close your eyes during the bad parts?
LAHAYE: I still have ears.
ROBERTSON: How about you cover your eyes, and I'll cover your ears.
LAHAYE: And what if the world ends while you're doing this? God might mistake that as some kind of homosexual ritual and send us both to hell.
ROBERTSON: Point taken. I'll tell you how the rest of the movie turns out.
LAHAYE: I wish I could have at least seen a few pirates.
ROBERTSON: There's pirates in this movie?
LAHAYE: That's what the title says.
ROBERTSON: I'll have no part in that. Pirates are sinners!
LAHAYE: Arrgh, matey! (Snickers.)
FALWELL: Cool beans! Fog. That's a creepy way to start a movie.
LAHAYE: It's very end times-ish. Not bad for a secular film.
ROBERTSON: I heard that one of the assistants to the Director of Photography was a Christian.
FALWELL: That sounds like gossip.
LAHAYE: I agree with Jer on that one ... we better stick to facts.
ROBERTSON: (Snickers) Oh, like you stuck with "the facts" in the Left Behind books...
FALWELL: That song she's singing is very enchanting.
ROBERTSON: I think it's too scary for children under 12. Teens could handle it though—if they're with their parents, of course.
FALWELL: Of course.
ROBERTSON: I never let my children listen to songs with words. Except for John Denver.
FALWELL: John Denver was a very good singer. Of course, he's burning in hell.
LAHAYE: Of course.
ROBERTSON: You know I'm not too sure about this film. It almost seems like that girl is thinking positively about pirates.
LAHAYE: Kids are so wicked today. It's a sign that the end is near.
FALWELL: If it wasn't for those queer little Teletubbies, our kids would be a lot better off.
ROBERTSON: Oh brother—here comes another one of Jer's Telly rants.
LAHAYE: Both of you shut your traps and let's watch the movie.
FALWELL: I'm just saying that kids were a lot less wicked when we didn't have those freaky little puppet fags singing to them.
LAHAYE: And I say drop it. Let's watch the movie.
ROBERTSON: Oh my—now that's definitely not good!
LAHAYE: What? What'd I miss? Darn it Falwell, you made me miss something.
ROBERTSON: That girl—the one that acts like a demon—she just stole the demon necklace that guy was wearing that they pulled out of the water.
FALWELL: They pulled someone from the water?
ROBERTSON: For Pete's sake Jer, keep up—you're so impossible to watch a movie with!
LAHAYE: She definitely stole it all right. Stealing is so wrong. A lot of people don't know that it is, but it is.
FALWELL: This movie reminds me of The Shaggy Dog.
ROBERTSON: The Shaggy Dog?!
FALWELL: You know about the girl who goes to Vegas and becomes a stripper?
LAHAYE: Showgirls?
FALWELL: That's the one. I thought it was The Shaggy Dog.
ROBERTSON: You saw Showgirls?
FALWELL: I had to be able to tell my congregation why it was evil to see it.
LAHAYE: Why didn't you just say it was a porno?
FALWELL: I guess I just didn't.
LAHAYE: Oh no, this looks scandalous. That girl's in bed.
ROBERTSON: Relax, she's fully covered.
LAHAYE: Well, I hardly think we should be imagining any girl but our wives in pajamas.
FALWELL: He's got you there, Patty-boy.
ROBERTSON: I'm not even listening to you. I can't believe you saw Showgirls.
LAHAYE: You know, the girl's dad is wearing a really nice wig.
FALWELL: I had a wig like that once. I read a passage in the Bible that I misinterpreted as saying only bald men will go to heaven, so I cut off all my hair. Then I wore that kind of wig when I figured out that hair was okay with God.
LAHAYE: I can't believe they're showing the girl putting on her dress. Scandalous!
FALWELL: It looks innocent to me.
ROBERTSON: Compared to Showgirls I'm sure it is.
LAHAYE: I suppose since they're not showing anything it's okay for married couples to see. It's better than her prancing around in those pajamas.
ROBERTSON: And it is one of those nice Victorian dresses.
FALWELL: I sure wish women still wore those.
LAHAYE: Now they walk around half-naked in their tight jeans and loose fitting t-shirts. It's a sign of the end. Not that I look at them, of course.
FALWELL : (Giggles) Of course.
ROBERTSON: My son told me a lot of this movie is taken straight from the ride. I'm not seeing it, though.
FALWELL: Ride? There's a ride about this?
LAHAYE: At Disneyland—surely even you must have known.
FALWELL: Disneyland? Do you mean to say that this is a Disney movie?
ROBERTSON: Didn't you see the logo at the start of the movie?
FALWELL: I was making the popcorn. Why didn't you tell me? I can't watch this. I'm supposed to be boycotting Disney movies.
LAHAYE: Roberston and I were talking about that while you were popping the kernels. We thought you lifted the boycott to focus more attention on homosexual awareness of Spongebob.
FALWELL: I did no such thing, and I can watch no more of this.
ROBERTSON: Hey Timmy, ain't that the elf guy from Lord of the Rings?
LAHAYE: Like I'd know. That movie was based on a book by a Catholic.
ROBERTSON: A Catholic? I didn't know that.
LAHAYE: How could you not? All fantasy books are written by either Catholics or witches.
ROBERTSON: He's carrying a sword—this must be why it got the PG-13 rating.
LAHAYE: PG-13? I can only watch G or PG.
ROBERTSON: Wasn't Left Behind: The Movie PG-13?
LAHAYE: I watched the censored version.
ROBERTSON: Well, how about if I just tell you to close your eyes during the bad parts?
LAHAYE: I still have ears.
ROBERTSON: How about you cover your eyes, and I'll cover your ears.
LAHAYE: And what if the world ends while you're doing this? God might mistake that as some kind of homosexual ritual and send us both to hell.
ROBERTSON: Point taken. I'll tell you how the rest of the movie turns out.
LAHAYE: I wish I could have at least seen a few pirates.
ROBERTSON: There's pirates in this movie?
LAHAYE: That's what the title says.
ROBERTSON: I'll have no part in that. Pirates are sinners!
LAHAYE: Arrgh, matey! (Snickers.)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Darling Jehovah
Darling Jehovah
Prince shocked the world last week by announcing he would once more sing Darling Nikki with changed lyrics and title. The new song, Darling Jehovah follows below:
I know a guy named Jehovah
I guess u could say he was a spiritual friend of mine.
I met him in a hotel lobby
Congregating with a group of people
He said how’d u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Jehovah smile
He took me 2 his kingdom
And I just couldn’t believe my eyes
He had so many cool things
But nothing the money could by
He said sign your name on the dotted line
The lights went bright
And Jehovah started to condemn
Jehovah
The kingdom started spinning
Or maybe it was my enlightened brain
I can’t tell u what he did
Except that there were lasers
And he killed those sinners good
Oh, he’ll show u no mercy
Unless you tu’nuff tu’nuff turn from your evil ways
Darlin’ Jehovah
Woke up the next morning
Jehovah wasn’t there
I looked all over and all I found
Was a phone number on the stairs
It said hope u had a real fun time
Call me up whenever u want 2 watch me condemn
Oh, Jehovah, ohhhh
Forgive them Jehovah, Forgive them
They’re dirty little princes
Who only wanna grind.
Prince shocked the world last week by announcing he would once more sing Darling Nikki with changed lyrics and title. The new song, Darling Jehovah follows below:
I know a guy named Jehovah
I guess u could say he was a spiritual friend of mine.
I met him in a hotel lobby
Congregating with a group of people
He said how’d u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Jehovah smile
He took me 2 his kingdom
And I just couldn’t believe my eyes
He had so many cool things
But nothing the money could by
He said sign your name on the dotted line
The lights went bright
And Jehovah started to condemn
Jehovah
The kingdom started spinning
Or maybe it was my enlightened brain
I can’t tell u what he did
Except that there were lasers
And he killed those sinners good
Oh, he’ll show u no mercy
Unless you tu’nuff tu’nuff turn from your evil ways
Darlin’ Jehovah
Woke up the next morning
Jehovah wasn’t there
I looked all over and all I found
Was a phone number on the stairs
It said hope u had a real fun time
Call me up whenever u want 2 watch me condemn
Oh, Jehovah, ohhhh
Forgive them Jehovah, Forgive them
They’re dirty little princes
Who only wanna grind.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Harry Meets Jesus: Harry Potter 10 Years Later
Child witch turned adult film star, Harry Potter, announced today in dramatic style that he has had yet another change of heart and become a born again Christian. His decision came after having a heart to heart with another bad boy turned good, Eminem (who himself became a Christian after his mother shot him in the chest at a Tokyo concert last year, and he reevaluated his life).
As a child, Harry was best known for his witchcraft. Life changed for Harry, however, on his 17th birthday when his witchcraft turned sour and Harry’s face became deformed while trying to make a potion for the ultimate zit cream. Harry went soul searching after the mishap, and ended up in Los Angeles with no money, no friends and no future.
In Los Angeles, unable to find work elsewhere, Harry answered the personal ad of an adult film director in search of a body double. Harry lied about his age and was hired by the director, and made his first appearance as a body double in the film Order of the Gigolo.
It was on the set of the movie that Harry met former United States President Bill Clinton, who himself had become an adult film star to meet unattractive women. Clinton turned Harry onto alcohol, and the two of them would spend long hours talking about how screwed up their lives were.
One night, while both Harry and Clinton were drunk, Clinton asked Harry, “Do you know what it’s like to have a wife for President? The press calls me the First Lady!” Harry, for reasons that he does not even know, said that he did no what it was like and the two got in a fight and never talked again (though Harry did work as Clintons body double for two films).
Not long after Harry’s shattered friendship with Clinton, Harry realized he had a drinking problem and entered a North Hollywood rehab clinic. On Harry’s second day at the clinic, Harry met Eminem in the reflection garden. Eminem was sitting Indian style next to the rose garden rapping to himself about a butterfly. Harry took a seat not far from the rapper and sighed loudly. Eminem, realizing immediately the troubles of Potter, sat next to Harry, put his arm around him, and said, “Friend, Jesus loves you.” Harry laughed and then turned to see that the person who had said this was his favorite rapper as a child. According to Potter’s telling of the story, he immediately said, “You’re the real slim shady!”
To which Eminem shook his head no, “I used to call myself that, but then I realized I was a fake. My wife left me, my mama tried to kill me, drugs wouldn’t help me, and then I found Jesus and I finally found life.” Harry asked Eminem to explain. When he did, Harry knew that he wanted Christ as well.
A new friendship blossomed between Eminem and Harry Potter. Harry cites him for beating the odds and finding his life again, and Eminem is now Harry’s accountability partner, and he is helping Harry make a new roadmap for his life.
Harry has asked Ticketmaster to sell tickets to his public baptism at Sea World early next week, and is also signing a deal to let Fox have the broadcasting rights. Harry says he wants to write the screenplay to his life, get E to do his true life Hollywood story, and then attend a Christian college and become a youth pastor or possibly a lead vocalist for a Christian punk rock group.
As a child, Harry was best known for his witchcraft. Life changed for Harry, however, on his 17th birthday when his witchcraft turned sour and Harry’s face became deformed while trying to make a potion for the ultimate zit cream. Harry went soul searching after the mishap, and ended up in Los Angeles with no money, no friends and no future.
In Los Angeles, unable to find work elsewhere, Harry answered the personal ad of an adult film director in search of a body double. Harry lied about his age and was hired by the director, and made his first appearance as a body double in the film Order of the Gigolo.
It was on the set of the movie that Harry met former United States President Bill Clinton, who himself had become an adult film star to meet unattractive women. Clinton turned Harry onto alcohol, and the two of them would spend long hours talking about how screwed up their lives were.
One night, while both Harry and Clinton were drunk, Clinton asked Harry, “Do you know what it’s like to have a wife for President? The press calls me the First Lady!” Harry, for reasons that he does not even know, said that he did no what it was like and the two got in a fight and never talked again (though Harry did work as Clintons body double for two films).
Not long after Harry’s shattered friendship with Clinton, Harry realized he had a drinking problem and entered a North Hollywood rehab clinic. On Harry’s second day at the clinic, Harry met Eminem in the reflection garden. Eminem was sitting Indian style next to the rose garden rapping to himself about a butterfly. Harry took a seat not far from the rapper and sighed loudly. Eminem, realizing immediately the troubles of Potter, sat next to Harry, put his arm around him, and said, “Friend, Jesus loves you.” Harry laughed and then turned to see that the person who had said this was his favorite rapper as a child. According to Potter’s telling of the story, he immediately said, “You’re the real slim shady!”
To which Eminem shook his head no, “I used to call myself that, but then I realized I was a fake. My wife left me, my mama tried to kill me, drugs wouldn’t help me, and then I found Jesus and I finally found life.” Harry asked Eminem to explain. When he did, Harry knew that he wanted Christ as well.
A new friendship blossomed between Eminem and Harry Potter. Harry cites him for beating the odds and finding his life again, and Eminem is now Harry’s accountability partner, and he is helping Harry make a new roadmap for his life.
Harry has asked Ticketmaster to sell tickets to his public baptism at Sea World early next week, and is also signing a deal to let Fox have the broadcasting rights. Harry says he wants to write the screenplay to his life, get E to do his true life Hollywood story, and then attend a Christian college and become a youth pastor or possibly a lead vocalist for a Christian punk rock group.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Shameless Door Promotion
I have had several religion humor stories in the Door magazine over the years, and I have now recieved word that I can start republishing some of them online. So, beginning next week you will start seeing these stories appear from time to time.
It will of course be free to read here, but I still encourage you to buy or subscribe to the magazine. It really is one of the best parody magazines out there...actually it's one of the only parody magazines out there!
They also have a few true interviews in each issue. One thing I've always loved about them is their small, and many notable people have been pretty revealing in their interviews, because they know not that many people will read what they say.
Check them out at: www.thedoormagazine.com. They are redoing their website and will have a lot more material online soon.
And come back next week to see some refurbished material from the Door.
It will of course be free to read here, but I still encourage you to buy or subscribe to the magazine. It really is one of the best parody magazines out there...actually it's one of the only parody magazines out there!
They also have a few true interviews in each issue. One thing I've always loved about them is their small, and many notable people have been pretty revealing in their interviews, because they know not that many people will read what they say.
Check them out at: www.thedoormagazine.com. They are redoing their website and will have a lot more material online soon.
And come back next week to see some refurbished material from the Door.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Christian Humor News - Heritage USA
I'm always surprised to here how many people have never heard about Heritage USA. Back in the 80's is was the most visited vacation resort in the nation right behind Disneyland and Disney World; over 6,000,000 people visited annually. It was 2,300 acres (just to give you an idea of how massive this is...when Walt Disney bought land for Disneyland he bought just over 150 acres)
So if park is so grand and mighty, then what happened to it? Two words (actually a name): Jim Bakker. In case you have never heard that name, I'll give you his life in a nutshell: televangelist, did shady things, got caught by the IRS, went to jail.
For a great history of this park (along with some wonderful shots of an abandoned park) visit: http://illicitohio.com/SBNO/heritage/heritage01.html
So if park is so grand and mighty, then what happened to it? Two words (actually a name): Jim Bakker. In case you have never heard that name, I'll give you his life in a nutshell: televangelist, did shady things, got caught by the IRS, went to jail.
For a great history of this park (along with some wonderful shots of an abandoned park) visit: http://illicitohio.com/SBNO/heritage/heritage01.html
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