Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Can Cell Phone’s Use Hinder God’s Blessings?

I was at a lecture not to long ago listening to a missionary tell his amazing tale of the spiritual presence he felt while living in a remote village in the Southern Philippines. I’m always hearing amazing stories like that from missionaries—from villagers who had dreams in which they saw the exact missionary who would come and save their village to healings of dozens of people from deadly diseases.

On the way home from listening to this missionary, I asked God, “What’s the deal here? I live in America—the strongest, richest, and proudest land of them all. How is it that this powerful nation is not getting the spiritual blessings of other, less fortunate ones?” By the time I was done talking to God, I was pretty ticked. And on top of that a little bit jealous.

Then it hit me. Maybe it was the Holy Spirit or maybe it was just because I have a very gifted mind that’s always coming up with creative fantastical ideas. I’m inclined to believe it’s the latter, but that’s not important. What is important is I discovered a groundbreaking theory of why God does not perform in America these supernatural blessings that poverty-stricken countries get on a regular bases. The reason in two words: cellular phones.

My reason is not ungrounded or uncalled for. I have in fact researched it quite extensively, and in doing so have discovered that this is not a far-fetched idea—it’s a real possibility. Just hear me out.

In case you didn’t know, a cell phone is nothing more then a really smart walkie-talkie and uses the same type of technology found in a household radio. Okay, I know what your thinking, ‘but radios have been around for over a hundred years, so why should we say that cell phones are the reason God’s not answering prayers? Why not radios?’ Well just pipe down for a minute or two so I can tell you.

It used to be cities only had a handful of radio towers. Now there are literally hundreds in larger cities. Because there are so many, radio waves are now everywhere—in fact if you’re reading this outside, there’s probably 16 radio waves going through your head right now (just reflect on that fact for awhile).

While other radio waves have a range of only a few miles at best, cell phones go on forever. Consider this for a moment: most walkie-talkies have one channel to communicate on, a CB radio has about 40, but a cell phone has more than 1,664 channels. That’s a lot of channels in case you’re wondering. In terms of range, a walkie-talkie has a good mile at best, a powerful CB can get maybe five miles, but a cell phone, well to bring in a very old cliché, a cell phones range just keeps going and going and going and going—nothing out lasts the range of a cell phone.
Say your driving in your car talking on a cell phone—what’s basically happening is the radio waves are directed to a cell tower, when you pass that tower the waves are directed to another tower until you hang up the call. This is no big deal until you realize how many other people are talking on their cell phones while you’re talking on yours.So now that you get a feel for how the cell phones are working and all the invisible waves it’s creating let me get to the meat of all this. After detailed analysis of cellular radio waves, I discovered that there is so many radio waves created from cell phones that a giant force field around America and other countries where cellular use is high has been created.

Under this theory, what essentially is happening is prayers are being offered to God, but shortly after ascending from your lips they are blocked from going all the way into heaven where they are processed and reviewed by God for consideration. There are exceptions to this theory of course, as every once and awhile, God does answer prayer in America, but there is a reason for this as well. What happens in these cases is two things: one, the prayer is recited in the night when cell phone use is lower, or two, the prayer is recited in a rural area of the country where there aren’t quite as many cellular users. Even in these cases, there’s not a guarantee that God will be able to answer the prayer recited, because the force field works two ways. What will happen in many cases is when God tries to answer these prayers they are blocked by radio waves before reaching American soil.

There is more to my startling discovery. According to further careful research there was as many as one to two million blessings a month in America before the 1980’s when the first cell phone was just a prototype. This number went down dramatically in the 90’s. Today the odds of getting a prayer through to God are less than 1% depending on where you live and when you pray).

If you are serious about having prayers answered, my research shows the best place to go in America is Iowa, North Dakota, or Montana. The best time to pray is between 1:57am and 3:04am. And never, ever, pray on a night that America Idol is showing on TV—research has led me to believe that only a half of a prayer is answered on these nights, because cell phone use is so high with all the people casting their votes for their favorite idol.

If you are devoted to leading a monastic life of prayer and are now concerned with living in America and are considering leaving the states, then you better keep reading. You might have a few years of prayer life in a third world country, but their time is coming also.

As cellular use continues to grow in remote third world countries, the amount of blessings is decreasing. It is estimated by 2007 God will only be able to perform 167 blessings a year. By 2053 the force field will be so strong that the rapture and apocalypses will have to be postponed while God creates a nuclear device capable of wiping out all cellular use.

So next time you kneel to pray, remember that because of that dumb cell phone in your pocket there’s a chance God will not be able to hear you.

Friday, October 06, 2006

All-Christian Baseball Team

World Series Fever is in the air; it seems appropriate to give my picks for an all-Christian baseball team:

Name: Brain Welch
Off Season Occupation: Former Korn guitarist
Position: First base
Pros: His new faith makes him pure and idealist; has yet to be corrupted by
commercial Christianity.
Con: Still a baby Christian, and might go back to the dark side.
Outlook: He's still a baby Christian and can be easily manipulated to believe steroids are okay as long as you pray before using, which will make him an excellent slugger.

Name: Tim LaHaye
Off Season Occupation: Author turned the punch line of many bad jokes
Position: Second Base
Pros: His freaky face can distract opponents.
Cons: Is upset that he's playing second place, because he thinks this makes him ..2 and not ..1. He hasn't talked to any of the players ever since he was Left Behind at the stadium on accident during their last road trip.
Outlook: Has a natural ability to turn crap into an epic best-selling novel; if he can transform this knowledge into baseball by turning a crappy player into an all-star player, great things will happen.

Name: Scott Stapp
Off Season Occupation: Former lead singer of rock-band Creed turned solo act
Position: Shortstop
Pros: Can belt out power ballads that will lift the team's spirits.
Cons: Kind of an attention hog. Has a tendency to run all the way out to center field, knock over his teammate, and catch the fly ball just so he can hear people cheer his name.
Outlook: Quick on his toes. Unlike many of his teammates he's still young enough to run.

Name: Jerry B. Jenkins
Off Season Occupation: Author
Position: Third Base
Pros: Willing to be someone's bitch if it means having a bestseller.
Cons: He may be a better player, but LaHaye's the name brand. He's bitter about this and it shows in his game.
Outlook: He's out to prove that he's a better player than LaHaye, and it shows. Co-wrote the Orel Hershiser biography, and he tells all the players that Orel gave him 'secret knowledge' about the game.

Name: Jerry Falwell
Off Season Occupation: Pastor
Position: Right field
Pros: Feisty for his age.
Cons: May boycott the team citing...come on people! This is Jerry Falwell! He doesn't need a reason to boycott something.
Outlook: His views are so far out in right field this position seams like a natural fit.

Name: Franklin Graham
Off Season Occupation: Evangelist
Position: Center Field
Pros: Has great genes.
Cons: May get injured by Scott Stapp tackling him to the ground so he can catch the fly ball.
Outlook: If he listens to his dad, he'll have an excellent career. While his dad was a better player back in the day, Junior still has a chance to come into his own.

Name: Robert Schueller
Off Season Occupation: Questionable pastor
Position: Left Field
Pros: Has the bling, bling appeal that every team needs.
Cons: He's a little vague when people ask if he's a Christian. Last guy picked for the team, and it was more of a pity selection. Just because he calls his show 'Hour of Power' doesn't mean he's a power hitter.
Outlook: His leftist viewpoints make him a natural fit for left field. If you pay him enough money, he can do just about anything, and even make you believe it's God's will. Plus the old folks really seem to like him.

Name: Pat Robertson
Off Season Occupation: Nobody's friend
Position: Catcher
Pros: Great trash talker.
Cons: Not exactly a fan favorite, but this could work into a pro, as people will turn up at games just to hear him trash talk the other team. Turns out The 700 club has nothing to do with homeruns or baseball.
Outlook: Will mess with opposing batters minds when they step to plate to bat by telling them they're going to hell, and God isn't on their team's side because they're sinners.

Name: Phillip Yancey
Off Season Occupation: Author
Position: Pitcher
Pros: Can come up with catchy and marketable titles for all of his pitches.
Cons: May be too busy thinking to notice the pop-up that's heading right for him.
Outlook: He thinks before he speaks, and uses this same philosophy when he pitches. Every pitch has a certain meaning to the cosmos of the world.

Name: Billy Graham
Off Season Occupation: Evangelist
Position: Designated Hitter
Pros: Has had his share of Grand Slam moments. Has plenty of wisdom to pass along.
Cons: Age
Outlook: While Graham may be too old to play any defensive positions, he still throws a good offensive punch, and has more spirit than the entire team combined. He'll work well as a role model for the team.

Name: Rick Warren
Off Season Occupation: Mega-church pastor turned best-selling author
Position: Coach
Pros: The Hawaiian themed uniforms he chose will really boost morale.
Cons: May be too busy finding his purpose to help the team find there's.
Outlook: Great motivational talker. Can make the team believe they actually are good, and that they have a real purpose on the team.

Name: Kirk Cameron
Off Season Occupation: Actor...if you can call that acting
Position: Cheerleader
Pros: Doesn't have a problem being the underdog.
Cons: The guy actually thinks "Left Behind: The Movie" had a great script.
Outlook: This guy has horrible taste, and will have no problem believing that a bad team is actually good. If he can get back that bad boy image he had during the early seasons of Growing Pains (the ones with his lovable friend Bonner), and not the later seasons were he was suddenly the good boy, then his natural cheerleading abilities really have a chance of sexing upthe team.

Name: George W. Bush, Jr.
Off Season Occupation: President
Position: Umpire
Pros: You don't have to actually score more points to win the game when he's the ump.
Cons: Frisking players as they come to bat to check for weapons of mass destruction gets a little annoying, and really slows down the pace of the game. The secret service agents can really get in the way.
Outlook: Will certainly side with the Christians on certain 'questionable' plays.

Monday, October 02, 2006

satan’s “Out of office” auto-email reply

I am currently out of the office. I am attending the Touch by An Angel fan convention that’s being held in Colorado Springs. For urgent matters (urgent matters include, but are not limited to: you can’t get the thermostat to properly heat the deepest layer of hell, Jim Morrison keeps asking all the new occupants if he can light their fire, Mark Twain claims to have found a loophole to get into heaven, or the cable went out) you can reach me at the Hilton, room 667 (apparently, room 666 is always reserve for Paris Hilton)

I will be checking my email between the hours of 3:22am and 3:27am, but will only reply to those emails that warrant urgency as defined in the paragraph above. Also, the system administrator has informed me that he will be performing a routine system update between the hours of 3:00am and 4:00am., and Internet access will not be available during this time.

Should my monthly copy of “Good Housekeeping” arrive early, kindly text message me the recipe for bread pudding, which the editor has informed me will appear in this months issue.

If there are any inquiries about upcoming The Concert for J.D. Salinger inform them that an email was sent out last week regarding its cancellation due to the fact that he has once more managed to escape death.

There’s a rumor floating around that Michael Moore is trying to sneak into hell to film an expose on life in hell. Do not talk to him; do not let others talk to him; do not let him film any areas of hell. Politely inform him that his time is coming, and I’ll be the first person he’ll get to interview after his initial scourging and mutilation.

Please refer all publicity matters to my agent at ICM.

Upon my return to hell, we will be having our weekly staff meeting. If you have anything you’d like to add to the agenda, please get it into my secretary tomorrow. Dr. Sigmund Freud will be discussing how MySpace.com is corrupting our children, and why, in his opinion, it should be blocked on all computers in hell; please be prepared to discuss his recommendation.

In my absent, Hunter S. Thompson will be performing all torturing of souls. Be kind to him, as this is his first time. I look forward to torturing each personally upon my return.

The Prince of Darkness