I am currently out of the office. I am attending the Touch by An Angel fan convention that’s being held in Colorado Springs. For urgent matters (urgent matters include, but are not limited to: you can’t get the thermostat to properly heat the deepest layer of hell, Jim Morrison keeps asking all the new occupants if he can light their fire, Mark Twain claims to have found a loophole to get into heaven, or the cable went out) you can reach me at the Hilton, room 667 (apparently, room 666 is always reserve for Paris Hilton)
I will be checking my email between the hours of 3:22am and 3:27am, but will only reply to those emails that warrant urgency as defined in the paragraph above. Also, the system administrator has informed me that he will be performing a routine system update between the hours of 3:00am and 4:00am., and Internet access will not be available during this time.
Should my monthly copy of “Good Housekeeping” arrive early, kindly text message me the recipe for bread pudding, which the editor has informed me will appear in this months issue.
If there are any inquiries about upcoming The Concert for J.D. Salinger inform them that an email was sent out last week regarding its cancellation due to the fact that he has once more managed to escape death.
There’s a rumor floating around that Michael Moore is trying to sneak into hell to film an expose on life in hell. Do not talk to him; do not let others talk to him; do not let him film any areas of hell. Politely inform him that his time is coming, and I’ll be the first person he’ll get to interview after his initial scourging and mutilation.
Please refer all publicity matters to my agent at ICM.
Upon my return to hell, we will be having our weekly staff meeting. If you have anything you’d like to add to the agenda, please get it into my secretary tomorrow. Dr. Sigmund Freud will be discussing how MySpace.com is corrupting our children, and why, in his opinion, it should be blocked on all computers in hell; please be prepared to discuss his recommendation.
In my absent, Hunter S. Thompson will be performing all torturing of souls. Be kind to him, as this is his first time. I look forward to torturing each personally upon my return.
The Prince of Darkness