I was at a lecture not to long ago listening to a missionary tell his amazing tale of the spiritual presence he felt while living in a remote village in the Southern Philippines. I’m always hearing amazing stories like that from missionaries—from villagers who had dreams in which they saw the exact missionary who would come and save their village to healings of dozens of people from deadly diseases.
On the way home from listening to this missionary, I asked God, “What’s the deal here? I live in America—the strongest, richest, and proudest land of them all. How is it that this powerful nation is not getting the spiritual blessings of other, less fortunate ones?” By the time I was done talking to God, I was pretty ticked. And on top of that a little bit jealous.
Then it hit me. Maybe it was the Holy Spirit or maybe it was just because I have a very gifted mind that’s always coming up with creative fantastical ideas. I’m inclined to believe it’s the latter, but that’s not important. What is important is I discovered a groundbreaking theory of why God does not perform in America these supernatural blessings that poverty-stricken countries get on a regular bases. The reason in two words: cellular phones.
My reason is not ungrounded or uncalled for. I have in fact researched it quite extensively, and in doing so have discovered that this is not a far-fetched idea—it’s a real possibility. Just hear me out.
In case you didn’t know, a cell phone is nothing more then a really smart walkie-talkie and uses the same type of technology found in a household radio. Okay, I know what your thinking, ‘but radios have been around for over a hundred years, so why should we say that cell phones are the reason God’s not answering prayers? Why not radios?’ Well just pipe down for a minute or two so I can tell you.
It used to be cities only had a handful of radio towers. Now there are literally hundreds in larger cities. Because there are so many, radio waves are now everywhere—in fact if you’re reading this outside, there’s probably 16 radio waves going through your head right now (just reflect on that fact for awhile).
While other radio waves have a range of only a few miles at best, cell phones go on forever. Consider this for a moment: most walkie-talkies have one channel to communicate on, a CB radio has about 40, but a cell phone has more than 1,664 channels. That’s a lot of channels in case you’re wondering. In terms of range, a walkie-talkie has a good mile at best, a powerful CB can get maybe five miles, but a cell phone, well to bring in a very old cliché, a cell phones range just keeps going and going and going and going—nothing out lasts the range of a cell phone.
Say your driving in your car talking on a cell phone—what’s basically happening is the radio waves are directed to a cell tower, when you pass that tower the waves are directed to another tower until you hang up the call. This is no big deal until you realize how many other people are talking on their cell phones while you’re talking on yours.So now that you get a feel for how the cell phones are working and all the invisible waves it’s creating let me get to the meat of all this. After detailed analysis of cellular radio waves, I discovered that there is so many radio waves created from cell phones that a giant force field around America and other countries where cellular use is high has been created.
Under this theory, what essentially is happening is prayers are being offered to God, but shortly after ascending from your lips they are blocked from going all the way into heaven where they are processed and reviewed by God for consideration. There are exceptions to this theory of course, as every once and awhile, God does answer prayer in America, but there is a reason for this as well. What happens in these cases is two things: one, the prayer is recited in the night when cell phone use is lower, or two, the prayer is recited in a rural area of the country where there aren’t quite as many cellular users. Even in these cases, there’s not a guarantee that God will be able to answer the prayer recited, because the force field works two ways. What will happen in many cases is when God tries to answer these prayers they are blocked by radio waves before reaching American soil.
There is more to my startling discovery. According to further careful research there was as many as one to two million blessings a month in America before the 1980’s when the first cell phone was just a prototype. This number went down dramatically in the 90’s. Today the odds of getting a prayer through to God are less than 1% depending on where you live and when you pray).
If you are serious about having prayers answered, my research shows the best place to go in America is Iowa, North Dakota, or Montana. The best time to pray is between 1:57am and 3:04am. And never, ever, pray on a night that America Idol is showing on TV—research has led me to believe that only a half of a prayer is answered on these nights, because cell phone use is so high with all the people casting their votes for their favorite idol.
If you are devoted to leading a monastic life of prayer and are now concerned with living in America and are considering leaving the states, then you better keep reading. You might have a few years of prayer life in a third world country, but their time is coming also.
As cellular use continues to grow in remote third world countries, the amount of blessings is decreasing. It is estimated by 2007 God will only be able to perform 167 blessings a year. By 2053 the force field will be so strong that the rapture and apocalypses will have to be postponed while God creates a nuclear device capable of wiping out all cellular use.
So next time you kneel to pray, remember that because of that dumb cell phone in your pocket there’s a chance God will not be able to hear you.