Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Pat Robertson’s The Third Testament: An Interview

What can you tell us about the NIRP Bible, which you have commissioned?
NIRP stands for my name, The New International Pat Robertson Bible. Basically, I thought it up while staring at a copy of the King James Version of the Bible. I always figured that it was some sort of witchcraft book, and I never opened. One day I asked my wife, why we had a witchy book in our library. She explained how King James was a king and he hired a bunch of people to write a new version of the Bible and put his name on it. So I says to her, I says, “I should do that. So that’s what I did.”

Why your name in title?
Because I’m the one who has commissioned it. It just seemed like the proper thing to do. I didn’t want my name on it.

Who will edit the new Bible?
Really smart people. People with all kinds of fancy degrees from fancy schools. People like my good friend Billy Graham. People like my good friend Tim LaHaye. People like my good friend Rick Warren.

Are you saying ‘people like them’ will edit the book or are you saying those are the people who will actually write the book are those people?
People like them. If I had those actual people working on it, then I think we’d all be fighting for power.

Why do we need a new translation of the Bible? There are so many already?
All those other translation didn’t account for the War on Terror that we’ve been facing all these years. We need a translation that understands the needs of America. A Biblical work that gets down and holy about what to do about terrorism.

What’s in the Bible that you can use to emphasize terrorism?
That’s were my esteemed editors will work on. They are coming up with a third testament.

A Third Testament?
Exactly. It’s been years since we have had a new addition to the Bible. In fact hundreds of years. Hundreds of years and no one has written a new testament to account for those years. I think it’s about time.

Exactly will be in this Third Testament? Letters, Gospels?
Letters? Gospels? Heavens no. What do those have to do with terrorism? It’s going to be full of apocryphal work—stuff on the end times. White horses. Demons. The antichrist. Exciting stuff!

Why?
The Bible is a good book, but it’s a horrible script for a movie. It’s so long. How do you make a movie out of it? Sure you can break it up, but people just don’t go for epics anymore. They want one movie. The Third Testament could easily be turned into one movie. And it has plenty of action, special effects, and a ‘terrorist are bad’ kind of message.

If there’s a movie, who would you like to direct?
I like Steven Spielberg. Did you see E.T.? Great stuff.

Steven Spielberg is Jewish.
What do I look like? Hitler? I like Jews. Jews are nice people—quote me on that. I have nothing against them making movies.

I’m sure you don’t, but why would a Jew want to make a movie about something that more relates to Christians?
Who said anything about the Third Testament being a Christian work.

I guess I just sort of assumed.
People are always twisting my words like that. I talk very simple so people will understand. I guess no one talks simpleton anymore. Like that whole Katrina mess. Everyone quoted me as saying something like, “All those Katrina folks deserved what they got because New Orleans is such a sinful place to live.”

So that’s not what you said?
It was only part of it. After I said, “All those Katrina folks deserved what they got because New Orleans is such a sinful place to live,” I said, “But it’s not to late to repent so you don’t have to burn in hell like your dead relatives who died in the hurricane.”

So if the Third Testament isn’t Christian, then what is it?
Hin-Ju-Mus-Hristian

Hin-Ju-Mus-Hristian?
That’s all the religions, right?

All the major ones.
Good.

Does this mean your abandoning your conservative faith for a more universal one? Something that pleases all the religions?
Absolutely not. I just want to leave a legacy. Something that will make people forget about all the other things I did. I mean who remembers all the bad things King James did? All they remember is the Bible named after him. That’s what I want.

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