Friday, October 06, 2006

All-Christian Baseball Team

World Series Fever is in the air; it seems appropriate to give my picks for an all-Christian baseball team:

Name: Brain Welch
Off Season Occupation: Former Korn guitarist
Position: First base
Pros: His new faith makes him pure and idealist; has yet to be corrupted by
commercial Christianity.
Con: Still a baby Christian, and might go back to the dark side.
Outlook: He's still a baby Christian and can be easily manipulated to believe steroids are okay as long as you pray before using, which will make him an excellent slugger.

Name: Tim LaHaye
Off Season Occupation: Author turned the punch line of many bad jokes
Position: Second Base
Pros: His freaky face can distract opponents.
Cons: Is upset that he's playing second place, because he thinks this makes him ..2 and not ..1. He hasn't talked to any of the players ever since he was Left Behind at the stadium on accident during their last road trip.
Outlook: Has a natural ability to turn crap into an epic best-selling novel; if he can transform this knowledge into baseball by turning a crappy player into an all-star player, great things will happen.

Name: Scott Stapp
Off Season Occupation: Former lead singer of rock-band Creed turned solo act
Position: Shortstop
Pros: Can belt out power ballads that will lift the team's spirits.
Cons: Kind of an attention hog. Has a tendency to run all the way out to center field, knock over his teammate, and catch the fly ball just so he can hear people cheer his name.
Outlook: Quick on his toes. Unlike many of his teammates he's still young enough to run.

Name: Jerry B. Jenkins
Off Season Occupation: Author
Position: Third Base
Pros: Willing to be someone's bitch if it means having a bestseller.
Cons: He may be a better player, but LaHaye's the name brand. He's bitter about this and it shows in his game.
Outlook: He's out to prove that he's a better player than LaHaye, and it shows. Co-wrote the Orel Hershiser biography, and he tells all the players that Orel gave him 'secret knowledge' about the game.

Name: Jerry Falwell
Off Season Occupation: Pastor
Position: Right field
Pros: Feisty for his age.
Cons: May boycott the team citing...come on people! This is Jerry Falwell! He doesn't need a reason to boycott something.
Outlook: His views are so far out in right field this position seams like a natural fit.

Name: Franklin Graham
Off Season Occupation: Evangelist
Position: Center Field
Pros: Has great genes.
Cons: May get injured by Scott Stapp tackling him to the ground so he can catch the fly ball.
Outlook: If he listens to his dad, he'll have an excellent career. While his dad was a better player back in the day, Junior still has a chance to come into his own.

Name: Robert Schueller
Off Season Occupation: Questionable pastor
Position: Left Field
Pros: Has the bling, bling appeal that every team needs.
Cons: He's a little vague when people ask if he's a Christian. Last guy picked for the team, and it was more of a pity selection. Just because he calls his show 'Hour of Power' doesn't mean he's a power hitter.
Outlook: His leftist viewpoints make him a natural fit for left field. If you pay him enough money, he can do just about anything, and even make you believe it's God's will. Plus the old folks really seem to like him.

Name: Pat Robertson
Off Season Occupation: Nobody's friend
Position: Catcher
Pros: Great trash talker.
Cons: Not exactly a fan favorite, but this could work into a pro, as people will turn up at games just to hear him trash talk the other team. Turns out The 700 club has nothing to do with homeruns or baseball.
Outlook: Will mess with opposing batters minds when they step to plate to bat by telling them they're going to hell, and God isn't on their team's side because they're sinners.

Name: Phillip Yancey
Off Season Occupation: Author
Position: Pitcher
Pros: Can come up with catchy and marketable titles for all of his pitches.
Cons: May be too busy thinking to notice the pop-up that's heading right for him.
Outlook: He thinks before he speaks, and uses this same philosophy when he pitches. Every pitch has a certain meaning to the cosmos of the world.

Name: Billy Graham
Off Season Occupation: Evangelist
Position: Designated Hitter
Pros: Has had his share of Grand Slam moments. Has plenty of wisdom to pass along.
Cons: Age
Outlook: While Graham may be too old to play any defensive positions, he still throws a good offensive punch, and has more spirit than the entire team combined. He'll work well as a role model for the team.

Name: Rick Warren
Off Season Occupation: Mega-church pastor turned best-selling author
Position: Coach
Pros: The Hawaiian themed uniforms he chose will really boost morale.
Cons: May be too busy finding his purpose to help the team find there's.
Outlook: Great motivational talker. Can make the team believe they actually are good, and that they have a real purpose on the team.

Name: Kirk Cameron
Off Season Occupation: Actor...if you can call that acting
Position: Cheerleader
Pros: Doesn't have a problem being the underdog.
Cons: The guy actually thinks "Left Behind: The Movie" had a great script.
Outlook: This guy has horrible taste, and will have no problem believing that a bad team is actually good. If he can get back that bad boy image he had during the early seasons of Growing Pains (the ones with his lovable friend Bonner), and not the later seasons were he was suddenly the good boy, then his natural cheerleading abilities really have a chance of sexing upthe team.

Name: George W. Bush, Jr.
Off Season Occupation: President
Position: Umpire
Pros: You don't have to actually score more points to win the game when he's the ump.
Cons: Frisking players as they come to bat to check for weapons of mass destruction gets a little annoying, and really slows down the pace of the game. The secret service agents can really get in the way.
Outlook: Will certainly side with the Christians on certain 'questionable' plays.

1 comment:

Phil said...

Nice post.
I found it while searching for "Baseball players with names from the Bible"

I'd like to expand my roster beyond the following names:
Jesus Alou
Moises Alou
Babe Ruth
Hank Aaron
Mike Mordecai