The Lost Headlines of the Spin off National Enquirer Publication: The Christian Enquirer

Chariot of Fire used for Elijah Found on the Moon
The chariot of fire which, according to 2 Kings 2:11, took Elijah into heaven has been found on the moon. The chariot was found five feet in the ground, right underneath a World War II bomber. NASA quickly denied any rumors that Elijah was the mysterious man in the moon or that heaven was the moon. Biblical scholars believe that the chariot to heaven and then was flung into the moon. NASA who has been secretly going to the moon for twenty years with the Russians, dug up the chariot early this year, but have kept it quiet until now.

Man Dies After Discovering the Sin Unto Death
A Virginian man died last month after he, as authorities have now discovered, "committed the sin unto death." The sin, which is mentioned but not explained in 1 John 5:16, has been a mystery to scholars for thousands of years. The man, William Crawford of Claremont, was a self-proclaimed Biblical scholar who had told a friend the night before that he intended to find out what the sin that led to death was. Authorities concluded that the man had died of the sin that leads to death, after finding several of the man's fragmented notes. Crawford died before he was able to write down his findings, and it hence remains a mystery what the sin is.

Baby Born With Tattoo of Stephen
A baby was born an India last week with a tattoo on his right butt cheek that illustrates the stoning of Stephen. Doctors were baffled by the tattoos and do not know how it was possible for the tattoo got there. The parents, both Hindu's, did not know what the tattoo was of until a missionary doctor said, 'hey, that sure looks like the stoning of Stephen.' The parents, when asked what they thought of the tattoo, say it's "bad karma."

Satan Sells His Soul to Devil
Satan, who has had a run of bad luck in recent years, has been forced into selling his soul to the Devil to repay unpaid incurred dept acquired on bad business ventures. Satan, in a statement to the associated press, said that "he didn't use it anyway." Sources close to the fallen angel say he had been considering the move ever sense he produced the mega box office bomb Glitter and Gigli. Accountants say the move should help get Satan back on his feet and profitable by years end.

Elvis's Corpse Found in Noah's Ark
Experts say the remains of a man inside a large ark now being called Noah's Ark, are that of Elvis Presley. It is not known how Elvis got to the Ark, but experts believe that Elvis always had a desire to research Biblical archeology, but he knew he could never pursue this dream with so many fans distracting him, so he faked his own death. Noah's Ark is the greatest known discovery of the late legend. Authorities now believe it was also Presley who discovered The Dead Sea Scrolls to which it is believed inspired several of his songs (including Pink Cadillac).

2-Year-Old Preaches First Sermon
Tommy Tucker, a two-year-old, who only recently learned how to speak, preached his first sermon to a crowd of three hundred on Sunday. The boy, who says he is still decided what denomination of Protestantism that he identifies with, preached a sermon on loving the children. While the child is the youngest to preach a sermon in the history of Christianity, he says he still hasn't decided if this is his chosen career path; last week he wanted to be a fireman, this week he wanted to be a dog. The proud parents of the boy say he's wanted to preach since he was a child.

Organization Sends Missionaries to the Mars
After a report that there may be life on the Mars, organizers for several mission agencies have decided that they would have missionaries on Mars by 2015. The missionaries, now being hailed misstronauts, will be selected based on their desire to translate the Bible to aliens and ability their to fly a space shuttle. Once on the red planet, missionaries will have to determine what species should get to here the gospel; many conservative scholars believe the gospel was only intended for human life forms, while many conservative critics have argued that the gospel is for all species—including parasitic life. A separate missions agency, Operation Galaxy Quest, began earlier this year claiming to be the only first extraterrestrial missions agency in existence.

Prostitute to Have Virgin Child
God has immaculately impregnated an Asian hooker known to clients as, "The Sunset Whore." The woman who goes by the name Star says God impregnated her in a gutter while she was recovering from a hangover. She says she will name the child Momo-Tick-Tock, which she says is street talk for, "God be playing games with me." Star's Sugar Daddy claims she has not been with a man in over a month, and that her claims are real; despite the holiness of the child, he is encouraging her to abort the baby or risk losing her job. Friends of the woman were not surprised by the announcement because she's, "a good girl—very spiritual outside the bedroom."

86 Year-Old-Man Excretes Scroll
An 86-year-old Kansas farmer excreted the remains of ancient scroll at his ranch last month. The remains, known as the "smelly scroll," contain what Jews and Christians both consider apocryphal text of the New Testament. The man's claims that all he had for breakfast was ham and eggs. The scroll will be on display at museums early next year.