Thursday, November 22, 2007

Pirate's of the Caribbean Commentary Track, with Jerry Falwell, Tim LaHaye, and Pat Robertson

Originally published in the September/October 2005 (Issue #201) of The Wittenburg Door (

FALWELL: Cool beans! Fog. That's a creepy way to start a movie.

LAHAYE: It's very end times-ish. Not bad for a secular film.

ROBERTSON: I heard that one of the assistants to the Director of Photography was a Christian.

FALWELL: That sounds like gossip.

LAHAYE: I agree with Jer on that one ... we better stick to facts.

ROBERTSON: (Snickers) Oh, like you stuck with "the facts" in the Left Behind books...

FALWELL: That song she's singing is very enchanting.

ROBERTSON: I think it's too scary for children under 12. Teens could handle it though—if they're with their parents, of course.

FALWELL: Of course.

ROBERTSON: I never let my children listen to songs with words. Except for John Denver.

FALWELL: John Denver was a very good singer. Of course, he's burning in hell.

LAHAYE: Of course.

ROBERTSON: You know I'm not too sure about this film. It almost seems like that girl is thinking positively about pirates.

LAHAYE: Kids are so wicked today. It's a sign that the end is near.

FALWELL: If it wasn't for those queer little Teletubbies, our kids would be a lot better off.

ROBERTSON: Oh brother—here comes another one of Jer's Telly rants.

LAHAYE: Both of you shut your traps and let's watch the movie.

FALWELL: I'm just saying that kids were a lot less wicked when we didn't have those freaky little puppet fags singing to them.

LAHAYE: And I say drop it. Let's watch the movie.

ROBERTSON: Oh my—now that's definitely not good!

LAHAYE: What? What'd I miss? Darn it Falwell, you made me miss something.

ROBERTSON: That girl—the one that acts like a demon—she just stole the demon necklace that guy was wearing that they pulled out of the water.

FALWELL: They pulled someone from the water?

ROBERTSON: For Pete's sake Jer, keep up—you're so impossible to watch a movie with!

LAHAYE: She definitely stole it all right. Stealing is so wrong. A lot of people don't know that it is, but it is.

FALWELL: This movie reminds me of The Shaggy Dog.

ROBERTSON: The Shaggy Dog?!

FALWELL: You know about the girl who goes to Vegas and becomes a stripper?

LAHAYE: Showgirls?

FALWELL: That's the one. I thought it was The Shaggy Dog.

ROBERTSON: You saw Showgirls?

FALWELL: I had to be able to tell my congregation why it was evil to see it.

LAHAYE: Why didn't you just say it was a porno?

FALWELL: I guess I just didn't.

LAHAYE: Oh no, this looks scandalous. That girl's in bed.

ROBERTSON: Relax, she's fully covered.

LAHAYE: Well, I hardly think we should be imagining any girl but our wives in pajamas.

FALWELL: He's got you there, Patty-boy.

ROBERTSON: I'm not even listening to you. I can't believe you saw Showgirls.

LAHAYE: You know, the girl's dad is wearing a really nice wig.

FALWELL: I had a wig like that once. I read a passage in the Bible that I misinterpreted as saying only bald men will go to heaven, so I cut off all my hair. Then I wore that kind of wig when I figured out that hair was okay with God.

LAHAYE: I can't believe they're showing the girl putting on her dress. Scandalous!

FALWELL: It looks innocent to me.

ROBERTSON: Compared to Showgirls I'm sure it is.

LAHAYE: I suppose since they're not showing anything it's okay for married couples to see. It's better than her prancing around in those pajamas.

ROBERTSON: And it is one of those nice Victorian dresses.

FALWELL: I sure wish women still wore those.

LAHAYE: Now they walk around half-naked in their tight jeans and loose fitting t-shirts. It's a sign of the end. Not that I look at them, of course.

FALWELL : (Giggles) Of course.

ROBERTSON: My son told me a lot of this movie is taken straight from the ride. I'm not seeing it, though.

FALWELL: Ride? There's a ride about this?

LAHAYE: At Disneyland—surely even you must have known.

FALWELL: Disneyland? Do you mean to say that this is a Disney movie?

ROBERTSON: Didn't you see the logo at the start of the movie?

FALWELL: I was making the popcorn. Why didn't you tell me? I can't watch this. I'm supposed to be boycotting Disney movies.

LAHAYE: Roberston and I were talking about that while you were popping the kernels. We thought you lifted the boycott to focus more attention on homosexual awareness of Spongebob.

FALWELL: I did no such thing, and I can watch no more of this.

ROBERTSON: Hey Timmy, ain't that the elf guy from Lord of the Rings?

LAHAYE: Like I'd know. That movie was based on a book by a Catholic.

ROBERTSON: A Catholic? I didn't know that.

LAHAYE: How could you not? All fantasy books are written by either Catholics or witches.

ROBERTSON: He's carrying a sword—this must be why it got the PG-13 rating.

LAHAYE: PG-13? I can only watch G or PG.

ROBERTSON: Wasn't Left Behind: The Movie PG-13?

LAHAYE: I watched the censored version.

ROBERTSON: Well, how about if I just tell you to close your eyes during the bad parts?

LAHAYE: I still have ears.

ROBERTSON: How about you cover your eyes, and I'll cover your ears.

LAHAYE: And what if the world ends while you're doing this? God might mistake that as some kind of homosexual ritual and send us both to hell.

ROBERTSON: Point taken. I'll tell you how the rest of the movie turns out.

LAHAYE: I wish I could have at least seen a few pirates.

ROBERTSON: There's pirates in this movie?

LAHAYE: That's what the title says.

ROBERTSON: I'll have no part in that. Pirates are sinners!

LAHAYE: Arrgh, matey! (Snickers.)

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