This isn't exactly weird news, but it is interesting news (if you like puns you may even say it's Good News). Follow the link below for an oldie, but goodie, about how the Bible business works, and why publishers can't get enough of it.
http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/12/18/061218fa_fact1
Friday, November 30, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Christi-ana-Meter
Holy
Colorado Springs As the Conservative Hot Spot
SpongeBob – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
Born Again Virgin
Sermons On the End Times
Back of the Church
Orange County As the Conservative Hot Spot
TeleTubbies – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
No Sex Before Marriage
Sermons On the End Times
Tar & Feather
London As the Conservative Hot Spot
Barney – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
No Kissing Before Marriage
Sermons On the End Times
Colorado Springs As the Conservative Hot Spot
SpongeBob – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
Born Again Virgin
Sermons On the End Times
Back of the Church
Orange County As the Conservative Hot Spot
TeleTubbies – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
No Sex Before Marriage
Sermons On the End Times
Tar & Feather
London As the Conservative Hot Spot
Barney – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
No Kissing Before Marriage
Sermons On the End Times
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Pirate's of the Caribbean Commentary Track, with Jerry Falwell, Tim LaHaye, and Pat Robertson
Originally published in the September/October 2005 (Issue #201) of The Wittenburg Door (http://archives.wittenburgdoor.com/archives/pirates.html)
FALWELL: Cool beans! Fog. That's a creepy way to start a movie.
LAHAYE: It's very end times-ish. Not bad for a secular film.
ROBERTSON: I heard that one of the assistants to the Director of Photography was a Christian.
FALWELL: That sounds like gossip.
LAHAYE: I agree with Jer on that one ... we better stick to facts.
ROBERTSON: (Snickers) Oh, like you stuck with "the facts" in the Left Behind books...
FALWELL: That song she's singing is very enchanting.
ROBERTSON: I think it's too scary for children under 12. Teens could handle it though—if they're with their parents, of course.
FALWELL: Of course.
ROBERTSON: I never let my children listen to songs with words. Except for John Denver.
FALWELL: John Denver was a very good singer. Of course, he's burning in hell.
LAHAYE: Of course.
ROBERTSON: You know I'm not too sure about this film. It almost seems like that girl is thinking positively about pirates.
LAHAYE: Kids are so wicked today. It's a sign that the end is near.
FALWELL: If it wasn't for those queer little Teletubbies, our kids would be a lot better off.
ROBERTSON: Oh brother—here comes another one of Jer's Telly rants.
LAHAYE: Both of you shut your traps and let's watch the movie.
FALWELL: I'm just saying that kids were a lot less wicked when we didn't have those freaky little puppet fags singing to them.
LAHAYE: And I say drop it. Let's watch the movie.
ROBERTSON: Oh my—now that's definitely not good!
LAHAYE: What? What'd I miss? Darn it Falwell, you made me miss something.
ROBERTSON: That girl—the one that acts like a demon—she just stole the demon necklace that guy was wearing that they pulled out of the water.
FALWELL: They pulled someone from the water?
ROBERTSON: For Pete's sake Jer, keep up—you're so impossible to watch a movie with!
LAHAYE: She definitely stole it all right. Stealing is so wrong. A lot of people don't know that it is, but it is.
FALWELL: This movie reminds me of The Shaggy Dog.
ROBERTSON: The Shaggy Dog?!
FALWELL: You know about the girl who goes to Vegas and becomes a stripper?
LAHAYE: Showgirls?
FALWELL: That's the one. I thought it was The Shaggy Dog.
ROBERTSON: You saw Showgirls?
FALWELL: I had to be able to tell my congregation why it was evil to see it.
LAHAYE: Why didn't you just say it was a porno?
FALWELL: I guess I just didn't.
LAHAYE: Oh no, this looks scandalous. That girl's in bed.
ROBERTSON: Relax, she's fully covered.
LAHAYE: Well, I hardly think we should be imagining any girl but our wives in pajamas.
FALWELL: He's got you there, Patty-boy.
ROBERTSON: I'm not even listening to you. I can't believe you saw Showgirls.
LAHAYE: You know, the girl's dad is wearing a really nice wig.
FALWELL: I had a wig like that once. I read a passage in the Bible that I misinterpreted as saying only bald men will go to heaven, so I cut off all my hair. Then I wore that kind of wig when I figured out that hair was okay with God.
LAHAYE: I can't believe they're showing the girl putting on her dress. Scandalous!
FALWELL: It looks innocent to me.
ROBERTSON: Compared to Showgirls I'm sure it is.
LAHAYE: I suppose since they're not showing anything it's okay for married couples to see. It's better than her prancing around in those pajamas.
ROBERTSON: And it is one of those nice Victorian dresses.
FALWELL: I sure wish women still wore those.
LAHAYE: Now they walk around half-naked in their tight jeans and loose fitting t-shirts. It's a sign of the end. Not that I look at them, of course.
FALWELL : (Giggles) Of course.
ROBERTSON: My son told me a lot of this movie is taken straight from the ride. I'm not seeing it, though.
FALWELL: Ride? There's a ride about this?
LAHAYE: At Disneyland—surely even you must have known.
FALWELL: Disneyland? Do you mean to say that this is a Disney movie?
ROBERTSON: Didn't you see the logo at the start of the movie?
FALWELL: I was making the popcorn. Why didn't you tell me? I can't watch this. I'm supposed to be boycotting Disney movies.
LAHAYE: Roberston and I were talking about that while you were popping the kernels. We thought you lifted the boycott to focus more attention on homosexual awareness of Spongebob.
FALWELL: I did no such thing, and I can watch no more of this.
ROBERTSON: Hey Timmy, ain't that the elf guy from Lord of the Rings?
LAHAYE: Like I'd know. That movie was based on a book by a Catholic.
ROBERTSON: A Catholic? I didn't know that.
LAHAYE: How could you not? All fantasy books are written by either Catholics or witches.
ROBERTSON: He's carrying a sword—this must be why it got the PG-13 rating.
LAHAYE: PG-13? I can only watch G or PG.
ROBERTSON: Wasn't Left Behind: The Movie PG-13?
LAHAYE: I watched the censored version.
ROBERTSON: Well, how about if I just tell you to close your eyes during the bad parts?
LAHAYE: I still have ears.
ROBERTSON: How about you cover your eyes, and I'll cover your ears.
LAHAYE: And what if the world ends while you're doing this? God might mistake that as some kind of homosexual ritual and send us both to hell.
ROBERTSON: Point taken. I'll tell you how the rest of the movie turns out.
LAHAYE: I wish I could have at least seen a few pirates.
ROBERTSON: There's pirates in this movie?
LAHAYE: That's what the title says.
ROBERTSON: I'll have no part in that. Pirates are sinners!
LAHAYE: Arrgh, matey! (Snickers.)
FALWELL: Cool beans! Fog. That's a creepy way to start a movie.
LAHAYE: It's very end times-ish. Not bad for a secular film.
ROBERTSON: I heard that one of the assistants to the Director of Photography was a Christian.
FALWELL: That sounds like gossip.
LAHAYE: I agree with Jer on that one ... we better stick to facts.
ROBERTSON: (Snickers) Oh, like you stuck with "the facts" in the Left Behind books...
FALWELL: That song she's singing is very enchanting.
ROBERTSON: I think it's too scary for children under 12. Teens could handle it though—if they're with their parents, of course.
FALWELL: Of course.
ROBERTSON: I never let my children listen to songs with words. Except for John Denver.
FALWELL: John Denver was a very good singer. Of course, he's burning in hell.
LAHAYE: Of course.
ROBERTSON: You know I'm not too sure about this film. It almost seems like that girl is thinking positively about pirates.
LAHAYE: Kids are so wicked today. It's a sign that the end is near.
FALWELL: If it wasn't for those queer little Teletubbies, our kids would be a lot better off.
ROBERTSON: Oh brother—here comes another one of Jer's Telly rants.
LAHAYE: Both of you shut your traps and let's watch the movie.
FALWELL: I'm just saying that kids were a lot less wicked when we didn't have those freaky little puppet fags singing to them.
LAHAYE: And I say drop it. Let's watch the movie.
ROBERTSON: Oh my—now that's definitely not good!
LAHAYE: What? What'd I miss? Darn it Falwell, you made me miss something.
ROBERTSON: That girl—the one that acts like a demon—she just stole the demon necklace that guy was wearing that they pulled out of the water.
FALWELL: They pulled someone from the water?
ROBERTSON: For Pete's sake Jer, keep up—you're so impossible to watch a movie with!
LAHAYE: She definitely stole it all right. Stealing is so wrong. A lot of people don't know that it is, but it is.
FALWELL: This movie reminds me of The Shaggy Dog.
ROBERTSON: The Shaggy Dog?!
FALWELL: You know about the girl who goes to Vegas and becomes a stripper?
LAHAYE: Showgirls?
FALWELL: That's the one. I thought it was The Shaggy Dog.
ROBERTSON: You saw Showgirls?
FALWELL: I had to be able to tell my congregation why it was evil to see it.
LAHAYE: Why didn't you just say it was a porno?
FALWELL: I guess I just didn't.
LAHAYE: Oh no, this looks scandalous. That girl's in bed.
ROBERTSON: Relax, she's fully covered.
LAHAYE: Well, I hardly think we should be imagining any girl but our wives in pajamas.
FALWELL: He's got you there, Patty-boy.
ROBERTSON: I'm not even listening to you. I can't believe you saw Showgirls.
LAHAYE: You know, the girl's dad is wearing a really nice wig.
FALWELL: I had a wig like that once. I read a passage in the Bible that I misinterpreted as saying only bald men will go to heaven, so I cut off all my hair. Then I wore that kind of wig when I figured out that hair was okay with God.
LAHAYE: I can't believe they're showing the girl putting on her dress. Scandalous!
FALWELL: It looks innocent to me.
ROBERTSON: Compared to Showgirls I'm sure it is.
LAHAYE: I suppose since they're not showing anything it's okay for married couples to see. It's better than her prancing around in those pajamas.
ROBERTSON: And it is one of those nice Victorian dresses.
FALWELL: I sure wish women still wore those.
LAHAYE: Now they walk around half-naked in their tight jeans and loose fitting t-shirts. It's a sign of the end. Not that I look at them, of course.
FALWELL : (Giggles) Of course.
ROBERTSON: My son told me a lot of this movie is taken straight from the ride. I'm not seeing it, though.
FALWELL: Ride? There's a ride about this?
LAHAYE: At Disneyland—surely even you must have known.
FALWELL: Disneyland? Do you mean to say that this is a Disney movie?
ROBERTSON: Didn't you see the logo at the start of the movie?
FALWELL: I was making the popcorn. Why didn't you tell me? I can't watch this. I'm supposed to be boycotting Disney movies.
LAHAYE: Roberston and I were talking about that while you were popping the kernels. We thought you lifted the boycott to focus more attention on homosexual awareness of Spongebob.
FALWELL: I did no such thing, and I can watch no more of this.
ROBERTSON: Hey Timmy, ain't that the elf guy from Lord of the Rings?
LAHAYE: Like I'd know. That movie was based on a book by a Catholic.
ROBERTSON: A Catholic? I didn't know that.
LAHAYE: How could you not? All fantasy books are written by either Catholics or witches.
ROBERTSON: He's carrying a sword—this must be why it got the PG-13 rating.
LAHAYE: PG-13? I can only watch G or PG.
ROBERTSON: Wasn't Left Behind: The Movie PG-13?
LAHAYE: I watched the censored version.
ROBERTSON: Well, how about if I just tell you to close your eyes during the bad parts?
LAHAYE: I still have ears.
ROBERTSON: How about you cover your eyes, and I'll cover your ears.
LAHAYE: And what if the world ends while you're doing this? God might mistake that as some kind of homosexual ritual and send us both to hell.
ROBERTSON: Point taken. I'll tell you how the rest of the movie turns out.
LAHAYE: I wish I could have at least seen a few pirates.
ROBERTSON: There's pirates in this movie?
LAHAYE: That's what the title says.
ROBERTSON: I'll have no part in that. Pirates are sinners!
LAHAYE: Arrgh, matey! (Snickers.)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Darling Jehovah
Darling Jehovah
Prince shocked the world last week by announcing he would once more sing Darling Nikki with changed lyrics and title. The new song, Darling Jehovah follows below:
I know a guy named Jehovah
I guess u could say he was a spiritual friend of mine.
I met him in a hotel lobby
Congregating with a group of people
He said how’d u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Jehovah smile
He took me 2 his kingdom
And I just couldn’t believe my eyes
He had so many cool things
But nothing the money could by
He said sign your name on the dotted line
The lights went bright
And Jehovah started to condemn
Jehovah
The kingdom started spinning
Or maybe it was my enlightened brain
I can’t tell u what he did
Except that there were lasers
And he killed those sinners good
Oh, he’ll show u no mercy
Unless you tu’nuff tu’nuff turn from your evil ways
Darlin’ Jehovah
Woke up the next morning
Jehovah wasn’t there
I looked all over and all I found
Was a phone number on the stairs
It said hope u had a real fun time
Call me up whenever u want 2 watch me condemn
Oh, Jehovah, ohhhh
Forgive them Jehovah, Forgive them
They’re dirty little princes
Who only wanna grind.
Prince shocked the world last week by announcing he would once more sing Darling Nikki with changed lyrics and title. The new song, Darling Jehovah follows below:
I know a guy named Jehovah
I guess u could say he was a spiritual friend of mine.
I met him in a hotel lobby
Congregating with a group of people
He said how’d u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Jehovah smile
He took me 2 his kingdom
And I just couldn’t believe my eyes
He had so many cool things
But nothing the money could by
He said sign your name on the dotted line
The lights went bright
And Jehovah started to condemn
Jehovah
The kingdom started spinning
Or maybe it was my enlightened brain
I can’t tell u what he did
Except that there were lasers
And he killed those sinners good
Oh, he’ll show u no mercy
Unless you tu’nuff tu’nuff turn from your evil ways
Darlin’ Jehovah
Woke up the next morning
Jehovah wasn’t there
I looked all over and all I found
Was a phone number on the stairs
It said hope u had a real fun time
Call me up whenever u want 2 watch me condemn
Oh, Jehovah, ohhhh
Forgive them Jehovah, Forgive them
They’re dirty little princes
Who only wanna grind.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Harry Meets Jesus: Harry Potter 10 Years Later
Child witch turned adult film star, Harry Potter, announced today in dramatic style that he has had yet another change of heart and become a born again Christian. His decision came after having a heart to heart with another bad boy turned good, Eminem (who himself became a Christian after his mother shot him in the chest at a Tokyo concert last year, and he reevaluated his life).
As a child, Harry was best known for his witchcraft. Life changed for Harry, however, on his 17th birthday when his witchcraft turned sour and Harry’s face became deformed while trying to make a potion for the ultimate zit cream. Harry went soul searching after the mishap, and ended up in Los Angeles with no money, no friends and no future.
In Los Angeles, unable to find work elsewhere, Harry answered the personal ad of an adult film director in search of a body double. Harry lied about his age and was hired by the director, and made his first appearance as a body double in the film Order of the Gigolo.
It was on the set of the movie that Harry met former United States President Bill Clinton, who himself had become an adult film star to meet unattractive women. Clinton turned Harry onto alcohol, and the two of them would spend long hours talking about how screwed up their lives were.
One night, while both Harry and Clinton were drunk, Clinton asked Harry, “Do you know what it’s like to have a wife for President? The press calls me the First Lady!” Harry, for reasons that he does not even know, said that he did no what it was like and the two got in a fight and never talked again (though Harry did work as Clintons body double for two films).
Not long after Harry’s shattered friendship with Clinton, Harry realized he had a drinking problem and entered a North Hollywood rehab clinic. On Harry’s second day at the clinic, Harry met Eminem in the reflection garden. Eminem was sitting Indian style next to the rose garden rapping to himself about a butterfly. Harry took a seat not far from the rapper and sighed loudly. Eminem, realizing immediately the troubles of Potter, sat next to Harry, put his arm around him, and said, “Friend, Jesus loves you.” Harry laughed and then turned to see that the person who had said this was his favorite rapper as a child. According to Potter’s telling of the story, he immediately said, “You’re the real slim shady!”
To which Eminem shook his head no, “I used to call myself that, but then I realized I was a fake. My wife left me, my mama tried to kill me, drugs wouldn’t help me, and then I found Jesus and I finally found life.” Harry asked Eminem to explain. When he did, Harry knew that he wanted Christ as well.
A new friendship blossomed between Eminem and Harry Potter. Harry cites him for beating the odds and finding his life again, and Eminem is now Harry’s accountability partner, and he is helping Harry make a new roadmap for his life.
Harry has asked Ticketmaster to sell tickets to his public baptism at Sea World early next week, and is also signing a deal to let Fox have the broadcasting rights. Harry says he wants to write the screenplay to his life, get E to do his true life Hollywood story, and then attend a Christian college and become a youth pastor or possibly a lead vocalist for a Christian punk rock group.
As a child, Harry was best known for his witchcraft. Life changed for Harry, however, on his 17th birthday when his witchcraft turned sour and Harry’s face became deformed while trying to make a potion for the ultimate zit cream. Harry went soul searching after the mishap, and ended up in Los Angeles with no money, no friends and no future.
In Los Angeles, unable to find work elsewhere, Harry answered the personal ad of an adult film director in search of a body double. Harry lied about his age and was hired by the director, and made his first appearance as a body double in the film Order of the Gigolo.
It was on the set of the movie that Harry met former United States President Bill Clinton, who himself had become an adult film star to meet unattractive women. Clinton turned Harry onto alcohol, and the two of them would spend long hours talking about how screwed up their lives were.
One night, while both Harry and Clinton were drunk, Clinton asked Harry, “Do you know what it’s like to have a wife for President? The press calls me the First Lady!” Harry, for reasons that he does not even know, said that he did no what it was like and the two got in a fight and never talked again (though Harry did work as Clintons body double for two films).
Not long after Harry’s shattered friendship with Clinton, Harry realized he had a drinking problem and entered a North Hollywood rehab clinic. On Harry’s second day at the clinic, Harry met Eminem in the reflection garden. Eminem was sitting Indian style next to the rose garden rapping to himself about a butterfly. Harry took a seat not far from the rapper and sighed loudly. Eminem, realizing immediately the troubles of Potter, sat next to Harry, put his arm around him, and said, “Friend, Jesus loves you.” Harry laughed and then turned to see that the person who had said this was his favorite rapper as a child. According to Potter’s telling of the story, he immediately said, “You’re the real slim shady!”
To which Eminem shook his head no, “I used to call myself that, but then I realized I was a fake. My wife left me, my mama tried to kill me, drugs wouldn’t help me, and then I found Jesus and I finally found life.” Harry asked Eminem to explain. When he did, Harry knew that he wanted Christ as well.
A new friendship blossomed between Eminem and Harry Potter. Harry cites him for beating the odds and finding his life again, and Eminem is now Harry’s accountability partner, and he is helping Harry make a new roadmap for his life.
Harry has asked Ticketmaster to sell tickets to his public baptism at Sea World early next week, and is also signing a deal to let Fox have the broadcasting rights. Harry says he wants to write the screenplay to his life, get E to do his true life Hollywood story, and then attend a Christian college and become a youth pastor or possibly a lead vocalist for a Christian punk rock group.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Shameless Door Promotion
I have had several religion humor stories in the Door magazine over the years, and I have now recieved word that I can start republishing some of them online. So, beginning next week you will start seeing these stories appear from time to time.
It will of course be free to read here, but I still encourage you to buy or subscribe to the magazine. It really is one of the best parody magazines out there...actually it's one of the only parody magazines out there!
They also have a few true interviews in each issue. One thing I've always loved about them is their small, and many notable people have been pretty revealing in their interviews, because they know not that many people will read what they say.
Check them out at: www.thedoormagazine.com. They are redoing their website and will have a lot more material online soon.
And come back next week to see some refurbished material from the Door.
It will of course be free to read here, but I still encourage you to buy or subscribe to the magazine. It really is one of the best parody magazines out there...actually it's one of the only parody magazines out there!
They also have a few true interviews in each issue. One thing I've always loved about them is their small, and many notable people have been pretty revealing in their interviews, because they know not that many people will read what they say.
Check them out at: www.thedoormagazine.com. They are redoing their website and will have a lot more material online soon.
And come back next week to see some refurbished material from the Door.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Christian Humor News - Heritage USA
I'm always surprised to here how many people have never heard about Heritage USA. Back in the 80's is was the most visited vacation resort in the nation right behind Disneyland and Disney World; over 6,000,000 people visited annually. It was 2,300 acres (just to give you an idea of how massive this is...when Walt Disney bought land for Disneyland he bought just over 150 acres)
So if park is so grand and mighty, then what happened to it? Two words (actually a name): Jim Bakker. In case you have never heard that name, I'll give you his life in a nutshell: televangelist, did shady things, got caught by the IRS, went to jail.
For a great history of this park (along with some wonderful shots of an abandoned park) visit: http://illicitohio.com/SBNO/heritage/heritage01.html
So if park is so grand and mighty, then what happened to it? Two words (actually a name): Jim Bakker. In case you have never heard that name, I'll give you his life in a nutshell: televangelist, did shady things, got caught by the IRS, went to jail.
For a great history of this park (along with some wonderful shots of an abandoned park) visit: http://illicitohio.com/SBNO/heritage/heritage01.html
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Christi-ana-Meter
Holy
Internet Ministry
Da Vinci Code
“Excuse You” When You Sneeze
Back of the Church
College Ministry
Q Source
“Bless You” When You Sneeze
Tar & Feather
Prison Ministry
Gospel of Thomas
“God Bless You” When You Sneeze
Internet Ministry
Da Vinci Code
“Excuse You” When You Sneeze
Back of the Church
College Ministry
Q Source
“Bless You” When You Sneeze
Tar & Feather
Prison Ministry
Gospel of Thomas
“God Bless You” When You Sneeze
Monday, November 05, 2007
The Lost Headlines of the Spin off National Enquirer Publication: The Christian Enquirer
Chariot of Fire used for Elijah Found on the Moon
The chariot of fire which, according to 2 Kings 2:11, took Elijah into heaven has been found on the moon. The chariot was found five feet in the ground, right underneath a World War II bomber. NASA quickly denied any rumors that Elijah was the mysterious man in the moon or that heaven was the moon. Biblical scholars believe that the chariot to heaven and then was flung into the moon. NASA who has been secretly going to the moon for twenty years with the Russians, dug up the chariot early this year, but have kept it quiet until now.
Man Dies After Discovering the Sin Unto Death
A Virginian man died last month after he, as authorities have now discovered, "committed the sin unto death." The sin, which is mentioned but not explained in 1 John 5:16, has been a mystery to scholars for thousands of years. The man, William Crawford of Claremont, was a self-proclaimed Biblical scholar who had told a friend the night before that he intended to find out what the sin that led to death was. Authorities concluded that the man had died of the sin that leads to death, after finding several of the man's fragmented notes. Crawford died before he was able to write down his findings, and it hence remains a mystery what the sin is.
Baby Born With Tattoo of Stephen
A baby was born an India last week with a tattoo on his right butt cheek that illustrates the stoning of Stephen. Doctors were baffled by the tattoos and do not know how it was possible for the tattoo got there. The parents, both Hindu's, did not know what the tattoo was of until a missionary doctor said, 'hey, that sure looks like the stoning of Stephen.' The parents, when asked what they thought of the tattoo, say it's "bad karma."
Satan Sells His Soul to Devil
Satan, who has had a run of bad luck in recent years, has been forced into selling his soul to the Devil to repay unpaid incurred dept acquired on bad business ventures. Satan, in a statement to the associated press, said that "he didn't use it anyway." Sources close to the fallen angel say he had been considering the move ever sense he produced the mega box office bomb Glitter and Gigli. Accountants say the move should help get Satan back on his feet and profitable by years end.
Elvis's Corpse Found in Noah's Ark
Experts say the remains of a man inside a large ark now being called Noah's Ark, are that of Elvis Presley. It is not known how Elvis got to the Ark, but experts believe that Elvis always had a desire to research Biblical archeology, but he knew he could never pursue this dream with so many fans distracting him, so he faked his own death. Noah's Ark is the greatest known discovery of the late legend. Authorities now believe it was also Presley who discovered The Dead Sea Scrolls to which it is believed inspired several of his songs (including Pink Cadillac).
2-Year-Old Preaches First Sermon
Tommy Tucker, a two-year-old, who only recently learned how to speak, preached his first sermon to a crowd of three hundred on Sunday. The boy, who says he is still decided what denomination of Protestantism that he identifies with, preached a sermon on loving the children. While the child is the youngest to preach a sermon in the history of Christianity, he says he still hasn't decided if this is his chosen career path; last week he wanted to be a fireman, this week he wanted to be a dog. The proud parents of the boy say he's wanted to preach since he was a child.
Organization Sends Missionaries to the Mars
After a report that there may be life on the Mars, organizers for several mission agencies have decided that they would have missionaries on Mars by 2015. The missionaries, now being hailed misstronauts, will be selected based on their desire to translate the Bible to aliens and ability their to fly a space shuttle. Once on the red planet, missionaries will have to determine what species should get to here the gospel; many conservative scholars believe the gospel was only intended for human life forms, while many conservative critics have argued that the gospel is for all species—including parasitic life. A separate missions agency, Operation Galaxy Quest, began earlier this year claiming to be the only first extraterrestrial missions agency in existence.
Prostitute to Have Virgin Child
God has immaculately impregnated an Asian hooker known to clients as, "The Sunset Whore." The woman who goes by the name Star says God impregnated her in a gutter while she was recovering from a hangover. She says she will name the child Momo-Tick-Tock, which she says is street talk for, "God be playing games with me." Star's Sugar Daddy claims she has not been with a man in over a month, and that her claims are real; despite the holiness of the child, he is encouraging her to abort the baby or risk losing her job. Friends of the woman were not surprised by the announcement because she's, "a good girl—very spiritual outside the bedroom."
86 Year-Old-Man Excretes Scroll
An 86-year-old Kansas farmer excreted the remains of ancient scroll at his ranch last month. The remains, known as the "smelly scroll," contain what Jews and Christians both consider apocryphal text of the New Testament. The man's claims that all he had for breakfast was ham and eggs. The scroll will be on display at museums early next year.
The chariot of fire which, according to 2 Kings 2:11, took Elijah into heaven has been found on the moon. The chariot was found five feet in the ground, right underneath a World War II bomber. NASA quickly denied any rumors that Elijah was the mysterious man in the moon or that heaven was the moon. Biblical scholars believe that the chariot to heaven and then was flung into the moon. NASA who has been secretly going to the moon for twenty years with the Russians, dug up the chariot early this year, but have kept it quiet until now.
Man Dies After Discovering the Sin Unto Death
A Virginian man died last month after he, as authorities have now discovered, "committed the sin unto death." The sin, which is mentioned but not explained in 1 John 5:16, has been a mystery to scholars for thousands of years. The man, William Crawford of Claremont, was a self-proclaimed Biblical scholar who had told a friend the night before that he intended to find out what the sin that led to death was. Authorities concluded that the man had died of the sin that leads to death, after finding several of the man's fragmented notes. Crawford died before he was able to write down his findings, and it hence remains a mystery what the sin is.
Baby Born With Tattoo of Stephen
A baby was born an India last week with a tattoo on his right butt cheek that illustrates the stoning of Stephen. Doctors were baffled by the tattoos and do not know how it was possible for the tattoo got there. The parents, both Hindu's, did not know what the tattoo was of until a missionary doctor said, 'hey, that sure looks like the stoning of Stephen.' The parents, when asked what they thought of the tattoo, say it's "bad karma."
Satan Sells His Soul to Devil
Satan, who has had a run of bad luck in recent years, has been forced into selling his soul to the Devil to repay unpaid incurred dept acquired on bad business ventures. Satan, in a statement to the associated press, said that "he didn't use it anyway." Sources close to the fallen angel say he had been considering the move ever sense he produced the mega box office bomb Glitter and Gigli. Accountants say the move should help get Satan back on his feet and profitable by years end.
Elvis's Corpse Found in Noah's Ark
Experts say the remains of a man inside a large ark now being called Noah's Ark, are that of Elvis Presley. It is not known how Elvis got to the Ark, but experts believe that Elvis always had a desire to research Biblical archeology, but he knew he could never pursue this dream with so many fans distracting him, so he faked his own death. Noah's Ark is the greatest known discovery of the late legend. Authorities now believe it was also Presley who discovered The Dead Sea Scrolls to which it is believed inspired several of his songs (including Pink Cadillac).
2-Year-Old Preaches First Sermon
Tommy Tucker, a two-year-old, who only recently learned how to speak, preached his first sermon to a crowd of three hundred on Sunday. The boy, who says he is still decided what denomination of Protestantism that he identifies with, preached a sermon on loving the children. While the child is the youngest to preach a sermon in the history of Christianity, he says he still hasn't decided if this is his chosen career path; last week he wanted to be a fireman, this week he wanted to be a dog. The proud parents of the boy say he's wanted to preach since he was a child.
Organization Sends Missionaries to the Mars
After a report that there may be life on the Mars, organizers for several mission agencies have decided that they would have missionaries on Mars by 2015. The missionaries, now being hailed misstronauts, will be selected based on their desire to translate the Bible to aliens and ability their to fly a space shuttle. Once on the red planet, missionaries will have to determine what species should get to here the gospel; many conservative scholars believe the gospel was only intended for human life forms, while many conservative critics have argued that the gospel is for all species—including parasitic life. A separate missions agency, Operation Galaxy Quest, began earlier this year claiming to be the only first extraterrestrial missions agency in existence.
Prostitute to Have Virgin Child
God has immaculately impregnated an Asian hooker known to clients as, "The Sunset Whore." The woman who goes by the name Star says God impregnated her in a gutter while she was recovering from a hangover. She says she will name the child Momo-Tick-Tock, which she says is street talk for, "God be playing games with me." Star's Sugar Daddy claims she has not been with a man in over a month, and that her claims are real; despite the holiness of the child, he is encouraging her to abort the baby or risk losing her job. Friends of the woman were not surprised by the announcement because she's, "a good girl—very spiritual outside the bedroom."
86 Year-Old-Man Excretes Scroll
An 86-year-old Kansas farmer excreted the remains of ancient scroll at his ranch last month. The remains, known as the "smelly scroll," contain what Jews and Christians both consider apocryphal text of the New Testament. The man's claims that all he had for breakfast was ham and eggs. The scroll will be on display at museums early next year.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Christian Humor News
Yesterday, I started what, for the several weeks, will be a regular feature here on the ChristianHumorist; today I will start one more: Christian Humor News. Each week I'll bring you weird stories, weird facts, and just plain weird stuff in Christian news.
I will still update this site with original material, but it's fun not to be original every now and again.
So with that...Weird Al. What's Weird Al doing on a Christian humor blog you may ask? Well, I'll tell you. Weird Al it seems has a new competitor in the world of parody music, and their name is ApologetiX. The band started a few years back, but are apparently becoming the talk of the Christian town. They have several CDs out and make fun of everyone from Linkin Park to Queen. You can even download them on iTunes!
I listened to samples of a few of there songs, and they're not bad; they're not great either. The only thing funny about them is how few of there songs are actually funny. For a parody band they seemed to take themself very seriously. They kind of remind me of that South Park episode where one of the kids starts a Christian band.
The band is currently on tour on the East Coast. For more information check out: http://www.apologetix.com/
I will still update this site with original material, but it's fun not to be original every now and again.
So with that...Weird Al. What's Weird Al doing on a Christian humor blog you may ask? Well, I'll tell you. Weird Al it seems has a new competitor in the world of parody music, and their name is ApologetiX. The band started a few years back, but are apparently becoming the talk of the Christian town. They have several CDs out and make fun of everyone from Linkin Park to Queen. You can even download them on iTunes!
I listened to samples of a few of there songs, and they're not bad; they're not great either. The only thing funny about them is how few of there songs are actually funny. For a parody band they seemed to take themself very seriously. They kind of remind me of that South Park episode where one of the kids starts a Christian band.
The band is currently on tour on the East Coast. For more information check out: http://www.apologetix.com/
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Christi-ana-Meter
Holy
Chronicles of Narnia
Purpose Driven Life
Spoiled Person At Church BBQ
Condemning the Da Vinci Code
Back of the Church
Lord of the Rings
Case for Christ
Spoiled Beef At Church BBQ
Condemning Harry Potter
Tar & Feather
Left Behind: The Movie
Prayer of Jabez
Spoiled Potato Salad At Church BBQ
Condemning Charlotte’s Web
Chronicles of Narnia
Purpose Driven Life
Spoiled Person At Church BBQ
Condemning the Da Vinci Code
Back of the Church
Lord of the Rings
Case for Christ
Spoiled Beef At Church BBQ
Condemning Harry Potter
Tar & Feather
Left Behind: The Movie
Prayer of Jabez
Spoiled Potato Salad At Church BBQ
Condemning Charlotte’s Web
Christi-ana-Meter
I love lists. If you do to, then I hope you enjoy "Christi-ana-Meter." I'll will be posting one of these a week for the next few weeks. In case your confused by what this is, let me make it simple: it's a list of what is hot, what was hot, and what hasn't be hot for quite sometime...enjoy!
Christians Are Slobs…and It May Be Biblical
Not to long ago, Thomas Kimble, a co-worker and self proclaimed Baptist invited me to his home for lunch. I had never been there before, but he was always describing it along with all the improvements he had did or was planning on doing to it, and shared boastful pictures of how great it looked now that he fixed it up.
The home seemed normal from the outside, when I came to lunch that day—much as it had looked in the pictures he had shown me.. It looked well kept. The roof, windows and paint all seemed to be new; the lawn and flowerbed were bright and inviting. Then I went inside.
I was appalled at the mere sight of the inside from the moment that Thomas cheerfully opened the door and welcomed me to his home with a firm handshake. I realized that sometimes people run short on time and don’t have time to clean—that’s all perfectly understandable—but Thomas’s house was…uncalled for.
The carpet, which had to have been installed sometime before Nixon was elected into office, was stained in several places; there was a hole in one of the walls big enough to stick my head into; the dinning room table was covered with dirty dishes, and the couch was missing a cushion. And worse was the smell of mildew that hit you like a gush of wind when you entered the house.
Then Thomas spoke. I expected him to say something along the lines of, “You know how I told you I had no kids? I lied. I actually have fourteen of them—fifteen if you count the ape that frequently visits the place.” But instead he said, completely unashamed of his lifestyle, “Welcome to my humble home.”
I didn’t speak for several seconds, being still stunned by the overt crudeness of the home. I felt embarrassed for him. Had I known that this was the way he lived, I would have offered we eat at a restaurant. Then I remembered that he had offered this, and Thomas insisted that we go to this place to eat—he was proud of it for reason only insanity can explain. Finally I said, “This is…this is quite some home you have, Thomas.”
He smiled widely, “It’s not much, but it gives us shelter.” He looked at the kitchen and smiled, “Well how about some lunch?”
I could hardly imagine where we might eat, but did my best to hide my astonishment. “I’m starved.”
Thomas’s lunch could have passed for something straight out of a gourmet restaurant. He said it had taken him all morning to make, and I believed him. The food on the plate looked like Thomas believed that serving food was a form of artwork. There was chicken glazed in a homemade orange marmalade sauce, a white custard, and assorted fruits; each were proportionally organized on the plate. I was surprised that someone would spend so much time on cooking and so little time keeping the house up. After seeing the house, I half expected to have barbeque rats for lunch.
Thomas led me outside after lunch to his patio, which seemed a haven for bird crap. The entire patio seemed to be a collection of unfinished projects: a half-finished rock pathway that stopped in the middle of dirt, weeds that went past my ankles, a half built firepit, a un-built swing set, a four foot hole in the middle of the yard, and two tree stumps with poles sticking out. It was not a pretty sight, but at least the mildew smell was gone.
As we ate, I heard the front door open and close and Thomas said in a tone that I think was supposed to impress me, “That must be the housecleaner?” “The housecleaner?” I tried not to sound too surprised. I wanted to laugh and mockingly say, “My goodness, Thomas—what on Earth does the woman clean?”
“My wife just doesn’t have time to do it herself. We have a little deal, she can have a housecleaner once a week if I can have a gardener to mow the lawn.”
I watched the housecleaner curiously, trying to understand what her job tasks were. I watched as she dusted, moved the plates from the table to the sink, vacuumed, and wash the windows. I wondered if she knew it would take days to make a single dent in the house.
I wanted badly for Thomas to say something about the disarray of the house. Something to say he at least acknowledged it and felt some remorse that he had let it get this out of hand. Instead he did the complete opposite. He bragged about it. “It’s funny,” Thomas explained, “I used to be a complete neat freak until I became a Baptist.”
“Is that so?” He nodded. “After I became a member, a friend of mine—another Baptist—told me at a little get together we had at our house that him and his wife had been in a Bible study and someone read off a verse that proved Christians didn’t have to clean.”
“Where does it say it?”
“I don’t know, but a few weeks later my pastor quoted it as well. I think he most have been quoting from Jesus.”
“And it’s in the Bible?”
“Honest to God it is—I’m sure it must be a gospel.”
“Really.” I wasn’t a Bible scholar, but I thought my four years studying comparative religion had prepared me for at least some of the insanity that religion tends to throw out. This was complete news to me. I suppose I didn’t really care if it was Biblical or not. If he said it was, then it must be. It sounded like it could be, and he probably knew more about the stuff then me, so I left it at that.
Mom has always been a neat freak. If company was coming over, then not only did the living room and kitchen have to be cleared, but also the bedrooms, the garage, and the attic. There would always be the evil glance if the bed wasn’t made five minutes before the company was slated to arrive. I was always a little disappoint that the company didn’t inspect the bedrooms and garage or even the attic. All the hard work for nothing.
Mom is a Christian, and I always imagined that part of the reason the house was always so neat was because this is what a good Christian wife was supposed to do. Growing up most of my friends were not Christian and I always wrongly assumed had I had a Christian friend their house would be neat, and had I ventured into the attic it would be neat also. I was wrong—dead wrong.
I became ever more curious about the interior design of Christian homes when I left Thomas’s house. I began making a point of making conversation with Christians, and making excuses to visit their homes. “You have a patio room? I’ve been considering putting one in my home for quite sometime—I don’t suppose you’d let me take a peak?” “You had a new kitchen countertop put in? I don’t suppose you’d let me come over and see it’s fine craftsmanship?” “You had your bathroom redone? I just have to see it—how’s Thursday at 3:00 sound?” Some Christians I knew had Bible studies at their house, and I began attending just to get a look inside.
There was Ron Heller, the Methodist, whose home was surprisingly well kept, but at closer look had more dust than a house in the Sahara that had just had a sandstorm come in the front door and leave the back. His wife, Sue, walked around the house with watery eyes and a stuffed up nose complaining about how her “allergies had been so bad lately.” The thought of the collected dust as a reason for this didn’t seem to cross her mind.
There was Linda and Larry Henderson, the Greek Orthodox couple, who decorated every square inch of their walls with file cabinets, bookcases, chairs and plants. I was pretty certain that their walls were painted a pastel color, but this fact could not be verified, as their walls could only be seen in one or two places.
There was Christine Tyler, who went to a non-denominational church twice a week, who seemed confused about colors. Two of the walls in the living room were different colors; the bathroom wall was bright purple, and the bedroom walls had had all the paint scraped off because she was “planning to paint it sometime next year.” Her carpet was no better; it was stained all over and in one place it had actually been lifted up and removed because, “I was thinking of putting in a new carpet, but then changed my mind.”
And of course there was the Baptist, Thomas Kimble. Baptist, I have learned, are the most untidy of them all.
The common theme in most of these homes was the “unfinished project”—the spa in the bathroom that had been put in, but not had the plumbing installed to it; the whole in the ground that was dug out for a pond that had never been put in; the flowerbed with no flowers.
The more homes I visited, the more I started to see trends—not just in Christian homes. It was more specific than that. Different denominations had different degrees of messiness. I got to the point were I could tell what denomination a person was by the mere disarray of their homes. Lutheran’s were pretty neat, but decorated their houses oddly. Episcopalians have lots of clutter; there homes tend to have papers spread out in very odd places (on top of fish tanks, in dog bowls, pretty much everywhere); they also had boxes, shelves, books, magazine, accompanying every spare place on the wall. It seemed the more evangelical a person was, the more messy their house became.
What has kept mom neat even though she remains Christian? I’ve wondered that quite a bit lately, and have come to only one conclusion: no one ever told mom she was allowed to be messy—it is Biblical. She’s one of those rare breeds that never quite fit in. She’s been to messy Christian homes in the past, but I don’t believe she ever put two and two together.
The home seemed normal from the outside, when I came to lunch that day—much as it had looked in the pictures he had shown me.. It looked well kept. The roof, windows and paint all seemed to be new; the lawn and flowerbed were bright and inviting. Then I went inside.
I was appalled at the mere sight of the inside from the moment that Thomas cheerfully opened the door and welcomed me to his home with a firm handshake. I realized that sometimes people run short on time and don’t have time to clean—that’s all perfectly understandable—but Thomas’s house was…uncalled for.
The carpet, which had to have been installed sometime before Nixon was elected into office, was stained in several places; there was a hole in one of the walls big enough to stick my head into; the dinning room table was covered with dirty dishes, and the couch was missing a cushion. And worse was the smell of mildew that hit you like a gush of wind when you entered the house.
Then Thomas spoke. I expected him to say something along the lines of, “You know how I told you I had no kids? I lied. I actually have fourteen of them—fifteen if you count the ape that frequently visits the place.” But instead he said, completely unashamed of his lifestyle, “Welcome to my humble home.”
I didn’t speak for several seconds, being still stunned by the overt crudeness of the home. I felt embarrassed for him. Had I known that this was the way he lived, I would have offered we eat at a restaurant. Then I remembered that he had offered this, and Thomas insisted that we go to this place to eat—he was proud of it for reason only insanity can explain. Finally I said, “This is…this is quite some home you have, Thomas.”
He smiled widely, “It’s not much, but it gives us shelter.” He looked at the kitchen and smiled, “Well how about some lunch?”
I could hardly imagine where we might eat, but did my best to hide my astonishment. “I’m starved.”
Thomas’s lunch could have passed for something straight out of a gourmet restaurant. He said it had taken him all morning to make, and I believed him. The food on the plate looked like Thomas believed that serving food was a form of artwork. There was chicken glazed in a homemade orange marmalade sauce, a white custard, and assorted fruits; each were proportionally organized on the plate. I was surprised that someone would spend so much time on cooking and so little time keeping the house up. After seeing the house, I half expected to have barbeque rats for lunch.
Thomas led me outside after lunch to his patio, which seemed a haven for bird crap. The entire patio seemed to be a collection of unfinished projects: a half-finished rock pathway that stopped in the middle of dirt, weeds that went past my ankles, a half built firepit, a un-built swing set, a four foot hole in the middle of the yard, and two tree stumps with poles sticking out. It was not a pretty sight, but at least the mildew smell was gone.
As we ate, I heard the front door open and close and Thomas said in a tone that I think was supposed to impress me, “That must be the housecleaner?” “The housecleaner?” I tried not to sound too surprised. I wanted to laugh and mockingly say, “My goodness, Thomas—what on Earth does the woman clean?”
“My wife just doesn’t have time to do it herself. We have a little deal, she can have a housecleaner once a week if I can have a gardener to mow the lawn.”
I watched the housecleaner curiously, trying to understand what her job tasks were. I watched as she dusted, moved the plates from the table to the sink, vacuumed, and wash the windows. I wondered if she knew it would take days to make a single dent in the house.
I wanted badly for Thomas to say something about the disarray of the house. Something to say he at least acknowledged it and felt some remorse that he had let it get this out of hand. Instead he did the complete opposite. He bragged about it. “It’s funny,” Thomas explained, “I used to be a complete neat freak until I became a Baptist.”
“Is that so?” He nodded. “After I became a member, a friend of mine—another Baptist—told me at a little get together we had at our house that him and his wife had been in a Bible study and someone read off a verse that proved Christians didn’t have to clean.”
“Where does it say it?”
“I don’t know, but a few weeks later my pastor quoted it as well. I think he most have been quoting from Jesus.”
“And it’s in the Bible?”
“Honest to God it is—I’m sure it must be a gospel.”
“Really.” I wasn’t a Bible scholar, but I thought my four years studying comparative religion had prepared me for at least some of the insanity that religion tends to throw out. This was complete news to me. I suppose I didn’t really care if it was Biblical or not. If he said it was, then it must be. It sounded like it could be, and he probably knew more about the stuff then me, so I left it at that.
Mom has always been a neat freak. If company was coming over, then not only did the living room and kitchen have to be cleared, but also the bedrooms, the garage, and the attic. There would always be the evil glance if the bed wasn’t made five minutes before the company was slated to arrive. I was always a little disappoint that the company didn’t inspect the bedrooms and garage or even the attic. All the hard work for nothing.
Mom is a Christian, and I always imagined that part of the reason the house was always so neat was because this is what a good Christian wife was supposed to do. Growing up most of my friends were not Christian and I always wrongly assumed had I had a Christian friend their house would be neat, and had I ventured into the attic it would be neat also. I was wrong—dead wrong.
I became ever more curious about the interior design of Christian homes when I left Thomas’s house. I began making a point of making conversation with Christians, and making excuses to visit their homes. “You have a patio room? I’ve been considering putting one in my home for quite sometime—I don’t suppose you’d let me take a peak?” “You had a new kitchen countertop put in? I don’t suppose you’d let me come over and see it’s fine craftsmanship?” “You had your bathroom redone? I just have to see it—how’s Thursday at 3:00 sound?” Some Christians I knew had Bible studies at their house, and I began attending just to get a look inside.
There was Ron Heller, the Methodist, whose home was surprisingly well kept, but at closer look had more dust than a house in the Sahara that had just had a sandstorm come in the front door and leave the back. His wife, Sue, walked around the house with watery eyes and a stuffed up nose complaining about how her “allergies had been so bad lately.” The thought of the collected dust as a reason for this didn’t seem to cross her mind.
There was Linda and Larry Henderson, the Greek Orthodox couple, who decorated every square inch of their walls with file cabinets, bookcases, chairs and plants. I was pretty certain that their walls were painted a pastel color, but this fact could not be verified, as their walls could only be seen in one or two places.
There was Christine Tyler, who went to a non-denominational church twice a week, who seemed confused about colors. Two of the walls in the living room were different colors; the bathroom wall was bright purple, and the bedroom walls had had all the paint scraped off because she was “planning to paint it sometime next year.” Her carpet was no better; it was stained all over and in one place it had actually been lifted up and removed because, “I was thinking of putting in a new carpet, but then changed my mind.”
And of course there was the Baptist, Thomas Kimble. Baptist, I have learned, are the most untidy of them all.
The common theme in most of these homes was the “unfinished project”—the spa in the bathroom that had been put in, but not had the plumbing installed to it; the whole in the ground that was dug out for a pond that had never been put in; the flowerbed with no flowers.
The more homes I visited, the more I started to see trends—not just in Christian homes. It was more specific than that. Different denominations had different degrees of messiness. I got to the point were I could tell what denomination a person was by the mere disarray of their homes. Lutheran’s were pretty neat, but decorated their houses oddly. Episcopalians have lots of clutter; there homes tend to have papers spread out in very odd places (on top of fish tanks, in dog bowls, pretty much everywhere); they also had boxes, shelves, books, magazine, accompanying every spare place on the wall. It seemed the more evangelical a person was, the more messy their house became.
What has kept mom neat even though she remains Christian? I’ve wondered that quite a bit lately, and have come to only one conclusion: no one ever told mom she was allowed to be messy—it is Biblical. She’s one of those rare breeds that never quite fit in. She’s been to messy Christian homes in the past, but I don’t believe she ever put two and two together.
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