So thanks to MTV, the death match took place at Claremont University right after the referee, a renowned professor of Islamic history who was actively involved with the Jesus Seminars, concluded his lecture on the historical Jesus entitled “10 Reason Why Jesus Studied Buddhism With Mohammed in Northern India Before He Was Figuratively Tempted in the Desert.”
The professor, whose name was Dr. Augustine Mohammed Dali, was a frail old man who walked with a limp and admitted openly that he was thoroughly confused in all matters of faith. He also admitted that he knew nothing about wrestling, but also admitted that he knew nothing about genuine Christianity, but had made a career refuting its claims. Satan and Felipe agreed that Dali was the perfect person to fairly referee.
The campus was swarming with celebrities and faithless theologians, each quoting their various reasons for watching the fight. A hearse with monster truck tires waited for the loser, who would be driven outside the Southern California boundaries and banished from the perimeter for good.
Satan wore sweat pants because he didn’t want to be mocked for having hairy white legs. Felipe wore his newly trademarked red death match shorts with sparkling edges. Everything was done in epic Hollywood taste.
Several churches had taken a special offering to be used against Satan in Vegas, which favored them both equally.
When the fight bell finally rang, Mary Megan Metford, who had paid over $2,000 for her front row seat, shouted, “God’s with Felipe!”
Matthew McMilian, who agreed to come as a favor to Mary Megan Metford but was considering breaking their romance off, poked her rib and said, “Be quiet—let him concentrate.”
“Should we pray?”
“Just watch already! There will be plenty of time for that kind of stuff later.”