Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Satan's MySpace Page

Originally published in the November/December 2006 (Issue #203) of The Wittenburg Door (

General: I'm a pretty normal guy. I'm into sodomy, torture, fire, and damnation. I'm also a good listener.

Music: I try to keep an open ear for everything – I'm a little bit country, a little bit rock 'n' roll. I think my favorite record in recent years was Third Day's worship album; I closed my eyes, and pretended they were worshiping me – it was truly spectacular. I was really into that Bo Bice fellow from American Idol, but his debut record was crap. What was he thinking? God can have him.

Movies: The Passion of the Christ. I'm kidding! I'm a real sucker for anything with Tom Cruise; I can't wait to tell him in person! I'm going to get him to star in my biopic. I also like Kirk Cameron – he really knows how to destroy an evangelical Christian movie.

Television: Touched By an Angel reruns. What can I say? Once an angel, always an angel. I've also been enjoying the American version of The Office. That Steve Carrell is a hoot, and he really knows how to hit hard on the absurdity of office life. I used to like Arrested Development until it was canceled – someone is going to burn in hell for that, BTW.

Books: The Da Vinci Code; I'm just glad that Dan Brown doesn't have any goods on me. The Five People You Meet In Heaven was a pretty cool idea, but it wasn't much of a page-turner. The New Yorker (mainly for the cartoons).

Heroes: Arrogant Christians. They make my job so much easier. Oh, how I love 'em!
Groups: GSA; Native Pride; Polish Hotties; I Love the 70's; People from New Hampshire; Singles & Looking; Hardcore Christians – Living Hardcore; I Heart My iPod.

Status: Single and on fire.

Here for: Networking, Serious Relationships, Friends.

Orientation: Angels don't have orientations (even dark angels).

Hometown: East of Eden.

Body type: Soul-like.

Religion: I pretty much worship myself.

Smoke/Drink: I like to smoke people, but I try to stay away from cigarettes – it's a nasty addiction. Oh, and I'm a social drinker.

Children: I'm more into mentoring.

Occupation: King of darkness; dark angel of the night.

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