Christian Humor News

This isn't exactly weird news, but it is interesting news (if you like puns you may even say it's Good News). Follow the link below for an oldie, but goodie, about how the Bible business works, and why publishers can't get enough of it.



http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/12/18/061218fa_fact1

The Man Who Spoiled DaVinci: Interview with Dan Brown

Originally published in the September/October 2006 (Issue #207) of The Wittenburg Door (http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/)


DOOR: You made catholics and art critics angry with The DaVinci Code. Your next book will tick off Masons, and, in turn, the power elite. Who's left to pick on?


DAN BROWN: The animals of Protestants.


DOOR: Could you explain?


BROWN: Well, doogs--to be precise. After my next book is published, I'm going to go straight to work on it. It will take place in Mexico City and delve into the brutal world of dog fighting. I believe Christian missionaries started this cultic practice in 102 B.C., and I can prove it if you show me a peso.


DOOR: How could there be Christian missionaries in 102 B.C.? Christ wasn't even alive yet.


BROWN: That's part of the conspiracy. Christ only said He died when He did to cover up what He was doing in the year 102 B.C.


DOOR: Which was?


BROWN: Training missionaries to go out unto the world and make fighters of dogs.


DOOR: And all this is proven on a peso?


BROWN: It is.


DOOR: What about the peso says this?


BROWN: I can tell you're intriqued, but I've already said too much. You'll just have to read the book to find out the rest.


DOOR: And you think dogs will be the ones upset?


BROWN: Their owners, too--but mostly the dogs. This is where Christians send there dogs when they get old. So naturally the dogs will be mad at their owners.


DOOR: But it's only the dogs of Protestants?


BROWN: Yes, of course.


DOOR: So if Christ was the one who started all of this, then why didn't Catholics or Orthodox believers adopt the practice? They were around long before Protestants.


BROWN: No, Protestants were around first. They just kept quiet and worked on training dogs. While all those other groups were trying to decide how to make Jesus more likable and marketable, Protestants were busy working on His true message.


DOOR: Your last book said Jesus married and had kids--not exactly something that other people haven't claimed--but this seems sort of out of the blue. Where did you do the research?


BROWN: Online. You wouldn't believe how much stuff is on the Internet that you can't find in libraries.


DOOR: If you can't find it in libraries, then how did it make it online? Where did they get the information from?


BROWN: It was passed down to them verbally.


DOOR: So for hundreds of years people passed this crucial information down verbally just waiting for the Internet to be invented?


BROWN: Exactly.


DOOR: Why not put it in a book?


BROWN: That's not how Protestants work. They knew it would be better to spread their message online, so they've decided to wait.


DOOR: And the only proof you have of all this is the peso?


BROWN: I have lots of other proof. For instance, a dog has two eyes and two ears, which, if you cut them off, you can make a cross with. Coincidence? I think not. And have you ever seen a dog wag its tail? Christ did the same thing when he waved at people. He trained their tails to do that as a sign.


DOOR: And is this something all Protestants know, or just missionaries?


BROWN: It used to be all of them, but the ultra-secret Council of Dog Fight Trainers decided that it would be best to adopt the same doctrine of other major religions for marketing purposes. no one wants to join a church that believes in dog fighting.


DOOR: Um, didn't you say that Protestants send their dogs there when they're old? they must know something is up.


BROWN: Absolutely not. Pastors tell them to give them their old dogs, then they in turn send them to their main headquarters, and then headquarters sends them to the dog-fighting trainers. But no one except the dog-fighting trainer missionaries know what's really going on. they just send the dogs there because that's what they've been told.


DOOR: I've never had a pastor tell me this.


BROWN: They say it hypnotically--they don't even know they're saying it. And if you ever take your dog in to the vet to put it down, that vet is owned by the church. You just don't know it. Until now.


DOOR: So why do they still have dog fighting? Why hasn't it got phased out over all these years? There are certainly more profitable things for missionaries to do.


BROWN: Dog fighting is one of the most profitable organizations out there. they own all kinds of companies. Microsoft, Intel, Ford Motors, Sony--all owned by the dog fighting organization. Isn't it at all odd taht all those compaines have dog names?


DOOR: Actually none of those sound like dog names.


BROWN: In English no, but in Dog Language they all translate to pet names. Microsoft in dog means Fido, for instance.


DOOR: Don't you get tired of making people mad? Don't you want to write a fluffy book just once to see what it is like?


BROWN: Most people enjoy the books--they're not mad. They're entertained and they've learned something.


DOOR: But they've learned something that's not true.


BROWN: But it is true.


DOOR: Then why is it placed in fiction?


BROWN: Because bookstores are run by Christians, and they won't admit their lies.

Christi-ana-Meter

Holy
Colorado Springs As the Conservative Hot Spot
SpongeBob – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
Born Again Virgin
Sermons On the End Times


Back of the Church
Orange County As the Conservative Hot Spot
TeleTubbies – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
No Sex Before Marriage
Sermons On the End Times

Tar & Feather
London As the Conservative Hot Spot
Barney – America’s Favorite Kiddie Queer to Hate
No Kissing Before Marriage
Sermons On the End Times

Pirate's of the Caribbean Commentary Track, with Jerry Falwell, Tim LaHaye, and Pat Robertson

Originally published in the September/October 2005 (Issue #201) of The Wittenburg Door (http://archives.wittenburgdoor.com/archives/pirates.html)


FALWELL: Cool beans! Fog. That's a creepy way to start a movie.

LAHAYE: It's very end times-ish. Not bad for a secular film.

ROBERTSON: I heard that one of the assistants to the Director of Photography was a Christian.


FALWELL: That sounds like gossip.


LAHAYE: I agree with Jer on that one ... we better stick to facts.


ROBERTSON: (Snickers) Oh, like you stuck with "the facts" in the Left Behind books...

FALWELL: That song she's singing is very enchanting.


ROBERTSON: I think it's too scary for children under 12. Teens could handle it though—if they're with their parents, of course.


FALWELL: Of course.


ROBERTSON: I never let my children listen to songs with words. Except for John Denver.


FALWELL: John Denver was a very good singer. Of course, he's burning in hell.


LAHAYE: Of course.


ROBERTSON: You know I'm not too sure about this film. It almost seems like that girl is thinking positively about pirates.


LAHAYE: Kids are so wicked today. It's a sign that the end is near.


FALWELL: If it wasn't for those queer little Teletubbies, our kids would be a lot better off.


ROBERTSON: Oh brother—here comes another one of Jer's Telly rants.


LAHAYE: Both of you shut your traps and let's watch the movie.


FALWELL: I'm just saying that kids were a lot less wicked when we didn't have those freaky little puppet fags singing to them.


LAHAYE: And I say drop it. Let's watch the movie.


ROBERTSON: Oh my—now that's definitely not good!


LAHAYE: What? What'd I miss? Darn it Falwell, you made me miss something.


ROBERTSON: That girl—the one that acts like a demon—she just stole the demon necklace that guy was wearing that they pulled out of the water.


FALWELL: They pulled someone from the water?


ROBERTSON: For Pete's sake Jer, keep up—you're so impossible to watch a movie with!


LAHAYE: She definitely stole it all right. Stealing is so wrong. A lot of people don't know that it is, but it is.


FALWELL: This movie reminds me of The Shaggy Dog.


ROBERTSON: The Shaggy Dog?!


FALWELL: You know about the girl who goes to Vegas and becomes a stripper?


LAHAYE: Showgirls?


FALWELL: That's the one. I thought it was The Shaggy Dog.


ROBERTSON: You saw Showgirls?


FALWELL: I had to be able to tell my congregation why it was evil to see it.


LAHAYE: Why didn't you just say it was a porno?


FALWELL: I guess I just didn't.


LAHAYE: Oh no, this looks scandalous. That girl's in bed.


ROBERTSON: Relax, she's fully covered.


LAHAYE: Well, I hardly think we should be imagining any girl but our wives in pajamas.


FALWELL: He's got you there, Patty-boy.


ROBERTSON: I'm not even listening to you. I can't believe you saw Showgirls.

LAHAYE: You know, the girl's dad is wearing a really nice wig.


FALWELL: I had a wig like that once. I read a passage in the Bible that I misinterpreted as saying only bald men will go to heaven, so I cut off all my hair. Then I wore that kind of wig when I figured out that hair was okay with God.


LAHAYE: I can't believe they're showing the girl putting on her dress. Scandalous!


FALWELL: It looks innocent to me.


ROBERTSON: Compared to Showgirls I'm sure it is.


LAHAYE: I suppose since they're not showing anything it's okay for married couples to see. It's better than her prancing around in those pajamas.


ROBERTSON: And it is one of those nice Victorian dresses.


FALWELL: I sure wish women still wore those.


LAHAYE: Now they walk around half-naked in their tight jeans and loose fitting t-shirts. It's a sign of the end. Not that I look at them, of course.


FALWELL : (Giggles) Of course.


ROBERTSON: My son told me a lot of this movie is taken straight from the ride. I'm not seeing it, though.


FALWELL: Ride? There's a ride about this?


LAHAYE: At Disneyland—surely even you must have known.


FALWELL: Disneyland? Do you mean to say that this is a Disney movie?


ROBERTSON: Didn't you see the logo at the start of the movie?


FALWELL: I was making the popcorn. Why didn't you tell me? I can't watch this. I'm supposed to be boycotting Disney movies.


LAHAYE: Roberston and I were talking about that while you were popping the kernels. We thought you lifted the boycott to focus more attention on homosexual awareness of Spongebob.


FALWELL: I did no such thing, and I can watch no more of this.


ROBERTSON: Hey Timmy, ain't that the elf guy from Lord of the Rings?


LAHAYE: Like I'd know. That movie was based on a book by a Catholic.

ROBERTSON: A Catholic? I didn't know that.

LAHAYE: How could you not? All fantasy books are written by either Catholics or witches.

ROBERTSON: He's carrying a sword—this must be why it got the PG-13 rating.

LAHAYE: PG-13? I can only watch G or PG.

ROBERTSON: Wasn't Left Behind: The Movie PG-13?

LAHAYE: I watched the censored version.

ROBERTSON: Well, how about if I just tell you to close your eyes during the bad parts?


LAHAYE: I still have ears.

ROBERTSON: How about you cover your eyes, and I'll cover your ears.

LAHAYE: And what if the world ends while you're doing this? God might mistake that as some kind of homosexual ritual and send us both to hell.

ROBERTSON: Point taken. I'll tell you how the rest of the movie turns out.

LAHAYE: I wish I could have at least seen a few pirates.

ROBERTSON: There's pirates in this movie?

LAHAYE: That's what the title says.

ROBERTSON: I'll have no part in that. Pirates are sinners!

LAHAYE: Arrgh, matey! (Snickers.)

Darling Jehovah

Darling Jehovah

Prince shocked the world last week by announcing he would once more sing Darling Nikki with changed lyrics and title. The new song, Darling Jehovah follows below:

I know a guy named Jehovah
I guess u could say he was a spiritual friend of mine.
I met him in a hotel lobby
Congregating with a group of people
He said how’d u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Jehovah smile

He took me 2 his kingdom
And I just couldn’t believe my eyes
He had so many cool things
But nothing the money could by
He said sign your name on the dotted line
The lights went bright
And Jehovah started to condemn

Jehovah

The kingdom started spinning
Or maybe it was my enlightened brain
I can’t tell u what he did
Except that there were lasers
And he killed those sinners good
Oh, he’ll show u no mercy
Unless you tu’nuff tu’nuff turn from your evil ways

Darlin’ Jehovah

Woke up the next morning
Jehovah wasn’t there
I looked all over and all I found
Was a phone number on the stairs
It said hope u had a real fun time
Call me up whenever u want 2 watch me condemn

Oh, Jehovah, ohhhh

Forgive them Jehovah, Forgive them
They’re dirty little princes
Who only wanna grind.

Harry Meets Jesus: Harry Potter 10 Years Later

Child witch turned adult film star, Harry Potter, announced today in dramatic style that he has had yet another change of heart and become a born again Christian. His decision came after having a heart to heart with another bad boy turned good, Eminem (who himself became a Christian after his mother shot him in the chest at a Tokyo concert last year, and he reevaluated his life).

As a child, Harry was best known for his witchcraft. Life changed for Harry, however, on his 17th birthday when his witchcraft turned sour and Harry’s face became deformed while trying to make a potion for the ultimate zit cream. Harry went soul searching after the mishap, and ended up in Los Angeles with no money, no friends and no future.

In Los Angeles, unable to find work elsewhere, Harry answered the personal ad of an adult film director in search of a body double. Harry lied about his age and was hired by the director, and made his first appearance as a body double in the film Order of the Gigolo.

It was on the set of the movie that Harry met former United States President Bill Clinton, who himself had become an adult film star to meet unattractive women. Clinton turned Harry onto alcohol, and the two of them would spend long hours talking about how screwed up their lives were.

One night, while both Harry and Clinton were drunk, Clinton asked Harry, “Do you know what it’s like to have a wife for President? The press calls me the First Lady!” Harry, for reasons that he does not even know, said that he did no what it was like and the two got in a fight and never talked again (though Harry did work as Clintons body double for two films).

Not long after Harry’s shattered friendship with Clinton, Harry realized he had a drinking problem and entered a North Hollywood rehab clinic. On Harry’s second day at the clinic, Harry met Eminem in the reflection garden. Eminem was sitting Indian style next to the rose garden rapping to himself about a butterfly. Harry took a seat not far from the rapper and sighed loudly. Eminem, realizing immediately the troubles of Potter, sat next to Harry, put his arm around him, and said, “Friend, Jesus loves you.” Harry laughed and then turned to see that the person who had said this was his favorite rapper as a child. According to Potter’s telling of the story, he immediately said, “You’re the real slim shady!”

To which Eminem shook his head no, “I used to call myself that, but then I realized I was a fake. My wife left me, my mama tried to kill me, drugs wouldn’t help me, and then I found Jesus and I finally found life.” Harry asked Eminem to explain. When he did, Harry knew that he wanted Christ as well.

A new friendship blossomed between Eminem and Harry Potter. Harry cites him for beating the odds and finding his life again, and Eminem is now Harry’s accountability partner, and he is helping Harry make a new roadmap for his life.

Harry has asked Ticketmaster to sell tickets to his public baptism at Sea World early next week, and is also signing a deal to let Fox have the broadcasting rights. Harry says he wants to write the screenplay to his life, get E to do his true life Hollywood story, and then attend a Christian college and become a youth pastor or possibly a lead vocalist for a Christian punk rock group.

Fun With Catholicism

Martyrdom is typically a real downer, but Saint Lawrence proved to have the last laugh when Pope Sixtus II sentenced him to death by way of roasting; while being burned on the rotisserie Lawrence turned to the executioners, and said, Im cooked on that side, turn me over, and eat.

While it certainly helps to have a clean record if you want to become the moral and spiritual leader of the Roman Church, its not a requirement. Pope Boniface VI was elected pope even though he had twice been defrocked because of immoral activity.

Mass media have brought recent priest sex scandals into the limelight, but its actually been a problem in the church for hundreds of years. These Popes have all allegedly died while engaging in sexual conduct: John VII (murdered by enraged husband of the woman he was in bed with), John XIII (murdered by a jealous husband), Pope Paul II (heart attackwhile sodomizing a page boy).

While most popes have gone with safe choices when choosing their new pontiff name, there is only one set rule: they cannot choose Peter. Hypothetically, a pope can become Pope Jesus Christ, Pope God, or even Pope Innocent II (but not Pope Innocent Ithat name was already used).

Many people know that the reason priest cannot marry has more to do with property, and less to do with purity and devotion to God; what most people do not realize is there is a loophole around this clause. If a man becomes a Lutheran priest, marries, and later converts to Catholicism, he is eligible to become a Catholic priest and keep his wife.

The youngest person to ever lead the Catholic Church was only a teen. Pope John XII was 18 when he became pope.

The term devils advocate has Catholic origins. The term was coined by the church to describe the person appointed to give the opposing viewpoint when deciding if a person should be sainted.

Some popes have all the luck; they get several years of good health to leave a legacy. Othersnot so lucky. Pope Urban VII was elected pope September 15, 1590, and died September 27, 1590. He is most remembered for dying.

10 Easy Steps to Becoming a Best-Selling Christian Author

Step One – Degrees, degrees, and more degrees. No one can be a Christian author without having several degrees. This presents the false image that you are smart, and therefore are perfectly capable of writing a propaganda novel.

Several Christian institutes offer degrees for people who don’t actually attend college, or do any work—take full advantage of these. Stay away from institutes that offer BA’s and MA’s—go right for the PhD programs, then people will think you’re super smart.

Step Two – Start up non-profit organizations. This will give the false image that you are a good person, and therefore are perfectly capable of writing a propaganda novel. There’s really no need to spend anytime running these organizations—it’s the name that’s important, so spend all of your time coming up with a really catchy name. Keep in mind that no one is going to actually research that this is a legitimate non-profit organization, so don’t stress out when you start feeling guilty for not actually doing anything. Christian’s never actually do research, so you’re in the clear on this one.

Step Three – Research. If people are going to take you seriously, then you have to pretend you have spent researching your book. How do you research a topic that you haven’t even thought up yet? Easy, you don’t. You don’t actually research during this step—you just have to make people think you did. Spend time in the library reading comics; this will help you while trying to think up funny antidotes for your yet to be written story.

Step Four – Think up what you’re going to write about. Don’t worry about knowing anything about your topic—you can get this experience after you complete the book. Think up something controversial and catchy. Don’t worry about creating a factual story in this step—you can make truth later. Writing about a group of liberal scientist using stem cell research to create cloned homosexual monkeys, for example, would be a perfect topic—it’s timely, controversial, and catchy.

Step Five – Attend Christian writing conferences. This will give you time to relax, while making your family believe you are working on something important. Talk to agents, editors, and other writers about what you are currently working on. Make sure you emphasize your achievements running non-profit organizations, and your multiple degrees—this will really impress them.

Step Six – Write. You will learn quickly about procrastination, so set goals. Spend no more then two weeks writing your book; this time span will prevent you from being tempted into conducting research and interviews. It’s important to write whatever pops into your mind. This will give the book lots of energy.

Step Seven – Create truth. If you have written about something that doesn’t really exist, then make it exist. For example, if you were writing about liberal scientist using stem cell research to create cloned homosexual monkeys, take the time now to fund such research.

Step Eight – Give yourself creditability. This step is especially important if you have written about something you do not know about. Don’t spend time learning factual information about the topic, there really is no need, and you want to get the book publish ASAP so you can write several more just like it.

Step Nine – Publish your book. If no respectable publisher takes you seriously, then self-publish. Publishers will be begging to sign your next book once they see you racking in the dough.

Step Ten – Travel the lecture circuit. This step is important if you want people to actually buy your book. Remember that when lecturing, the angrier you sound, the more people will take you seriously and buy your book. Also, remember to spend at least ten to twenty minutes boasting about your multiple PhDs and how you single-handedly started several non-profit organizations that the world has greatly benefited from.

Oldest Church Member Found to be Fraud

As Stated Earlier, I'm going to begin posting some of my old Door stuff on this blog; the below parody was the first thing ever excepted with the magazine. My inspiration for it was a Methodist church in Anaheim that I attended as a kid.

(Originally published in the January/Febrary 2004 (Issue #191) of The Wittenburg Door - http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/)

ANAHEIM, CALIF.--Elders of the First Presbyterian Church yesterday announced the sad news that Michael C. Epsons, the church's longest and most loyal member, was not a Christian.

Epson had been with the church for 70 years, and never missed a Sunday, except for the three years he had served as an Army Chaplin overseas in the Second World War.

"We suspected it 14 years ago," church elder Ed Loren said. "Ever since he (Epson) said, 'I do not believe in God' afer he was asked to tell God something he was thankful for at a Thanksgiving dinner. At the time we thought this merely meant he did not bleieve in God, but he believedin Christ. We felt it was a harmless comment and that is was better not to make waves and confront him on the issue."

The discovery came late Tuesday night. Epsons, who is 76, was asked by the youth pastor to be part of a question and answer discussion for the church's youth group. Epson agreed and was asked by one of the students why he believed in Christ. Epson answered, "I don't."

Espon came to the church when he was six after his parents had moved to Anaheim from Los Angeles. He explained that in the 70 years he had been at Presbyterian Church, Christ had "never come up."

"I honestly did not know that I was going to a Christian church, or I would have stopped a long time ago," he added, "The pastor is a nice enough fellow, and gives us good advice for our lives, but I just never knew it was that kind of church."

Epson admits that he does know what to believe when it comes to faith. He believeds there is something, although he lost faith in God after the war.

In a phone interview, the pastor of the church, Rev. Rick Tyson, said he was, "shocked and saddened" by the news. In his sermons, Tyson said, he always, "tries to give Biblical principals to his congregation.

"However, I do not like to use the Bible because I think it takes away from the authority of the sermon."

Asked if he was going to consider changing the way the church presented itself, Rev. Tyson said, "It's always a sad thing when we discover one of our members doesn't know he is a member of a Christian church, but it happens. there's nothing more we can do to prepare for these circumstances."

When asked if he would still attend the church, Epson nodded absently. "I've been going to church for 70 years, and it seems silly to stop on account of a minor technicality," Epson said, "If I were a younger lad, then yess--yes I'd probably leave and find something else to do on my Sundays. But I'm an old man and almost all my friends go here. It wouldn't be right to change churches now."

Southern California churches have reported hundreds of similar incidents in recent years, but all have taken place in the recently embattled Episcopalian denomination.

Shameless Door Promotion

I have had several religion humor stories in the Door magazine over the years, and I have now recieved word that I can start republishing some of them online. So, beginning next week you will start seeing these stories appear from time to time.

It will of course be free to read here, but I still encourage you to buy or subscribe to the magazine. It really is one of the best parody magazines out there...actually it's one of the only parody magazines out there!

They also have a few true interviews in each issue. One thing I've always loved about them is their small, and many notable people have been pretty revealing in their interviews, because they know not that many people will read what they say.

Check them out at: www.thedoormagazine.com. They are redoing their website and will have a lot more material online soon.

And come back next week to see some refurbished material from the Door.

Christian Humor News - Heritage USA

I'm always surprised to here how many people have never heard about Heritage USA. Back in the 80's is was the most visited vacation resort in the nation right behind Disneyland and Disney World; over 6,000,000 people visited annually. It was 2,300 acres (just to give you an idea of how massive this is...when Walt Disney bought land for Disneyland he bought just over 150 acres)

So if park is so grand and mighty, then what happened to it? Two words (actually a name): Jim Bakker. In case you have never heard that name, I'll give you his life in a nutshell: televangelist, did shady things, got caught by the IRS, went to jail.

For a great history of this park (along with some wonderful shots of an abandoned park) visit: http://illicitohio.com/SBNO/heritage/heritage01.html

Christi-ana-Meter

Holy
Internet Ministry
Da Vinci Code
“Excuse You” When You Sneeze

Back of the Church
College Ministry
Q Source
“Bless You” When You Sneeze

Tar & Feather
Prison Ministry
Gospel of Thomas
“God Bless You” When You Sneeze

The Lost Headlines of the Spin off National Enquirer Publication: The Christian Enquirer

Chariot of Fire used for Elijah Found on the Moon
The chariot of fire which, according to 2 Kings 2:11, took Elijah into heaven has been found on the moon. The chariot was found five feet in the ground, right underneath a World War II bomber. NASA quickly denied any rumors that Elijah was the mysterious man in the moon or that heaven was the moon. Biblical scholars believe that the chariot to heaven and then was flung into the moon. NASA who has been secretly going to the moon for twenty years with the Russians, dug up the chariot early this year, but have kept it quiet until now.

Man Dies After Discovering the Sin Unto Death
A Virginian man died last month after he, as authorities have now discovered, "committed the sin unto death." The sin, which is mentioned but not explained in 1 John 5:16, has been a mystery to scholars for thousands of years. The man, William Crawford of Claremont, was a self-proclaimed Biblical scholar who had told a friend the night before that he intended to find out what the sin that led to death was. Authorities concluded that the man had died of the sin that leads to death, after finding several of the man's fragmented notes. Crawford died before he was able to write down his findings, and it hence remains a mystery what the sin is.

Baby Born With Tattoo of Stephen
A baby was born an India last week with a tattoo on his right butt cheek that illustrates the stoning of Stephen. Doctors were baffled by the tattoos and do not know how it was possible for the tattoo got there. The parents, both Hindu's, did not know what the tattoo was of until a missionary doctor said, 'hey, that sure looks like the stoning of Stephen.' The parents, when asked what they thought of the tattoo, say it's "bad karma."

Satan Sells His Soul to Devil
Satan, who has had a run of bad luck in recent years, has been forced into selling his soul to the Devil to repay unpaid incurred dept acquired on bad business ventures. Satan, in a statement to the associated press, said that "he didn't use it anyway." Sources close to the fallen angel say he had been considering the move ever sense he produced the mega box office bomb Glitter and Gigli. Accountants say the move should help get Satan back on his feet and profitable by years end.

Elvis's Corpse Found in Noah's Ark
Experts say the remains of a man inside a large ark now being called Noah's Ark, are that of Elvis Presley. It is not known how Elvis got to the Ark, but experts believe that Elvis always had a desire to research Biblical archeology, but he knew he could never pursue this dream with so many fans distracting him, so he faked his own death. Noah's Ark is the greatest known discovery of the late legend. Authorities now believe it was also Presley who discovered The Dead Sea Scrolls to which it is believed inspired several of his songs (including Pink Cadillac).

2-Year-Old Preaches First Sermon
Tommy Tucker, a two-year-old, who only recently learned how to speak, preached his first sermon to a crowd of three hundred on Sunday. The boy, who says he is still decided what denomination of Protestantism that he identifies with, preached a sermon on loving the children. While the child is the youngest to preach a sermon in the history of Christianity, he says he still hasn't decided if this is his chosen career path; last week he wanted to be a fireman, this week he wanted to be a dog. The proud parents of the boy say he's wanted to preach since he was a child.

Organization Sends Missionaries to the Mars
After a report that there may be life on the Mars, organizers for several mission agencies have decided that they would have missionaries on Mars by 2015. The missionaries, now being hailed misstronauts, will be selected based on their desire to translate the Bible to aliens and ability their to fly a space shuttle. Once on the red planet, missionaries will have to determine what species should get to here the gospel; many conservative scholars believe the gospel was only intended for human life forms, while many conservative critics have argued that the gospel is for all species—including parasitic life. A separate missions agency, Operation Galaxy Quest, began earlier this year claiming to be the only first extraterrestrial missions agency in existence.

Prostitute to Have Virgin Child
God has immaculately impregnated an Asian hooker known to clients as, "The Sunset Whore." The woman who goes by the name Star says God impregnated her in a gutter while she was recovering from a hangover. She says she will name the child Momo-Tick-Tock, which she says is street talk for, "God be playing games with me." Star's Sugar Daddy claims she has not been with a man in over a month, and that her claims are real; despite the holiness of the child, he is encouraging her to abort the baby or risk losing her job. Friends of the woman were not surprised by the announcement because she's, "a good girl—very spiritual outside the bedroom."

86 Year-Old-Man Excretes Scroll
An 86-year-old Kansas farmer excreted the remains of ancient scroll at his ranch last month. The remains, known as the "smelly scroll," contain what Jews and Christians both consider apocryphal text of the New Testament. The man's claims that all he had for breakfast was ham and eggs. The scroll will be on display at museums early next year.

Christian Humor News

Yesterday, I started what, for the several weeks, will be a regular feature here on the ChristianHumorist; today I will start one more: Christian Humor News. Each week I'll bring you weird stories, weird facts, and just plain weird stuff in Christian news.

I will still update this site with original material, but it's fun not to be original every now and again.

So with that...Weird Al. What's Weird Al doing on a Christian humor blog you may ask? Well, I'll tell you. Weird Al it seems has a new competitor in the world of parody music, and their name is ApologetiX. The band started a few years back, but are apparently becoming the talk of the Christian town. They have several CDs out and make fun of everyone from Linkin Park to Queen. You can even download them on iTunes!

I listened to samples of a few of there songs, and they're not bad; they're not great either. The only thing funny about them is how few of there songs are actually funny. For a parody band they seemed to take themself very seriously. They kind of remind me of that South Park episode where one of the kids starts a Christian band.

The band is currently on tour on the East Coast. For more information check out: http://www.apologetix.com/

Christi-ana-Meter

Holy
Chronicles of Narnia
Purpose Driven Life
Spoiled Person At Church BBQ
Condemning the Da Vinci Code

Back of the Church
Lord of the Rings
Case for Christ
Spoiled Beef At Church BBQ
Condemning Harry Potter

Tar & Feather
Left Behind: The Movie
Prayer of Jabez
Spoiled Potato Salad At Church BBQ
Condemning Charlotte’s Web

Christi-ana-Meter

I love lists. If you do to, then I hope you enjoy "Christi-ana-Meter." I'll will be posting one of these a week for the next few weeks. In case your confused by what this is, let me make it simple: it's a list of what is hot, what was hot, and what hasn't be hot for quite sometime...enjoy!